Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Plaster Facade

This is a phrase I use often. I keep getting told that I am so strong, so brave, blah blah. Nope. I wear a loverly mask. My perfect little plaster facade. Jenn sees it fall of, she knows when it is cracking and tries to keep me together.

The summer between 6th and 7th grade I got bit by the acting bug. A little odd for me if you know me in real life, as I am super-duper shy. I can't order food over the phone, I can't get my own cotton candy at a concession stand (trust me, there is someone out there laughing about the cotton candy) I'm just super shy. It's the only reason that I wish Jenn was a bit taller, I'd be able to hide behind her better. On a good day I can order my own food from a server in a restaurant. On a really good day the server can even hear me.

Anyway, back to acting. My mom signed me up for a community theater class and we did The Wiz. It was fun, and I was was smitten with being an actress. (In fact one of my favorite pictures ever taken of me was in my makeup and costume for The Wiz.)

In 8th grade theater was one of the electives we could choose, and choose it I did. We did a play called Last Chance High. I even got a major role in it. I played a student teacher named Nina Nolan who tried very hard to get the students of this school to actually want to graduate. I even remember my singing solo word for word.

"Your high school diploma,
you'll want to possess.
That spirit of victory,
achievement and success.
The day that you earn it,
your spirit will lift.
Your high school diploma,
the greatest of gifts."

Over the stage we had hung a big sign that said "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here." That's how I feel about my uterus at the moment. Hey spermies, don't think you are getting anywhere, there's no hope inside for you!

Anywho, I think it is the caged in actress inside of me helping me keep the facade going. I haven't had a good classic meltdown in quite awhile. (I think the last one I had was the night we saw Dark Knight? But I could be mistaken). I did break down and cry while on the phone with Lyz the other night, but that does not a meltdown make.

I don't really know what the point of all that I just typed, I guess just writing to hear my nails on the keyboard!


B said...

It's hard to keep that mask in place sometimes..I know it is. This is not okay, and you don't have to pretend it is with those of us who love you.

Anonymous said...

I'm with B-- there's no need for you to keep the mask on here, in front of us. I think you and I are feeling some of the same things right now, but even when it is hard for me to have hope for myself, I have it for you. Hang in there.

mulberry said...

i am so so sorry heidi for your suffering and disappointment...

it has taken me YEARS of therapy (yay for my group) and friends that kicked my butt to help me break free. to get to a point where i am not ALWAYS FINE. i started out developing the *i'm fine* facade as a protection from parents who loved me, but i did not think could handle it if i was not FINE.

i am sooooo much more alive now that i don't have to be fine all the time. (i am still a bit inclined in that way, don't think i have it all mastered)

i know it in hard to imagine, and hard to do... but try and do as B and eggdance said, try and be really *not fine* with us and don't worry about the falling pieces/debris, we can handle it :)

JamieD said...

I think we all live behind a mask a little bit. It is just easier to keep your hurt and weakness to yourself. I find it really hard to even open up to Hubby sometimes.

I am thinking of you . . .