Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I don't think I'm depressed.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking I am, but not wanting to do anything about it because I am tired of taking drugs. But during a phone conversation about Thanksgiving I came to the realization that I am not depressed. I am royally pissed off.

I am pissed off at all the loss. Ours, Lyz's, B & K's, Sara's, Isn't it Pretty to Think So's, Travelher and Pufferfish, Beth's, my Aunt Bridget's and sooooo many others. If I didn't name you, it isn't because I have forgotten your pain, it's because my fingers are tired of typing. I'm getting angrier with each person's face that pop's into my mind which is making my fingers stiff and hard to move. It is horrible how much loss we have all had to endure.

Then there are the other people who have been denied even the loss. Not only in the blogs I read, but people close to my heart who I shouldn't name because that would be unfair to them to broadcast their infertility without their permission. Those that are trying again month after month with nothing to show but their broken heart.

I am enraged. I am enraged at the unfairness of it all. I am enraged that someone I know and love gave birth to two beautiful and wonderful children and treats them horribly. Treats herself like crap with drugs and alcohol and does not even care one ounce about the wonderful lives she has brought into this world. Okay, maybe she does care a little, but somehow I fail to see it.

I don't cry very often about it all anymore. I shake, my face turns red, and I start biting my lips. I peel the skin off of my lips way too often. But I don't know how to stop being angry.

The other night while watching the Emmy's I texted a friend complaining that every-freaking-one is pregnant and I am tired of looking at them all. Without even thinking that the friend I texted is pregnant. While I know that this friend shares my feelings, I came to the realization that I don't think about my anger before I spew it out to others. How selfish of me.

I need to get over the anger so that I can move on in the grieving process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never reach acceptance, but anger is not the proper place to be resting.


B said...

I don't know that anger wasn't at least a place you needed to visit. But you're right, we can't stay there. If you figure out how to stop being angry, I could use a few hints.

Mrs. Spit said...

Sigh. You are right to be angry. I'm learning that anger is a normal, natural response to a situation that is wrong, out of order, unfair, cruel and wretched.

But no, you can't stay there. And leaving is hard.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being angry for me. Sometimes I think that I post about a loss, and people do the obligatory, "I'm sorry that sucks," and then move on. It makes me feel like I don't matter, but to know that you are angry for my losses and thinking about it means the world to me. And with that, I would like to give you permission to let go of a bit of your anger. The piece that you have for me. Because while I appreciate it, I know that it is not good for you and I would hate to think that you are suffering b/c of me.

giggleblue said...

assvice ahead - we talked about anger in therapy today and the question was asked, "what does the anger provide for you?"

example - i get angry when people don't pay attention to me. my anger towards those who aren't paying attention, makes them pay attention. so my anger provides me with attention.

anger is not always a negative thing - sometimes it serves a very real and useful purpose. please think about what that purpose is. sometimes it's the first step to healing.

i'm truly sorry for you loses and i think about them more than you would know. be blessed.

Ninefirefly said...

I am with you. Though I think maybe I am angry AND depressed. It's kinda hurty in this place.

JamieD said...

Mrs. Spit is right - it's okay to be angry, but not a good place to stay.

I hope you find you way out soon . . .

Mrs. Spit said...

Heidi -

Yes, on Sat. Same as yours?

tbean said...

I don't blame you for being angry. You have every right to be. Anger is one of the stages of coping and sometimes it can be more energizing and productive than grieving.