Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sad little snowman, sad little tree, sad little me.

A tradition started on our little "strip" of tourist trap last year. All the businesses received a cute 8 foot tall snowman cutout to decorate and display on the road. Jenn and I spent hours last year planning him. And he was cute. Not as cute as some of the others on the strip, but cute.

Every year at the hotel they put up a big beautiful REAL Christmas tree. Every year in the past I have been in charge of decorations.

This year...the snowman was due up November 10th. He is still in storage. He is still my responsibility and I just can't seem to muster up the energy to care about him. I know what I plan on doing to him (Dressing him in a Hawaiian shirt and sticking a few flamingos in the ground around him), I just haven't done it.

Our Christmas tree arrived yesterday at the hotel, and it is one sad little tree. Usually it is so tall and full and beautiful that people are convinced it is fake. This one, compared to last year, looks like Charlie Brown picked it out. And again, I can't find it within myself to care that people decorated it with crappy gold garland from three years ago, and balls that have chipped paint on them.

My boss asked if I liked it, or if I would like some money to go get new stuff to spruce (ha ha pun) it up. No, it's fine the way it is I replied.

What the hell is wrong with me? Christmas is my holiday!!?? All the baking and decorating and the ability to go crazy-ass-tacky with everything? And I don't seem to care. I want to care, my eyes lit up when I first saw the tree this morning. Then I looked closer and saw how sad it looked all missing branches and 5 feet shorter than last years, and my eyes filled with tears.

So...I called my doctor and made an appointment to be seen regarding depression. I hate the fact that I feel 10 times worse now than I did 10.5 months ago. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that so few people remember. So few people understand why I am sad. They even admit it...I don't understand why you are still so upset? I want to shake them, show them their child and say "How the hell would you feel if he/she was in heaven right now?"

I'm trying. I cleaned the kitchen up after dinner last night instead of letting everything fester (or flipping out on Jenn when she tried to clean it). Tonight we are heading out to buy enough supplies to make 17 batches of the cookies for the contest. I have a lot of baking ahead of me...and a lot of getting better to do.


S. said...

your post brought tears to my eyes. for what its worth, i understand why you are sad & i remember your blue, along with all of our other little lost souls.

i say, go ahead and shake the insensitive dolts! people can be so thoughtlessly insensitive.

{hugs} to you.

Mrs. Spit said...

I remember blue.

Thinking of you, and wishing that your blue christmas had an entirely different meaning.

vee said...

Hugs. We won't forget your boy, or ask stupid ass questions about how long til you're over this. Keep taking care of yourselves as best you can. xxx

Anonymous said...

Hugs. Xmas time can make sad times sadder. But your child isn't forgotten.

Chris said...

Oh Heidi... I'm glad you're going to talk to someone. This is such a crappy time of year for anyone that's grieving. I'm sorry there are people in your life that have forgotten your angels. OF COURSE you haven't forgotten and shame on anyone for implying that you ever will. I'm angry that anyone would be so callous about Blue.

I haven't forgotten. And I'm going to squeeze mine just a little bit tighter tonight.

I'm sorry, Heidi. Just so, so sorry.

Ninefirefly said...

I'm sorry. *hugs*

Kim said...

I'll never forget.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry, hun. It is so different for us and I wish there was a real fix for it. It makes me want to stand in the middle of the street and scream at the world.

I hope you have a good talk with your doctor and they find you a good solution.

I will always remember Blue . . .

B said...

I remember. I remember every day.

I am sorry I missed this post. The trip to the doctor is a good idea and will help you a lot. It will never stop you from remembering, but I don't think you want to forget. I don't want to.

I love you, this only makes you stronger in my eyes. I hope you know that.