did you notice?
See, I've posted funny things this week because I knew what this weekend was going to bring. I am trying to stay positive and be happy, but it isn't working as well as I had hoped.
Today is the last day that I will be able to say "A year ago I was pregnant with Blue." Really, I can't even say that. Yesterday was the last day that I was really pregnant with Blue. Today, a year ago, the doctors told us that his heart had stopped beating. And ours did too.
I hold a lot of anger towards the whole thing. I wish they had explained things better. I wish they had let me make a more informed choice. What would I have done different? I'm not 100% sure. Jenn and I would have had a longer conversation about how Blue would have come into the world. I am 100% sure I would have had him cremated. I could have him here with us.
Saved in my files on my work computer is an 18 page letter that I have written to the hospital. 18 pages of how they should handle things in the future. 18 pages of anger, tears, and lessons on how to better communicate. Not only did we lose our son that day, we lost our chance to keep him forever. I had no idea what I was signing up for in "choosing" the D&E. We will never know what his precious face looks like. We will never be able to say we held his hand. Kissed our sons toes. I feel very cheated, not only by his death, but the way it all was handled. I don't ever want to see Dr. A again.
The fact that five days later Jenn had surgery in the same hospital and was treated with more care and sympathy than I was also royally pisses me off. I wasn't even sent home with painkillers. No one warned me about the contractions. No one warned me that my breasts would leak milk. Milk that our son would ever be able to taste. Milk that had no chance of sustaining Blue.
There isn't a hour that goes by that I don't relive the entire thing, more the sounds, the voices. Hearing my doctor not say the words. Hearing myself scream. Scream so loud it still echos through my head. Calling my parents and hearing my dad's pain. Hearing Elissa not believe me. Hearing Lyz talk with a voice that told me she knew before I got to tell her. Hearing Jenn cry next to me in bed, holding my belly and sobbing.
It really is the sounds that haunt me. The nightmares have gone away for the most part. But I don't believe the haunting sounds will ever leave.
Tomorrow we will have a cake. Actually we will have two. One to celebrate Blue's first birthday. One to celebrate our 6th anniversary. Six years ago as I walked down the aisle to meet Jenn, the mother of our future children, I had no idea that five years later we would be mourning the death of our child.
We hurt so much. The letter will probably never be sent. I've never even let Jenn read the contents. I think I've written it more for me. I think that at some point I will print it out and burn it.
Maybe I'll save those ashes. At least we will always have Blue in our hearts.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberence Day
We remember. We remember Blue, Honeydew, Lyz and Chris's Angels, Snuffy, Turtle, My Aunt Bridget's three losses, Sara and Renee's Angel, Isn't Pretty to Think So's Angels, Travelher and Pufferfish's Angel, Gabriel, All of the August Angel's 2006 (a group Lyz belongs to) Angels and sooooo many more.
We remember. We cherish the happy memories, we dream of the ones that could have been.
We remember, and will never forget.
We remember. We cherish the happy memories, we dream of the ones that could have been.
We remember, and will never forget.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.
Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.
On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.
Thank you to Antigone for starting this movement.
Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.
On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.
Thank you to Antigone for starting this movement.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A Walk to Remember
Today Share of Lancaster put on a walk to remember all of the babies we have lost. We arrived and put on our tee-shirts (on the back was all the babies names).
We ran into a friend of Lyz's who had also lost a baby at 17 weeks. The difference between her story and ours is amazing. I so wish that Blue's death would have been better handled by the hospital. I think this is what I am having the hardest problem letting go of, the fact that I totally feel that the hospital stole a part of our son from us. Now is not the time to get into it, some other post, some other day.
We then made candles to light during a candle lighting ceremony and then it was time for them to unveil a plague. It was rainy so they were trying to get things done quickly. Two years ago at the walk they had dedicated a bench, they call it the Beloved Babies Bench. This year they offered to put your baby's name on a plaque next to it for a donation.
The Beloved Babies Bench:
The Plaque:
Close up of Blue's Name:
Then we walked around the park. It was called a Walk to Remember!!
After the walk we took the chance to get more pictures with the bench.
Jenn and I behind the plaque:
Chris, Lyz and Avery on the bench:
After the walk there was a whole program planned, but none of us really wanted to be there anymore, so we left and went to an early supper (as Chris had to get to work). As we sat down to eat, not even 10 mins later, it started to downpour. I feel so bad that the program may have gotten ruined.
In the program we were able to write messages to our babies.
Ours:
Our dearest Blue-we miss you so much. Not a single moment goes by without our hearts and arms aching to hold you. Know your mommies love you more and more with every passing day.
Love, your Mommies.
Lyz, Chris and Avery's: (I'm leaving their last name blank)
L____ Angles-Forever loved, forever missed. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Avery.
One more thing from the back of the program that I feel the need to share, because it was so beautiful to me.
We ran into a friend of Lyz's who had also lost a baby at 17 weeks. The difference between her story and ours is amazing. I so wish that Blue's death would have been better handled by the hospital. I think this is what I am having the hardest problem letting go of, the fact that I totally feel that the hospital stole a part of our son from us. Now is not the time to get into it, some other post, some other day.
We then made candles to light during a candle lighting ceremony and then it was time for them to unveil a plague. It was rainy so they were trying to get things done quickly. Two years ago at the walk they had dedicated a bench, they call it the Beloved Babies Bench. This year they offered to put your baby's name on a plaque next to it for a donation.
The Beloved Babies Bench:
The Plaque:
Close up of Blue's Name:
Then we walked around the park. It was called a Walk to Remember!!
After the walk we took the chance to get more pictures with the bench.
Jenn and I behind the plaque:
Chris, Lyz and Avery on the bench:
After the walk there was a whole program planned, but none of us really wanted to be there anymore, so we left and went to an early supper (as Chris had to get to work). As we sat down to eat, not even 10 mins later, it started to downpour. I feel so bad that the program may have gotten ruined.
In the program we were able to write messages to our babies.
Ours:
Our dearest Blue-we miss you so much. Not a single moment goes by without our hearts and arms aching to hold you. Know your mommies love you more and more with every passing day.
Love, your Mommies.
Lyz, Chris and Avery's: (I'm leaving their last name blank)
L____ Angles-Forever loved, forever missed. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Avery.
One more thing from the back of the program that I feel the need to share, because it was so beautiful to me.
I worte your name in the clouds;
The wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand;
The ocean washed it away.
God wrote your name in the heavens;
And he took you away.
You wrote your name in my heart;
And that is where you'll stay.
~Author Unknown
The wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand;
The ocean washed it away.
God wrote your name in the heavens;
And he took you away.
You wrote your name in my heart;
And that is where you'll stay.
~Author Unknown
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I don't think I'm depressed.
I've spent quite a bit of time thinking I am, but not wanting to do anything about it because I am tired of taking drugs. But during a phone conversation about Thanksgiving I came to the realization that I am not depressed. I am royally pissed off.
I am pissed off at all the loss. Ours, Lyz's, B & K's, Sara's, Isn't it Pretty to Think So's, Travelher and Pufferfish, Beth's, my Aunt Bridget's and sooooo many others. If I didn't name you, it isn't because I have forgotten your pain, it's because my fingers are tired of typing. I'm getting angrier with each person's face that pop's into my mind which is making my fingers stiff and hard to move. It is horrible how much loss we have all had to endure.
Then there are the other people who have been denied even the loss. Not only in the blogs I read, but people close to my heart who I shouldn't name because that would be unfair to them to broadcast their infertility without their permission. Those that are trying again month after month with nothing to show but their broken heart.
I am enraged. I am enraged at the unfairness of it all. I am enraged that someone I know and love gave birth to two beautiful and wonderful children and treats them horribly. Treats herself like crap with drugs and alcohol and does not even care one ounce about the wonderful lives she has brought into this world. Okay, maybe she does care a little, but somehow I fail to see it.
I don't cry very often about it all anymore. I shake, my face turns red, and I start biting my lips. I peel the skin off of my lips way too often. But I don't know how to stop being angry.
The other night while watching the Emmy's I texted a friend complaining that every-freaking-one is pregnant and I am tired of looking at them all. Without even thinking that the friend I texted is pregnant. While I know that this friend shares my feelings, I came to the realization that I don't think about my anger before I spew it out to others. How selfish of me.
I need to get over the anger so that I can move on in the grieving process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never reach acceptance, but anger is not the proper place to be resting.
I am pissed off at all the loss. Ours, Lyz's, B & K's, Sara's, Isn't it Pretty to Think So's, Travelher and Pufferfish, Beth's, my Aunt Bridget's and sooooo many others. If I didn't name you, it isn't because I have forgotten your pain, it's because my fingers are tired of typing. I'm getting angrier with each person's face that pop's into my mind which is making my fingers stiff and hard to move. It is horrible how much loss we have all had to endure.
Then there are the other people who have been denied even the loss. Not only in the blogs I read, but people close to my heart who I shouldn't name because that would be unfair to them to broadcast their infertility without their permission. Those that are trying again month after month with nothing to show but their broken heart.
I am enraged. I am enraged at the unfairness of it all. I am enraged that someone I know and love gave birth to two beautiful and wonderful children and treats them horribly. Treats herself like crap with drugs and alcohol and does not even care one ounce about the wonderful lives she has brought into this world. Okay, maybe she does care a little, but somehow I fail to see it.
I don't cry very often about it all anymore. I shake, my face turns red, and I start biting my lips. I peel the skin off of my lips way too often. But I don't know how to stop being angry.
The other night while watching the Emmy's I texted a friend complaining that every-freaking-one is pregnant and I am tired of looking at them all. Without even thinking that the friend I texted is pregnant. While I know that this friend shares my feelings, I came to the realization that I don't think about my anger before I spew it out to others. How selfish of me.
I need to get over the anger so that I can move on in the grieving process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never reach acceptance, but anger is not the proper place to be resting.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Send out your good thoughts and prayers please.
Our world has been rocked by another loss.
She isn't a blogger but please keep Beth in your thoughts today.
She isn't a blogger but please keep Beth in your thoughts today.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
An Update
So went last Thursday for repeat blood work to make sure that my numbers went down to 0. Of course they didn't. 8.9. Which isn't bad, but come on already. So I go back again this Thursday for another repeat. I have already threatened that vein, they better be down to 0.
Michelle and I also talked about testing. I'll be getting a packet any day in the mail now that will be filled with lap slips and instructions for their use. Some are fasting, some are not. Some must be done first thing in the morning, some should be done later in the day. Some require me to drop my pants, again. I don't care what I have to do, as long as there is an answer at the end waiting for me.
I have been joking with friends that I am going to pick up a crack pipe, put on my sluttiest outfit and start walking the streets. That guarantee's pregnancy within a week right?
Michelle and I also talked about testing. I'll be getting a packet any day in the mail now that will be filled with lap slips and instructions for their use. Some are fasting, some are not. Some must be done first thing in the morning, some should be done later in the day. Some require me to drop my pants, again. I don't care what I have to do, as long as there is an answer at the end waiting for me.
I have been joking with friends that I am going to pick up a crack pipe, put on my sluttiest outfit and start walking the streets. That guarantee's pregnancy within a week right?
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Labels
I can deal with a lot of the labels that have been assigned to me. Lesbian, fat, frumpy, whatever. My labels at work are never ending. Rodney once joked that I don't wear a name tag because even my large chest couldn't support all my titles (then freaked that he had offended me). Dude, one of my favorite labels is Big Chested!!!
But today, after my blood draw, as I walked with my chart in hand to the front desk to check out, I saw the one label that has ever hurt me.
Habitual Aborter.
But today, after my blood draw, as I walked with my chart in hand to the front desk to check out, I saw the one label that has ever hurt me.
Habitual Aborter.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Feeling a little messed with.
The cycle we got pregnant with Blue was going to be our last cycle of Clomid. After all the struggling we had been through, we weren't really sure that we wanted to try injectables at all. And during the two week wait when I came the the conclusion that we were not pregnant, I also came to grips with the fact that a life with just Jenn and I was totally a life worth living. Before that I had felt like I just wouldn't be whole without a child (or 12).
Then we got pregnant and those thoughts just flew out the window. This was it!! We were going to have a baby!!! As I entered into the second trimester we were thrilled...safe sailing for us!
Then the walls crashed in.
I still felt as though just Jenn and I was totally okay...but now we got pregnant, we got into the second trimester!! We can do this!
Imagine my happy bliss at being pregnant on the first try this time?!? It was totally meant to be. The universe was telling us something here. "Don't give up Jenn and Heidi...your dreams are going to be fulfilled!!"
Even as I doubted the pee sticks, even as I doubted the first beta results...I took that more than doubling 2nd beta as a wonderful sign!!
Then the walls crashed in again.
And here we are in limbo. We don't know what to do, or how to feel?? If they find something wrong with me, then we will take that as the sign to move forward, try again. If they cannot, then what? Does that mean that we were being messed with through all of those other signs??
WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST READ ME THE DAMN SPOILERS???
Then we got pregnant and those thoughts just flew out the window. This was it!! We were going to have a baby!!! As I entered into the second trimester we were thrilled...safe sailing for us!
Then the walls crashed in.
I still felt as though just Jenn and I was totally okay...but now we got pregnant, we got into the second trimester!! We can do this!
Imagine my happy bliss at being pregnant on the first try this time?!? It was totally meant to be. The universe was telling us something here. "Don't give up Jenn and Heidi...your dreams are going to be fulfilled!!"
Even as I doubted the pee sticks, even as I doubted the first beta results...I took that more than doubling 2nd beta as a wonderful sign!!
Then the walls crashed in again.
And here we are in limbo. We don't know what to do, or how to feel?? If they find something wrong with me, then we will take that as the sign to move forward, try again. If they cannot, then what? Does that mean that we were being messed with through all of those other signs??
WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST READ ME THE DAMN SPOILERS???
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Angry
I guess that is the number one way to describe how we are feeling right now.
We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?
I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.
I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."
I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?
I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.
There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.
We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?
I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.
I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."
I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?
I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.
There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Not good news.
Last night I started spotting brown. Everyone says not to worry when it is brown spotting. It's normal. Once, around 11 I had a bit of red spotting. Not even a lot.
At my blood draw Michelle said again...brown spotting is perfectly normal, happens in 50% of pregnancies.
Went to Jenn's doctor's appointment, Dr. Stabler, who doubles as my ob. Perfectly normal.
But...the beta came back at only 102. It's over. Apparently brown spotting isn't always perfectly normal.
If I don't start really bleeding by Tuesday, call.
Or, when I'm done bleeding, call.
Lots of tests will be run to see if they can figure out what is wrong with me, why can't I keep the babies alive.
Thank you for cheering me on, and for all the good wishes and thoughts the last two weeks. Thank you.
We love you Honeydew!!
At my blood draw Michelle said again...brown spotting is perfectly normal, happens in 50% of pregnancies.
Went to Jenn's doctor's appointment, Dr. Stabler, who doubles as my ob. Perfectly normal.
But...the beta came back at only 102. It's over. Apparently brown spotting isn't always perfectly normal.
If I don't start really bleeding by Tuesday, call.
Or, when I'm done bleeding, call.
Lots of tests will be run to see if they can figure out what is wrong with me, why can't I keep the babies alive.
Thank you for cheering me on, and for all the good wishes and thoughts the last two weeks. Thank you.
We love you Honeydew!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Please go give hugs
Saturday, March 29, 2008
What might have been.
This week really started the what might have beens for me. When we first found out that we were pregnant with Blue I counted in my head how far along I would be at the end of March. I figured 27 weeks is great, I'll have a noticeable belly and all the lil ole ladies at the quilt show will love it! They always ask me "When are you and Jenn gonna have kids??" Sigh.
Last year during the quilt show I helped one of the vendors get an emergency flight home because her husband was dying and she wanted to see him before he passed. She found me on Tuesday and thanked me for my help. I told her that I would have done anything for her in that situation. She didn't make it home in time. He passed away two hours before her flight landed. I told her I was sorry and was a little teary for her. She asked me "Heidi, when are you gonna have babies." Since I was already a little teary for her, the tears just fell right out for me too. I was honest. I told her that I had a beautiful son who was born too soon in January. She held my hand. Then she went and spread the word. I shouldn't have told her. I don't think a single vendor has not come up to hug me, to give their love to Jenn and I, or threaten us not to quit. They all expect happy stories next year.
Me too.
Last year during the quilt show I helped one of the vendors get an emergency flight home because her husband was dying and she wanted to see him before he passed. She found me on Tuesday and thanked me for my help. I told her that I would have done anything for her in that situation. She didn't make it home in time. He passed away two hours before her flight landed. I told her I was sorry and was a little teary for her. She asked me "Heidi, when are you gonna have babies." Since I was already a little teary for her, the tears just fell right out for me too. I was honest. I told her that I had a beautiful son who was born too soon in January. She held my hand. Then she went and spread the word. I shouldn't have told her. I don't think a single vendor has not come up to hug me, to give their love to Jenn and I, or threaten us not to quit. They all expect happy stories next year.
Me too.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Went to a support group last night...
Monday morning I got a cryptic text "Tomorrow is the first Tuesday of the month"
I answered back "I'm not sure what to do with that information"
This resulted in texting all day Monday and most of Tuesday about if Jenn, Lyz and I wanted to go to a Share support group meeting. Monday afternoon it was determined that we would all assume we are going, until someone said no I'm not, and we could all change our mind up to 6:29pm Tuesday (the meeting started at 6:30.)
I never thought I would be the kind of person who went to a support group. I am way too shy to share my story and cry in front of strangers. But peer pressure won, as usual, and I went.
At first I was excited, there was only the three of us, the group leader and three other girls. I got less and less excited as the room filled and there ended up being 14 or 15 people.
I was to shy to share our story, Jenn had to share it for us. In fact I spent the first 20 minutes or so with my hands over my mouth shaking uncontrollably. I had my friend, the water bottle, sitting in front of me and all I could think was "Everyone in this room can see the water in this bottle splashing about because I am shaking so bad." Even though I know that everyone was in their own personal hell and could care less about my water bottle.
Lyz was the first in our threesome to talk (not including introductions). I honestly don't even remember what she said, isn't that awful? I think she was sharing her fear of the pregnant belly. There was a girl who is approaching her due date and Lyz wanted her to know that for Lyz at least, after the due date things get a little easier.
Jenn spoke up after everyone was talking about how the husbands don't seem to care, or are over it. Jenn wanted everyone to know that it is probably not the case. They have to go to work and instead of everyone saying "how are you?" they say "how's the wife?" They have to take a back seat if they like it or not. Men (and Jenn) see it as their role to be the supporter, and that they can't break down or show their hurt because the woman is hurting too much, and they might make that worse. Almost every single woman there came up to Jenn and thanked her for being there and sharing that with them. It made me beam with pride.
I did talk, and again I don't remember what about. I know the first time I opened my mouth both Jenn and Lyz did too in that gaping "Oh my goodness she's speaking" kinda way.
The meetings "end" at 8pm, so that it gives people an escape, but they do encourage you to keep talking to each other if you feel you need support or have support to give. I was filling out a newsletter sign-up sheet and this one girl, couldn't have been 21, was bawling in the corner. I got up and put my arm around her. I asked her if she needed a hug. She nodded and I just held her and let her go for awhile. I felt so bad for her. I whispered in her ear that she was too young to know such pain. I gave her my phone number and let her know that she could call me if ever she needed to talk, or even just a shoulder to silently cry on. I don't think she said a word during the entire meeting, and she just looked so alone. To me, this interaction was more helpful than any other part of the meeting.
At 3am I had a long conversation with myself about how gambling can never really be illegal. Life is nothing but gambling, we don't know the outcome we just jump in and hope and pray for the outcome we desire, the one with the big payoff. It was mentioned that over 100 children are born still at our local hospital every year. I don't think that's the nicest statistic to share with a room full of women who have suffered miscarriages and still births. It kinda freaks me out. So last night at 3am I thought about if the gamble is worth it...either we will lose it all, or we will get the biggest payoff in the world. I am truly hoping for the latter.
I answered back "I'm not sure what to do with that information"
This resulted in texting all day Monday and most of Tuesday about if Jenn, Lyz and I wanted to go to a Share support group meeting. Monday afternoon it was determined that we would all assume we are going, until someone said no I'm not, and we could all change our mind up to 6:29pm Tuesday (the meeting started at 6:30.)
I never thought I would be the kind of person who went to a support group. I am way too shy to share my story and cry in front of strangers. But peer pressure won, as usual, and I went.
At first I was excited, there was only the three of us, the group leader and three other girls. I got less and less excited as the room filled and there ended up being 14 or 15 people.
I was to shy to share our story, Jenn had to share it for us. In fact I spent the first 20 minutes or so with my hands over my mouth shaking uncontrollably. I had my friend, the water bottle, sitting in front of me and all I could think was "Everyone in this room can see the water in this bottle splashing about because I am shaking so bad." Even though I know that everyone was in their own personal hell and could care less about my water bottle.
Lyz was the first in our threesome to talk (not including introductions). I honestly don't even remember what she said, isn't that awful? I think she was sharing her fear of the pregnant belly. There was a girl who is approaching her due date and Lyz wanted her to know that for Lyz at least, after the due date things get a little easier.
Jenn spoke up after everyone was talking about how the husbands don't seem to care, or are over it. Jenn wanted everyone to know that it is probably not the case. They have to go to work and instead of everyone saying "how are you?" they say "how's the wife?" They have to take a back seat if they like it or not. Men (and Jenn) see it as their role to be the supporter, and that they can't break down or show their hurt because the woman is hurting too much, and they might make that worse. Almost every single woman there came up to Jenn and thanked her for being there and sharing that with them. It made me beam with pride.
I did talk, and again I don't remember what about. I know the first time I opened my mouth both Jenn and Lyz did too in that gaping "Oh my goodness she's speaking" kinda way.
The meetings "end" at 8pm, so that it gives people an escape, but they do encourage you to keep talking to each other if you feel you need support or have support to give. I was filling out a newsletter sign-up sheet and this one girl, couldn't have been 21, was bawling in the corner. I got up and put my arm around her. I asked her if she needed a hug. She nodded and I just held her and let her go for awhile. I felt so bad for her. I whispered in her ear that she was too young to know such pain. I gave her my phone number and let her know that she could call me if ever she needed to talk, or even just a shoulder to silently cry on. I don't think she said a word during the entire meeting, and she just looked so alone. To me, this interaction was more helpful than any other part of the meeting.
At 3am I had a long conversation with myself about how gambling can never really be illegal. Life is nothing but gambling, we don't know the outcome we just jump in and hope and pray for the outcome we desire, the one with the big payoff. It was mentioned that over 100 children are born still at our local hospital every year. I don't think that's the nicest statistic to share with a room full of women who have suffered miscarriages and still births. It kinda freaks me out. So last night at 3am I thought about if the gamble is worth it...either we will lose it all, or we will get the biggest payoff in the world. I am truly hoping for the latter.
Friday, February 29, 2008
A letter to my body.
Over at BlogHer they are "launching a brand new Letters to My Body initiative" and I have decided to participate. If I would have written this letter a few years ago it would have been all about my disappointment in my body's ability to lose weight, not anymore.
Dear Body,
Me
Friday, February 8, 2008
I only used two kleenex's!!!! (but this will still be a long rambling entry)
We had our three doctors appointments yesterday. Emotionally I did quite well. I only cried in the elevator on the way to the first appointment and then when they took us back to our room, they took us to *the room* and I cried then. I did spend quite a bit of time teary, but not in my full out bawl mode.
Things we learned yesterday both good and bad:
At our regular Dr's office for our surgery follow-ups (we both saw Dr. Martin, Dr. Stabler is out of town)
Both Dr's asked if we had Blueberry tested for genetic problems. This really ticks me off. Before the surgery everyone told us there was no reason to get him checked, they didn't think anything looked wrong. Now I'm totally worried that I do have some sort of genetic problem and this may happen again. Both Dr's told me not to worry too much over it...sure, please give me one more reason to blame myself for this.
After she was done with the hoo-haa check, I sat back up and covered myself all properly with the sheet, then giggled. I explained that I'm all worried about being modest when everyone in the room (Michelle always seems to have a student following her around) just saw my most private parts. I laughed that I even make sure my underwear is properly folded and hidden in my pants. Why are we so worried about such silly things when our Dr's are about to be in hoo-haaville anyway?
I also laughed about how much I am looking forward to Clomid again. If you need me come the end of April, I'll be the one in the corner sweating my butt off and screaming at people for no reason!!
Things we learned yesterday both good and bad:
At our regular Dr's office for our surgery follow-ups (we both saw Dr. Martin, Dr. Stabler is out of town)
- I have lost 25 pounds. (the lay in bed all day and eat Oreo's diet worked wonders!)
- Jenn has lost 17 pounds. (yep, same diet for her)
- Jenn has some questionable cells in her cervix and uterus. Since her pap just 6 weeks ago came back perfectly normal Dr. Martin isn't concerned, she thinks it is a mistake due to the fact that the material they tested was collected during the surgery so she is having the lab retest the cells and will get back to us with a better answer. We know our luck, so I'm nervous.
- Dr. Martin recommends sitting out two cycles before trying again, but she actually gave me a good reason of why. My uterus was compromised. This wasn't a simple miscarriage at 7 weeks, this was a later loss. Which means my uterus had grown significantly and needs time to heal itself before we try to stretch it out again. This made sense to me. I thought they only wanted us to wait for emotional healing.
- My belly feels fine.
- Jenn's belly feels fine.
- No hoo-haa check was needed. I shaved my legs for no reason.
- My still crying and feeling down is perfectly normal. I do not need to worry that I have crossed the line from mourning to depression. I may even feel this way for a few months. She asked if we had made our appointment with the RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to discuss our next steps-yep, we meet with them in 30 minutes! Dr. Martin said that is how she was able to start healing from her miscarriage, get the ball rolling for the next pregnancy.
- Dr. Martin says that the majority of her charts have one miscarriage on them, and that most of her patients go on to have healthy pregnancies and beautiful babies.
- They are very sorry.
- They made me tell them the whole story, every gory detail which I got through okay, I did cry, but not as intensely as I have been.
- She is very proud of our weight loss, please lose 10 more pounds by the end of April. (Oreo's and bed, here we come! Just kidding, maybe)
- She would like us to wait two cycles before trying again, and when asked why gave the same answer as Dr. Martin. I like it when Dr's agree with each other.
- We will use the same protocol as the cycle we made Blueberry. 100mg of Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, hCG shot, IUI.
- If I don't have my period by February 27, call them and they will put me on Provera which will make me have a period. (we have gone to Florida 6 times, all 6 I got my period the day we come home, I'm hoping that stays historically true this time too, I like to take as few drugs as possible)
- Once I get my period I will be put on birth control pills to ensure that the cycle will only be 28 days not two-three months like my unmedicated cycles seem to be. I did ask if taking the pill will throw me off, I've always read that you should stop taking the pill 3-4 cycles before trying to get pregnant. She said that one month is not long enough to build up the pills hormones in your body, it is very common for people going through ART (assisted reproductive technology) to have a cycle or two on the pill between cycles of ART.
- So, that brings us to the end of April when we will start trying again.
- She sees no reason why we wouldn't get pregnant lickety split. Jenn says we will get pregnant first shot, I'm not that positive, but I don't think it will take us as long as the first time.
- Keep taking the prenatal vitamins (never stopped, I've been on them two years now lol)
- My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is actually 0.56 (I thought it was 0.53)-Michelle likes this number and will keep me on the same dosage (again, glad my Dr's both agree)
- My hCG count was actually 2, not 0, but anything lower than five is considered negative.
- All of our STD tests expire in March. So, before we can try again we have to have all of those tests redone. I told Jenn if we fail any, she is in big trouble. We think we'll head the the blood lab next Friday as we head out of town for Florida...get the last bits of nasty out before we head to paradise!!
- Michelle wants to look at my cervix. Dang, glad I shaved my legs after all.
Both Dr's asked if we had Blueberry tested for genetic problems. This really ticks me off. Before the surgery everyone told us there was no reason to get him checked, they didn't think anything looked wrong. Now I'm totally worried that I do have some sort of genetic problem and this may happen again. Both Dr's told me not to worry too much over it...sure, please give me one more reason to blame myself for this.
After she was done with the hoo-haa check, I sat back up and covered myself all properly with the sheet, then giggled. I explained that I'm all worried about being modest when everyone in the room (Michelle always seems to have a student following her around) just saw my most private parts. I laughed that I even make sure my underwear is properly folded and hidden in my pants. Why are we so worried about such silly things when our Dr's are about to be in hoo-haaville anyway?
I also laughed about how much I am looking forward to Clomid again. If you need me come the end of April, I'll be the one in the corner sweating my butt off and screaming at people for no reason!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
And to think I thought I was getting better. How dare I.
Yesterday I did pretty darn well. I even called the leasing office and got the rent lowered $40 (not much, but every little bit helps).
Jenn came home from work, I cooked dinner all was going well.
Then we laughed. Things can't go well for almost 24 hours can they? Jenn was doing some laundry and noticed the floor was wet. We spend time staring at the washer thinking it was leaking. Again, we couldn't be that lucky. If the washer had been leaking we could have just not used it anymore last night and called maintenance in the morning.
Nope, it was the water heater. Upon further investigation we found a loverly pipe leaking water all over the place. Instant call to emergency maintenance at 8:28pm. Carlos the supervisor and our former neighbor whom we love happened to be on call and said he would be right over.
I locked me, Minne and Igan into the bedroom so that they wouldn't get in his way and Jenn stayed downstairs chatting with him and "helping". (otherwise known as Heidi avoiding people like she has for the last 26 days) After an hour and fifteen minutes of working on the pipes thinking that was the problem Carlos declares the heater dead, and goes to get a new one.
So...Jenn and I finally got to bed at about 1am. This is the one and only reason I rent (well besides not having money for a down payment or the fact that we are still working on rebuilding our credit from stupid mistakes in the past). Can you imagine how much a new water heater would have cost at 10pm??
So I am at work this morning, and I notice the sadness start creeping up in me again. No problem, I know how to help myself feel better. I will not let today end up like Sunday and Monday were. I want another good day please. I chalk it up to really not seeing Jenn much yesterday, I mean she didn't get home from work until 7:15, so I really only saw her for a little over an hour before I locked myself in the bedroom.
I get myself figured out when one of my coworkers friends comes in and says "So, hows my favorite pregnant lady doing?" Poor guy. I immediately dissolved into a pool of tears and my boss came running out of his office box of tissues in hand.
I only ever told four people out loud about Blueberry leaving. My dad and mom, Elissa and Lyz. Everyone else either heard it through the grapevine, or Jenn told them. I couldn't. I couldn't even tell Philip as he stood there apologizing, I just let him assume what I was crying about.
Tomorrow we have our three doctor appointments. I know that more crying will ensue. I wish that we could walk in there tomorrow and Dr. Martin would say "I figured it out, this is what went wrong". I don't care if it was even something I did or didn't do, I mean I am blaming myself anyway right? At least this way I would know what to do differently next time.
After the appointments we are going out to lunch. And then we're gonna head home to start prepping for Florida.
I need Florida like a crack whore needs a fix.
Jenn came home from work, I cooked dinner all was going well.
Then we laughed. Things can't go well for almost 24 hours can they? Jenn was doing some laundry and noticed the floor was wet. We spend time staring at the washer thinking it was leaking. Again, we couldn't be that lucky. If the washer had been leaking we could have just not used it anymore last night and called maintenance in the morning.
Nope, it was the water heater. Upon further investigation we found a loverly pipe leaking water all over the place. Instant call to emergency maintenance at 8:28pm. Carlos the supervisor and our former neighbor whom we love happened to be on call and said he would be right over.
I locked me, Minne and Igan into the bedroom so that they wouldn't get in his way and Jenn stayed downstairs chatting with him and "helping". (otherwise known as Heidi avoiding people like she has for the last 26 days) After an hour and fifteen minutes of working on the pipes thinking that was the problem Carlos declares the heater dead, and goes to get a new one.
So...Jenn and I finally got to bed at about 1am. This is the one and only reason I rent (well besides not having money for a down payment or the fact that we are still working on rebuilding our credit from stupid mistakes in the past). Can you imagine how much a new water heater would have cost at 10pm??
So I am at work this morning, and I notice the sadness start creeping up in me again. No problem, I know how to help myself feel better. I will not let today end up like Sunday and Monday were. I want another good day please. I chalk it up to really not seeing Jenn much yesterday, I mean she didn't get home from work until 7:15, so I really only saw her for a little over an hour before I locked myself in the bedroom.
I get myself figured out when one of my coworkers friends comes in and says "So, hows my favorite pregnant lady doing?" Poor guy. I immediately dissolved into a pool of tears and my boss came running out of his office box of tissues in hand.
I only ever told four people out loud about Blueberry leaving. My dad and mom, Elissa and Lyz. Everyone else either heard it through the grapevine, or Jenn told them. I couldn't. I couldn't even tell Philip as he stood there apologizing, I just let him assume what I was crying about.
Tomorrow we have our three doctor appointments. I know that more crying will ensue. I wish that we could walk in there tomorrow and Dr. Martin would say "I figured it out, this is what went wrong". I don't care if it was even something I did or didn't do, I mean I am blaming myself anyway right? At least this way I would know what to do differently next time.
After the appointments we are going out to lunch. And then we're gonna head home to start prepping for Florida.
I need Florida like a crack whore needs a fix.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thank goodness for good insurance.
01/10/2008 01/10/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
329.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL CRNAS
480.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LGH PATHOLOGY
116.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 ANESTHESIA ASSOC OF LANCASTER
720.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
5726.30 APPROVED
Thank you Wachovia for providing insurance to domestic partners.
329.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL CRNAS
480.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LGH PATHOLOGY
116.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 ANESTHESIA ASSOC OF LANCASTER
720.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
5726.30 APPROVED
Thank you Wachovia for providing insurance to domestic partners.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Oh the things she says
When you first meet Jenn, she comes off as a little gruff. It is her defense mechanism. She doesn't trust people easily so she'd just rather not stick her heart out there if given the choice. Underneath that gruff exterior is a heart of gold, and some of the most sensitive emotions, sometimes more sensitive than mine.
Last night we were sitting in bed and she laid down on my lap. Like so many nights before she put her hand on my belly. I put my hand on top of hers, I thought I knew what was coming. I realized she was crying so I rubbed her back and she said through the sobs "I only ever kissed your belly once." My heart broke. I tried to argue with her, I swear she did it more than once, but she could even tell me exactly where, when and why she did it. Just once. That is so unfair for her.
Later in the evening we were talking about how I do want to try again, but am scared to death. I have nightmares, Jenn has good dreams-we are yin and yang. She dreams every night about our twin girls. She told me she's okay with that, she's got her boy.
Last night we were sitting in bed and she laid down on my lap. Like so many nights before she put her hand on my belly. I put my hand on top of hers, I thought I knew what was coming. I realized she was crying so I rubbed her back and she said through the sobs "I only ever kissed your belly once." My heart broke. I tried to argue with her, I swear she did it more than once, but she could even tell me exactly where, when and why she did it. Just once. That is so unfair for her.
Later in the evening we were talking about how I do want to try again, but am scared to death. I have nightmares, Jenn has good dreams-we are yin and yang. She dreams every night about our twin girls. She told me she's okay with that, she's got her boy.
Friday, January 25, 2008
The after the loss credo
This is exactly how I feel right now. It says everything that I am feeling, or didn't realize I was feeling until I read it.
I need to talk about my loss. I may often need to tell you what happened - or to ask you why it happened. Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself face the reality of the death of my loved one. I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't judge me or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember, I am grieving. I may even be in shock. I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before. Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you "know how I feel," or that it's time for me to get on with my life. I am probably already saying this to myself. What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.
Most of all, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. And remember, in the days or years ahead, when you may have a loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
Author: Barbara Hills LesStrang
I need to talk about my loss. I may often need to tell you what happened - or to ask you why it happened. Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself face the reality of the death of my loved one. I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't judge me or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember, I am grieving. I may even be in shock. I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before. Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you "know how I feel," or that it's time for me to get on with my life. I am probably already saying this to myself. What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.
Most of all, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. And remember, in the days or years ahead, when you may have a loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
Author: Barbara Hills LesStrang
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