I can't make them stop. They are soooo negative. I try so very hard to think positive, I really do. But when those damn voices keep saying "You've missed your chance, you will never be pregnant again." I start to lose faith in myself.
I've never had much faith in myself to begin with I suppose. I've always been last on my list of important people. I must take care of everyone else first. Everyone else needs to be smiling before I can worry about forcing myself to. That and not being able to ask for help are my two biggest character flaws.
But see, I don't see them as flaws. I hate to be a burden, so if asking for help means that someone else is going to be burdened, then I would rather just keep quiet.
Last night we went to dinner with Lyz, Chris, Avery and a friend of Lyz's and her daughter (Hi Brina!) After dinner Jenn asked if she could hold Brina's daughter. Now mind you, I don't mind that at all! I am not going to make Jenn not hold babies just because I can't handle seeing her hold them! I just kept my head down (something else I am very good at) or looked away.
After dinner Jenn and I went to Borders because I had a coupon from my birthday (Yes Lyz, lots of birthday coupons, I am a coupon whore okay?). Stupid Heidi. Sat down in the middle of an aisle and started reading a bunch of miscarriage books. I've never picked one up before. I bought two (Jenn bought a book called "What's Your Poo Telling You?" and some ghost hunting books.)
(boy this short story is getting very long)
I shouldn't have gotten the books. They are all about thinking positive. I try. You wouldn't believe how hard I try. But those voices just scream over me, drowned me out. And reading the books just made me feel even more the failure. These women "got over" their miscarraiges and went on with their happy positive thoughts, what the hell is wrong with me? I will keep trying, I'm not going to let the voices win, but let me tell you, my plaster facade...it's cracking.
(P.S. Lyz-I missed you very much this past weekend. And even though you were soooo far away, you still knew when I needed you. You felt me, and called. Thank you. Thank you for every thing, and I love you so much too.)
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6 comments:
I'm sorry. We all have the voices, and when tragedy and unfairness strikes our lives - it's so hard to keep them at bay. You are not alone.
Time. . ..
I can relate b/c I've gone through the early miscarriage like you. But I can't imagine what state I'd be in if I were to have gone through 17 wks. I stay positive knowing that my body is working and I CAN get pregnant and so can you. I think I would feel worse if miscarriages were rare (I wish they were), but I know there are so many out there suffering silently. I'm glad that you have such much support in these bleak times.
"get over" what's that? I don't think we'll ever get over it..and I don't think we'd be very good people if we did. We learn to live with it..just like we would if say we lost a finger..you adapt..you rearrange..but you don't get over that loss. We love you both, and are always here if you need us.
Don't let those stupid books doubt what you are feeling. Your feelings are so normal and so valid. FWIW, I think you are doing amazing.
Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. They are your feelings and no one else knows how it feels to be you feeling what you are feeling. Be patient with yourself.
You have nothing to feel at all guilty about. You and Jenn are so amazingly strong and I admire that so much about you. But what I want for all of us is to be able to exhale and to let ourselves off the hook for being imperfect and real and messy. We have to get through each day and we have to do the best we can. We don't always have to have a "positive attitude" about it.
Just my two cents. I'm sending you big love.
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