Nerves

Tomorrow. Beta #3. Sooo worried. 95% of me wants to just assume all is well. I mean there has been no spotting, my boobs are becoming increasingly sore, I'm as tired as can be, and the gagging sessions each night entertain Jenn so much. So all seems well.

Then there is that other 5% of me that says "What makes you think that all could possibly be well?" I've become attached to my cramps. I remember having the same feeling early on with Blue. But, when I'm feeling crampy I'm convinced something is wrong. Now this morning, I haven't felt a bit crampy, nothing, nada, so I'm convinced something is wrong. Everything else is the same.

So I sit here. Still. Focusing. Is that a crampy twinge I feel??? Nope, I have to pee. See another sign that all is well...why must I always focus on the one thing that will freak me out??

I'll be out and about most of tomorrow, so I'll update as soon as we get home. If it's good news maybe I'll update it on Twitter (down there on the lower right...where I tend to talk about cows as of late). If it's bad news....you'll just have to wait till I blog it! But, I'm 95% thinking good, just have to keep that 5% of me quiet.

Conversations I never thought I'd have...

I'm not a fan of cows. When I was somewhere between 12 and 14 I was out walking our dog and walked past a field of cows (in Northern Michigan, there are no fields of cows around Detroit). One of the cows started following us. In my overimaginative head I decided this cow was mad at me for eating its cousin. I therefore became a "vegetarian". I mean that in the loosest way possible. I honestly think it lasted two days. But my fear of cows has lasted much, much longer.

Now I live in Amish Country. I pass at a minimum 47 fields of cows every day on my way home from work. I have learned a lot about these cows. As the following conversation will show you.

Me: 82% of cows in this field are laying down.
Jenn: That other 18% must be from New Jersey.
Me: Oh, only 10% of this field of cows are laying down.
Jenn: Those New Jersey cows must be on special this year.
Me: 0% of the baby cows in this field are laying down, in fact they are frolicking.
Jenn: Well, they are veal, let them frolic as they will, their life is short.

I have been trying to prove the theory that cows lay down before it rains wrong. I must say that most often, cows laying down are right. That first field of cows was just really ahead of the game as it didn't start raining until eight hours after I saw them!

ps-5weeks0days

Fruit of my womb

he he he Get it?? Yep, I'm such a dork :)

So...Blueberry was a fruit name, and we shall continue on the tradition.

Yes, many people have been told that this baby's nickname is Kumquat, I apologize for the lie, we changed our minds. Jenn always giggles when she hears the word Kumquat, me too to be honest. I didn't want to lose that giggle ever, and if we say Kumquat over and over again I worry that it would start to become a normal word, and I wouldn't hear that giggle when Jenn heard Kumquat. So...we have passed up Kumquat.

After much deliberation last night, the baby shall be named.........

Honeydew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2nd Beta

191.

Oh My Goodness.

Repeat again on Thursday.

I can't breathe and my hands are shaking too much to type.

Sooooo freaking happy right now!!

And the hope starts creeping in...

So after a phone call with Jenn yesterday afternoon in which I freaked and screamed and cried...I was sent to the grocery store to pick up more sticks. Jenn's theory--If they are darker...we can totally celebrate a little, if they are lighter, than we can prepare ourselves for the worst.

I peed.

I looked down.

The second little line popped up.

Holy crap. It's darker. And we're not talking just one shade darker than Tuesday mornings stick, we are talking double the darkness.

This morning, peed again. Again, twice as dark as the previous stick.

I'm feeling a little more confident. And maybe, a bit excited??

Post # 100.

Technically I am pregnant. I'm not too optimistic though. Here's the story:

• Friday PM-Faint positive on a dollar store test
• Saturday AM-Negative dollar store test
• Saturday Afternoon-Faint positive on a dollar store test
• Saturday Evening-Negative on a First Response Test
• Sunday Morning-Faint positive on the First Response Test
• Sunday Afternoon-Slightly darker positive on the First Response Test
• Sunday Early Evening-Slightly darker positive on the First Response Test
• Sunday Night-Slightly fainter positive on the First Response Test
• Monday Morning-Slightly fainter positive on the First Response Test
• Monday Evening-Slightly fainter positive on the First Response Test
• Tuesday Morning-Slightly fainter positive on the First Response Test
• Tuesday Morning Beta-58--Progesterone over 20
  

I am worried that this is a chemical pregnancy. For those unaware of what that is, it means the egg fertilized, but did not implant into my uterus.

I am trying to be cautiously optimistic. Anyone have any stories to share with similar happenings??

I'm assuming it's over.

No line this morning on a pregnancy test, and a huge temp drop. I'm considering us down for the count. I'm only saying this now, because this is post #99 and I don't want my 100th post to be about a big fat negative.

We cried for a bit this morning and then went to work. See what happens when you let yourself get your hopes up?

And because I always have to find the silver lining...by my calculations our next IUI will be on Jenn's birthday. The IUI we got pregnant with Blue was on my birthday...so maybe this is a reallllly good omen :)

Further Proof that I am odd.

In case my Air-Freshener ponytail holder wasn't proof enough for you.

I like to make up songs. Sometimes my songs are just real songs with the words changed to fit my mood, sometimes is just songs to real songs music.

The other day I was singing to Minne. It was very very cold in our house and she had buried her head under the couch blanket. And...she was in a super barky mood.

So I sang (to what I believe to be "la cucaracha"):

My name is Minne, I like to barka.
Like to barka to the beat.
My name is Minne, I wear a parka.
'Cause my mommies don't use the heat.
(cha cha cha)

Please go give hugs

My dear friends B and K have lost their precious Snuffy. Please go over and give them hugs while they cry.

I love you two!!!

File under "Odd things I get paid to do"

My boss's birthday (Rodney) is in November, the same week as the Eagles/Cowboys game. He is a HUGE Cowboys fan. His good friend Kenny is a HUGE Eagles fan (we're talking football here in case anyone is lost). For Rodney's birthday Kenny came to the hotel and changed the big marquee out front to read

"Happy Birthday Rodney
GO EAGLES".

Rodney loved it!

So...Kenny's birthday is next week, and Rodney needs to "pay him back". Into the picture comes crafty Heidi.

What was once a bunch of "Ron Paul for President" signs now say:



The small print at the bottom reads: "Paid for by Jerry Jones and Terrell Owens"

These will be placed all over the business that Kenny owns front lawn Monday night, the eve of the primaries here in Pennsylvania!!

Ahhh, I love my job.

9dpo/dpiui

I'm starting to lose hope. It happened sometime last night. I went into a fit of "Why do pregnancy symptoms have to be the same as PMS symptoms?"

• I'm bloated...is it because I'm pregnant, or because my period is around the corner?
• My boobs hurt...cause I'm pregnant, or because my period is around the corner?
• I have a runny nose...pregnant, or allergies?
• I'm crampy...Egg burrowing deep into lining, or lining ready to say bye-bye?
• I have odd gagging spells...ate too much, impending all day sickness?
• Crazy dreams...pregnancy symptom, too much spicy food?

I really could go on and on with this list.

I'm just not feeling the pregnancy vibe though. The even odder thing is that at the moment, that doesn't upset me. I know there is next month, and months after that. Just a few more days...then I'll test.

ps--love you too K.

Is no update a good update?

Important things first...I totally forgot that the fertility center only calls you about your progesterone levels if they are too low. Sigh. (Don't worry, I'll harass them tomorrow for the actual number). So I don't have a real update, just a complaint, and a story to tell about getting my hopes higher.

So, we get there and Amy the blood chick took us back and drew my blood. Then she dropped me off in the exam room and gave the normal strip from the waist down and hop on the table instructions.

Then it happened. I usually see the nurse, Michelle. I love Michelle, she may have no personality, but she is totally kind and caring. Dr. F, I'm not a fan of him. And guess who should walk in the door to do my exam. Ick. I hate to be all gross and talk about things like this, but he isn't kind while rooting around inside you. Ick. He's awful. He gets "inside" and then proceeds to have a conversation with Jenn. HELLO!!! You have your fingers in my nether regions!! Can we finish this first?!?

So he finally finishes up and declares all is well in the underworld. And tells us to meet him out at the counter. We get out there and he hands me my clomid script for next month... and tells me not to fill it. I laughed and said "Heck no, I'll fill it to have it so that I will be pregnant and not need it." His response..."But that would be a waste of money!"

So...is he just concerned that I might run out of money to pay him? Or does he know something that I don't know? Can doctors tell if you are pregnant early? Was there a sign on my cervix that said "Closed, baby growing inside"???

The cycle I was pregnant with Blue at the ovary check, Michelle gave me my clomid script and then told me what would happen if we were pg that cycle. She had never gone over that information before...did she know?


Just what I needed....something more to obsess over in my last 6 days of the tww. Well, 7 days if I wait for the blood test. HA!

7dpo.

One week down, one to go.

I'm doing awful things to myself, like getting my hopes up. The last two days have been full of odd crampies and twingies, crazy dreams, an odd gagging spell, and this morning a temp drop. On 7dpo, a temp drop. Could it be an implantation dip? Or is tomorrow going to bring me another low temp telling me its all over wayyy to soon?

I don't like getting my hopes up. It stinks. Jenn caught me while I was gagging my brains out. It was very much like I used to do before we found out we were pregnant with Blue, I simply walked into the kitchen, and gagged.

How soon can I test? How soon will the trigger shot be out of my system?? (I have spent a lot of time googling these answers, they are rhetorical.)

How in the heck am I going to make it till next Tuesday? And what a busy day Tuesday will be. We've got the pregnancy blood draw, it's election day here in PA, it's beauty day (haircut for Jenn, manicure for me), softball practice, and I'm missing something else.....

I think if my temps still look good come Sunday, I might let the dipstick fairy have some dipping fun. Maybe.

It is odd, but even with all the "good" signs, and feeling like I could really be pregnant again, I'm not optimistic. I have my hopes up, but at the same time feel as though they will crash and burn. And while I will cry if we aren't pregnant this time, there is always next cycle.

Tomorrow is my ovary check and progesterone test. I'll update when I get those results.

And people think I'm odd.

Yes, I like expensive purses. But Jenn, she has "more expensive" tastes than I do. (you'll get the joke in this sentence in a second.

Jenn's birthday wishlist includes two things, both of which I have determined OVERKILL.

A First Aid Kit No, this isn't just any first aid kit. This is THE first aid kit. No, I don't believe it to be a first aid kit at all, I believe it to be a survival kit, like in case the whole world disappears. (please make sure you click on the kit contents link, and note the 12 pieces of candy, that is all I need to survive.)

A Year Supply of Food. Mmmmmm MRE's. Now I've had these several times. I don't think theyu are the worst thing in the world, better than rats and bats (Survivor fans??) The thing that makes me unhappy about this years supply of food is the fact that it only comes with 165 things of the yummy cheese spread (I am not being sarcastic, I lurve the cheese spread). What are we going to do the other 200 days of the year???

This is by and far Jenn's favorite website. When their catalog comes in the mail you should see the look of sheer joy on her face as she runs in the house to settle into her Laz-Y-Girl for an afternoon of educational reading, studying, and prioritizing what she needs.

Sigh, isn't she cute??

Lots of nothing.

In case you were not aware, the two week wait sucks. (Sorry mom, I know you hate that word, but I only didn't use worse because you are reading.) Jenn asked me last night how long till we can test, I said I wanted to wait until at least 10dpiui (days past iui) to make sure the hcg shot is out of my system She asked what day are we? 2. She didn't believe me, how can we only be on day 2????

Today I should be 30 weeks pregnant. In 10 weeks I should be holding my little boy. Oh, did I tell you that we found out that Blue is a boy? Someday I'll have to tell you the story of how we found out, no one ever came out and told us, even though we had asked 101 times. I don't have the desire to get really angry right now, and telling that story will make me REALLY angry.

Tonight I am going to start walking again. Jenn assistant coaches Annabelle's softball team, so she'll be getting exercise dodging fly balls! So, to keep it so that she doesn't continue to lose 6 more pounds than me each doctors visit, I'll walk during practice.

I noticed over there on the right the labels for my posts. Number one is pregnancy. Number three is TTC. I'm hoping that we are pregnant this cycle so that TTC doesn't take over the number one spot. Silly? Yes. (Blueberry can take the #1 spot, that doesn't bother me)

I'm getting close to post #100. Anyone have any ideas on what that post should be about? I would like to hope it could be my pregnancy announcement, but I'm sure I'll post more than 6 more times before I can pee on a stick.

I had a dream last night that Jenn bought me my current dream purse. She better not have, I keep the checkbook, I know we can't afford it right now. That would be why I call it my dream purse. I had a coupon a few weeks ago for 20% off, but still couldn't make myself use it. I love my purses, and I get lots of comments about how cute they are, but I can't see spending almost two months supply of swimmers on a purse right now!! Maybe I can get it as a pushing present??

If you read my twitter updates at all you know that it is manure spreading season here in Amish Country. The other day the smell was so bad that I was gagging as we drove down the road. Then, in my ever-so-creative way, I found a solution:



Why, yes, that would be an air freshener being used as a ponytail holder! I'm such a dork!!! But, it stopped the gaggin!!

Well this was a fun post all about nada. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! It's supposed to reach 70 here, and I could run outside naked with joy! (that would be scary.)

Swim team has been released!!

I'm sore. I don't know why I am always so crampy after the IUI, but my goodness I can barely stand up straight at work. Thankfully there isn't much to do today so I am happily strapped in my chair.

Now begins the two weeks of waiting. I keep swearing that there will be no peeing upon the sticks. But...we know me. We know how much I love to pee on sticks. I keep swearing that I won't do it until at least the morning of the blood test, if at all. HA, I doubt this will happen.

The plan if I do last is to not even dip the stick myself. I will leave some pee in a cup, and then magically following behind me the dipstick fairy (aka Jenn) will dip the stick and tell me if it's positive. If it's negative, she won't have to say anything.

Two weeks. How in the world am I gonna make these next two weeks go by without tearing my hair out? The thing is, I don't even think we'll be positive this month. So I don't know why I'm all worried about it. No, I'm not being negative, I just know myself and know nothing ever works for me on the first try lol.

(On a side note, I was all worried about getting weighed today, and ended up that I lost 4 pounds, go me!! Jenn, who always does everything better than me lol, lost 10. Hooker.)

Yes, I have an addiction.

If it hasn't become clear over the last few days, I LOVE PEEING ON STICKS!!!

The shot last night was a "trigger" shot. It's hCG, you know, the pregnancy hormone. So in the wonderful world of the unfair, I now have pregnancy hormones raging through my body, even though I'm still 24 hours away from ovulation. And yes, I woke up nauseous.


Is it really bad that I peed on a pregnancy test this morning, just to see the two lines?? Yes, it was positive. Oh how I wish that was true!!!

Jenn shot me.

That is all.

(Oh, and it hurt this time.)

How do I(we) afford all this??

Cindy and Janice posted a question in my comments the other day:

"How can you guys afford all of this stuff."

We are very, very lucky. I fully admit it.

Jenn works for a large bank that offers domestic partner insurance. A few years ago my boss (I work in a single family owned hotel, not my family) figured out that it would be cheaper to pay the amount that it would cost for me to be on Jenn's insurance, than it would be for him to provide me with insurance. Then in October of 2006 we got a letter saying that the bank was going to start providing infertility coverage. I cannot even begin to tell you how overjoyed that made us. It was like a sign. (Well, to me the bigger sign was in November when Lane Bryant started to sell maternity clothes, that means that Heidi should get pregnant. She needs more excuses to buy clothes.)

So:
I pay $25.00 copay when I see Michelle or the Doctor. (Ovary Checks, Ultrasounds, IUI's)

I pay for the swim team (they were on mega sale this month, normally I pay $360.00 this month they were only $265.)

I buy some ovulation predictor sticks from ebay, and saveontests.com Some I have as freebie gifts from girls on various boards I belong to. We share. We're all nice like that! I totally do not recommend the Ovuquick brand. They are the ones that keep giving me false positives. (they are also $50.00 for only 9 tests, on ebay you can get 50 tests for $20.00!!)

I don't trust the cheapie pregnancy tests though. There is almost always an evaporation line that gets you all excited for nothing. I bought my pregnancy tests at Costco, and if I think I see a line I pee on a digital test.

I pay $35.00 for each prescription related to fertility so Clomid and Ovudril, for a total of $70.00 per month.

I know how lucky we are. We still pay a lot, but not nearly as much as some people have to pay. There have been discussions of Jenn switching banks and going to another large bank that offers domestic partner benefits...plus infertility coverage AND IVF. But I'm not sure I would ever actually do IVF, so I don't know. Plus she really likes her job most of the time.

Any other questions? I honestly am an open book!!

Stupid freaking pee sticks.

I quit them. QUIT. I took three brands to work with me today...for backup.

First one I pee on--Positive as positive can be. PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The other two couldn't be more negative.

I vote negative, but keep panicking silently.


(why does panic not have a k but panicking does?)

Update

Michelle called with bloodwork results. Based on my bloodwork it is virtually impossible that I would get a positive tomorrow or Saturday, so trigger Saturday night and IUI Monday morning.

(but keep peeing on sticks just in case!)

I have an ovary that looks like a chocolate chip cookie.

Mmmmm cookies.

Okay, stealing someone else idea here--Cliff notes version: 2-5 follicles, trigger Saturday, IUI Monday...unless something changes.

My lining is 9.5, which I've been told is excellent.

My right ovary is the home to one cute little follicle. I believe she said size is 15.

Then she headed over to my left ovary. Chocolate-chip cookie. Lots and lots of little follicles growing over there. Only 4 worth measuring though. And of those 4, only two that Michelle thinks will be ready to go.

Now for some background info. My last two cycles were screwy. Apparently my body doesn't ovulate right. I'll pee on an opk and it will come back positive, yet all my blood work will say no got, and my follicles are huge. So the cycle we got pg with Blue I got a positive opk and yet my bloodwork said no go. An ultrasound showed that my four follicles were 19 and up. So we triggered that night, and 36 hours later did iui.

So Michelle sits us down to go over "the plan". Plan is that we will trigger Saturday night, do IUI Monday morning (7:45am). But...keep peeing on sticks and if we get a positive call the center. Hey, I'll take any excuse to pee on a stick!! It is my favorite past time after all. They also took some blood to do do my bloodwork to see where it has us at today. So more waiting. It's 2 o'clock now. They said they would call after 2 o'clock.

I'll update later!

Oh...and congrats to B & K and Plump!! Soooo excited for you all!!!

The pee sticks should not be left where I can find them.

I like to panic. It's something I am very good at, so I do it often to remind myself that I am good at something. I am also one of those lucky women who feels her eggies growing, and feels enormous pains when I do ovulate.

I've felt the twingies for several days now that tell me the eggies are growing. This morning, I haven't felt any yet. Uh-oh. Time to panic. Yes, I have an ultrasound tomorrow (now at 10:30am in case you are keeping track). I could just relax and go about my day of nothing (I have a migraine hangover so I'm being lazy with a purpose). But no, I decide that I'll go pee on an ovulation predictor stick and let it weigh in on the panic. I figure, if it's negative, then all is well, if it is positive I can call the RE's office and set operation panic into full swing.

Moron. Yes, it's negative. Blatantly so. Which means that I have now convinced myself that I ovulated so of course it is negative. Much whining has ensued. Much much whining as a matter of fact.

I began to stomp around the house crying. I cleaned the kitchen, I cleaned the dining room (anyone else's dining room table start to look like an archaeologist dig after 48 hours of being clean?). I sit down in the living room to cry some more when...

There's the twingies!! They must have been taking a nap. I think I will too, all that panicking for nothing wore me out.

(And...Congrats to The Anguished Corn and to my friend Lyz who both got wonderful news yesterday!!!!!)