Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Innocence of Children. Or, I wish I had the answer sweetie.

On Thursday night we saw Skyler, Austin and Annabelle for the first time since the night we told them they were going to be "cousins". Elissa had already filled them in that we lost Blueberry, but this is the first time we've seen them.

When we got to the field (it was the coaches meeting for Annabelle's softball team, Jenn is Elissa's assistant.) Jenn got right out and went to say hi to Austin and Annabelle (Skyler was trying out for the travel baseball team). I stayed in my car and chatted with Elissa. Jenn and Belle came walking over and Jenn told her "It's okay, you can ask."

"Heidi," said Belle, "why did your baby die?"

This is something she has been asking Elissa a lot. When she asked Jenn, Jenn responded "I don't know." Belle said "that's okay, I'll ask Heidi."

I told her the same thing. I don't know. I wish I did know. She asked if we were going to have another one and I told her we are going to try. She liked that answer and ran off. Elissa said that Belle really wants there to be a baby, so she thinks that if Jenn and I don't have one, that Elissa should.

After she ran off Jenn asked if I was okay. I was a little teary, but I love that she wants to know, and I hate that I can't tell her. I hate that I can't tell myself or Jenn or anyone that wants to know.

Birth control pill packs come in packs of 28. Four rows of 7.

The first row of 7 I partied each night doing a countdown...27...26...25...24...23...22...21...

The second row of 7 I was quiet about it. Swallowed each pill dutifully. I even stopped complaining about them giving me the poops.

I'm in the third row. The fourth row doesn't really mean anything, they are just sugar pills, meant to help those actually using them for birth control to keep on track, so I don't need those ones.

There are now only 4 pills left, and each night when I swallow one, I start to panic a little bit. I'm nervous. I'm kinda afraid to get pregnant again. Which I am hope is totally normal. I'm not saying I don't want to be pregnant, or even that I don't want to try. I'm just afraid to be pregnant. My poor doctors office will have to let me in everyday to check the baby's heartbeat (or babies if you follow Jenn's dreams and believe that this will be twin girls). I'm afraid to tell everyone until I can't hide it with clothes anymore. But I'm not going to stop blogging, so anyone who reads this will know when it happens. And I'll have to tell everyone that doesn't read this so that they hear it from me, and not through the grapevine. I want a new baby(ies he he) to be as celebrated as Blueberry is, so everyone is going to know. I just hope I don't have to untell everyone again.

We've got a little wager going between Jenn and I. She thinks that now that we know how my body works, we'll get pregnant first shot. I know my luck, that ain't gonna happen. I say at least the second try. I also know my body. I've been told that Aunt Flo should show up 2 or 3 days after the pills run out. So, I translate that to my body to mean at least a week, if not two!!

Anywho, I must be off to Skyler's birthday party. We'll be playing lazer tag and watching a lazer light show. And by we'll I mean that I will be helping Elissa hold down the fort and take pictures!!


my cowgirl alter-ego said...

i hated that countdown. i'm thankful i get to try again, but bitter i have to.

hugs to you and the kiddoes. i wish i had the answer too.

Merr said...

Oh that's hard. With our first pregnancy that miscarried we were so excited that we told Cam he was going to be a big brother. we talked about the baby in my tummy. When we knew it was probably not viable, we stopped talking about it. A few weeks after we miscarried Cam said, " there's a baby in your tummy." I said no there wasn't any more. He asked why and I told him it died. Now we are not telling him until we know for sure everything is okay. It's just too hard to answer kid's questions.