Thursday, September 18, 2008

Too Much Information

Dear goodness. For a twenty minute appointment I feel like my brains melted and started running out of my ears.
  • I start the Lupron 9/30.
  • We go back, with our pile of syringes on 9/25 to teach Jenn how to shoot me up.
  • Stress is bad.
  • This is a little more expensive than I had planned. (Fees insurance doesn't cover, two orders of swimmers...copays on the druggies, etc.)
  • I'm stressed.
  • I may be referred to a high risk doctor.
  • My last cycle control pill is 10/6.
  • My period should come a few days later.
  • When that happens, call them for my first of many ultrasound/bloodwork appointments.
  • They will tell me then, when to start the Follistim.
When Michelle was talking about stress she asked me what is stressing me. Um, this. She said, so when we get your pregnant the stress will go away? I got teary eyed. No, when I get pregnant I will just become more stressed. What will take my stress away? A baby, breathing, in a crib. I have faith, hope, whatever you want to call it, that I will get pregnant again. It's after the positive test that freaks me out. Will I just kill another one?

I spent the afternoon in a high, knowing we were moving forward again. We went and picked up our new glasses. We used our trial membership at BJ's and found that they have some good deals, and some that Costco totally kicks their butt. The nice thing about BJ's is the accept Visa, where as I have to use my ATM card at Costco, and BJ's accepts coupons, and well, I am the queen of coupons.

Just a little bit ago I sat here reading through the folder that Michelle gave us, and I have begun my panic. It's so much money, which is tight in our house right now. It's not a promise of a baby, breathing, in a crib. It's just another hope. Last week while I was peeing on pee stick after pee stick always getting the same negative answer, I mentioned an Albert Einstein quote to Lyz.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Am I insane to try and get pregnant again, and expect to keep it? What makes me think that I will get a different result this time?


Mrs. Spit said...

Hope. And it spring eternal, and it's better for us to live with it than without it.

I'm sorry today is a rough day. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Amen Sista! I said the meat of your Albert Einstein quote just today. Hope vs. hopless...I think I am somewhere in between. What a head spinning day for you! Good luck to doing something different and getting different results!- Beth

vee said...

You're not insane. Hoping for a different result is all we can do - I'm sure you'll get one soon.

JamieD said...

I had a good friend tell me once that if I wasn't meant to have a child, God wouldn't have placed the desire in my heart. It was what I needed to hear, so I held on to it. The desire to be a mother isn't insanity.

I would always leave my doc's office feeling overwhelmed. I would even go with a pen and paper but still not felt like I 'got it'.

I hope this cycle is perfect!

Gia said...

okkk OVERLOAD!!!!

tbean said...

That damn Einstein quote circles round my head and drives me effing nuts. I just trotted it out this morning, as evidence of why bother trying again this cycle.

I'm so sorry you are in the bad place. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I would like to think that we get closer and closer to what we want with every cycle. I always find it hopeful (and helpful) to try something new, so I hope that it is the same for you. We've been doing the injections for a few days now and they are not too bad. Welcome to the club!