Saturday, January 19, 2008

Tiny Steps

Jenn called the Fertility Center for us yesterday. I'm very grateful that she did it. I know it must have hurt so much to have to say the words, I know I still can't say them.

Anita, one of the receptionists, talked to Dr. Filer and he said that we should only have to wait one cycle at the most before trying again. They like to have a cleansing cycle in between. He also said that since he didn't do most of our treatments, he would rather have Michelle (the awesome nurse) call us and discuss the next step for us. She may not even need us to wait the one cycle.

I still think we will though. If my body goes back to "normal" I should get my next period while we are in Florida. This would not work for monitoring and so forth.

They of course expressed their condolences, and almost more importantly reminded us that we are not the only ones this has happened to. When other people tell me that I want to scream shut-up. I know it's happened to others, but this is my grief right now. But having them say it, and tell us that so many of their patients have tried again and been successful is a huge help.

I will never be a comfortable pregnant woman again. I will not rent a home Doppler this time, I don't need the added stress of not being able to find the heartbeat on my own. But you can bet your left butt cheek that I'll be harassing Dr. Stabler for a weekly if not daily appointment to run in there and listen quick.

Jenn is calling Dr. Stabler on Monday to see if I can get in to see her. I want to get blood draws to 1-make sure my pregnancy numbers are falling (I started bleeding again yesterday) I don't want there to be any retained tissue, 2-check my thyroid-I had to up the medication while pregnant, I don't want to be in a hyperthyroid mess, I want everything to be ready when we are ready to try, 3-just to talk. Find out what, if anything, can be done differently for the next pregnancy. I think I may be given to the high risk dr due to my advanced maternal age and second trimester loss.

We are slowly healing. Every night Jenn and I have laid in bed reassuring each other and listening to the other one get their feelings out. Nighttime is most definitely the worst. It means we have to face another day, it means I have to face the nightmares, and it means that another day has passed since we lost Blueberry. But morning comes and we still have each other. Right now that is the only thing holding me together.

I had bought Blueberry his first teddy bear, a cute little Michigan Wolverine, and we sleep with it every night. Two nights before we found out I had told Jenn that I sleep holding the bears hand, like I would soon be holding Blueberry's. I'm glad to have the bear now, while it will never replace our precious Blueberry, at least I'll always be able to hold his hand.


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