Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Soooo Behind!!

Friday 6/13

We went and watched Belle at her end of the season Field Hockey tournament. She is really quite good. She won three awards, including best accuracy!!

(she's #17--and I'll post a video of her playing too)

Saturday 6/14

Lyz calls at 7:30am and asks what I would do if I was 14 weeks pregnant and had not had anything to eat or drink in 24 hours due to a stomach bug. Um, go to the doctor!!!

They admit her. Jenn spends all day in the hospital with her and then when Chris had to go to work we spent the night at their house with Avery. We had a blast!!

We baked Chris a cake for Father's Day (she kept saying it was daddy's birthday cake...too cute)

Jenn organized their freezer (she is a freak like that.)

Sunday 6/15

Lyz is released from the hospital. Tired, sore, but feeling better and full of fluids.

Jenn and Elissa threw a pizza/awards/pool party for the softball team at the hotel. Again, way too much fun and the girls were all so cute!! I think all of the families came but one. It was the perfect weather and everyone had a blast dunking Jenn and Elissa in the pools!

Jenn, Belle and Elissa after giving Belle her medal

Jenn getting dunked in the pool

It was also my 10 year anniversary of working at the hotel, and my first day on clomid!!

Monday-Wednesday 6/16-6/18

Boring. Cleaning the house, running errands, normal boring life stuff.


I did better than I thought I would for Blue's missed birthday. Lyz had left a wonderful package on our front porch with a blanket for Blue. It is so beautiful. I wrapped the Blueberry bear in it and held it for most of the morning. She also gave be a cd with the song I'll Stand By You by the Pretenders. Oh my goodness. Listening to it as a song from her to me was amazing. It is perfect for our situation.

We were surprised later in the afternoon by a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Elissa. They still look absolutely now and are still blooming. Perfect thing to remind us of our precious Blue.

We finally got out of bed around 4, showered and went to dinner at Ichiban which was yummy, but I didn't eat much, just couldn't. We went home and played Wii for a bit and headed back to bed.

Friday 6/20

Skyler had a baseball game at 6pm so we went and watched. It was part of their end of the season tournament, and since they lost, also was their last game. I love watching them now, after watching them years ago play what by daddy calls "Magnet Ball". He is a great catcher!



Saturday 6/21

Went to Lancaster's Gay Pride day. We saw some people I haven't seen in years so that was big fun! But it was so stinking hot!! I don't sweat much, and even I had a damp forehead!!

Sunday 6/22

Chris, Lyz and Avery came over for dinner and to play with our Wii. I also worry when I cook for other people that they won't like what I make...and I watched Chris eat his plate of food thinking "He could be telling me he likes it, but is really just swallowing it not to make me feel bad". That thought left my mind when he took thirds. Avery was fun to play with. I was also proud of Minne and Igan for doing as well as they did (that is not to say that they were perfect, but after not really being around kids they did an excellent job of tolerating Avery!)

Avery "playing" tennis on the Wii

(I will be posting a video of Chris and Lyz)

It was also Minnesota's 10th birthday!!

Now...lets talk about our feelings. I want to cry, but I can't. I can have lots of tears, but I just can't get to the point where I am actually crying. I want to and bad. I just want to have one of those all out bawling sessions where you let everything out and when you are done you feel just a little better.

I think many many months of holding it all in, trying to be the big strong, I can handle this, everyone else needs to be worried about, type has made me unable to share. For years I have been the kind of person that just locks it all in. I don't like to burden others. I especially hate asking for help. I think this is part of the reason that that song really speaks to me, one of the lines is "Nothing you confess, will make me love you less." I am trying to confess. Trying so very hard to get the pain out of me, but I just don't want to burden others with it. I know that getting it out won't cure the pain either, but I am tired of this plaster facade I have built on my face. I am tired of hearing everyone tell me how proud they are of me for being so strong, when inside I am dying.

I spend so much time trying to be the Heidi that I think people want to see, the old Heidi who was always positive and could always say just the right thing to make people feel better. I can't do that anymore. When someone else is in pain I am at a total loss to be able to help them, because I've gone past the point of help myself.

See, I wrote all of that out, and I'm sitting here thinking about deleting it all. Why? Because I don't want to burden any of my readers with my real thoughts. I'd rather share all the fluff.


my cowgirl alter-ego said...

Don't delete a word. Some of us are thinking much the same and need to know we aren't alone.

Love from here.

B said...

Leave it there woman. Seriously, if you were as strong as you led everyone to believe I wouldn't think you were real..more like a Stepford Heidi. I'd rather see you warts and all, makes it easier to believe that you'll be my friend even when I'M not perfect..which is a lot of the time. Now, how bout we play some more Mario Kart this weekend? I'm going to practice this week, and you and Jenn will feel the wrath of b on the track!! Loved playing with you two, really wish you lived closer. Tell Jenn hi, and that I'll send her a plane ticket if she'll come down and cook for me. I'll buy her all the beer she can drink!

Chris said...

Oh Heidi...lots of hugs to you.

I'm glad you found a song. As silly as it is, there are a few that I played over and over in the worst of times that provided some degree of comfort.

j.k-c. said...

Thank you so much for sharing. Your feelings and process are so valuable and so important. You don't know how important your words might be to someone else.
And as a therapist....I do believe that talking about your feelings can bring some healing, as long as you get the validation that you need when you share.
You are so brave. Thank you.