An Update

So went last Thursday for repeat blood work to make sure that my numbers went down to 0. Of course they didn't. 8.9. Which isn't bad, but come on already. So I go back again this Thursday for another repeat. I have already threatened that vein, they better be down to 0.

Michelle and I also talked about testing. I'll be getting a packet any day in the mail now that will be filled with lap slips and instructions for their use. Some are fasting, some are not. Some must be done first thing in the morning, some should be done later in the day. Some require me to drop my pants, again. I don't care what I have to do, as long as there is an answer at the end waiting for me.

I have been joking with friends that I am going to pick up a crack pipe, put on my sluttiest outfit and start walking the streets. That guarantee's pregnancy within a week right?

Happy 33rd Birthday BabyGirl!!

To my dearest Teapot,

I realized the other day that you are a cradle robber, it was even funnier to me that you thought that was so great. We met when you were 20 and I was only 17. Tisk Tisk.

You are the one true thing that can make me happy anytime. Even when I'm in bed bawling my eyes out, just seeing you look at me can make me smile because I understand just how lucky I am that you are laying there next to me, holding me, and letting me blow my snot on your pillowcase.

You are my life force. You keep me going even when I am at my worst most miserable moments, and when I beg you to shoot me, you always say no.

Your smile is infectious. Your laugh makes me laugh more than anything else. Your eyes are truly the window to your world, and I could gaze into them all day long.

Thank you. Thank you for being my everything for the last 13 years. Thank you for killing all the spiders and saving my life, even thought you are afraid of them too. Thank you for being there for me through all of the hard times we have faced over the last year, and for helping me get through the rough times to come. I promise to always be there for you too.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

I love you!!

Love,
Teacup

P.S. Where is my elevator?

My Hero the Assistant Coach!!

Tonight was Jenn's first softball game of the season! (she actually missed the real first game 'cause it was last Thursday...which was a bad day for us)

First they prepped the field:


Elissa and Belle


Jenn


Then they pumped up the team!!





Jenn coached at first base



And Jenn's #1 Fan joined us!




They didn't win, but they had a wonderful time and the team was awesome at cheering each other on. It is so amazing to watch the changes from last year to this year. They are a wonderful bunch of girls and Jenn loves every moment that she spends with them!

Labels

I can deal with a lot of the labels that have been assigned to me. Lesbian, fat, frumpy, whatever. My labels at work are never ending. Rodney once joked that I don't wear a name tag because even my large chest couldn't support all my titles (then freaked that he had offended me). Dude, one of my favorite labels is Big Chested!!!

But today, after my blood draw, as I walked with my chart in hand to the front desk to check out, I saw the one label that has ever hurt me.

Habitual Aborter.

Feeling a little messed with.

The cycle we got pregnant with Blue was going to be our last cycle of Clomid. After all the struggling we had been through, we weren't really sure that we wanted to try injectables at all. And during the two week wait when I came the the conclusion that we were not pregnant, I also came to grips with the fact that a life with just Jenn and I was totally a life worth living. Before that I had felt like I just wouldn't be whole without a child (or 12).

Then we got pregnant and those thoughts just flew out the window. This was it!! We were going to have a baby!!! As I entered into the second trimester we were thrilled...safe sailing for us!

Then the walls crashed in.

I still felt as though just Jenn and I was totally okay...but now we got pregnant, we got into the second trimester!! We can do this!

Imagine my happy bliss at being pregnant on the first try this time?!? It was totally meant to be. The universe was telling us something here. "Don't give up Jenn and Heidi...your dreams are going to be fulfilled!!"

Even as I doubted the pee sticks, even as I doubted the first beta results...I took that more than doubling 2nd beta as a wonderful sign!!

Then the walls crashed in again.

And here we are in limbo. We don't know what to do, or how to feel?? If they find something wrong with me, then we will take that as the sign to move forward, try again. If they cannot, then what? Does that mean that we were being messed with through all of those other signs??

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST READ ME THE DAMN SPOILERS???

Angry

I guess that is the number one way to describe how we are feeling right now.

We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?

I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.

I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."

I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?

I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.

There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.

Not good news.

Last night I started spotting brown. Everyone says not to worry when it is brown spotting. It's normal. Once, around 11 I had a bit of red spotting. Not even a lot.

At my blood draw Michelle said again...brown spotting is perfectly normal, happens in 50% of pregnancies.

Went to Jenn's doctor's appointment, Dr. Stabler, who doubles as my ob. Perfectly normal.

But...the beta came back at only 102. It's over. Apparently brown spotting isn't always perfectly normal.

If I don't start really bleeding by Tuesday, call.

Or, when I'm done bleeding, call.

Lots of tests will be run to see if they can figure out what is wrong with me, why can't I keep the babies alive.

Thank you for cheering me on, and for all the good wishes and thoughts the last two weeks. Thank you.

We love you Honeydew!!