Where I really am.

Monday was our last day off together before Jenn returned to work. We had lots of fun. We went and got Jenn's hair done so she'd look super cute on her first day at work. We did several errands.

Then we headed to our storage unit to get out the outside Christmas decorations. You've seen my small lawn from our Halloween pictures...we are even worse when it comes to Christmas. If Jenn had her way we would put out Christmas decorations the day we take down Halloween, but I don't let her have her way all of the time. Over the weekend three of our neighbors put out their decorations, so I gave Jenn the go ahead to do ours. (Alternate reason is that it is just getting way too cold to want to stand outside for that long, yes, I'm selfish sometimes)

When I put the decorations away last year I was still in a haze, so nothing is put away nicely, and nothing was labeled. I bent down to open one box and bam...maternity clothes. I did well to be honest. I closed the box back up and said someday I'll need you. (No, I still didn't label the box so this will happen again!!)

I enjoyed putting out the decorations. Our lawn looks all happy and bright. I'll show pictures once it is officially complete, we buy one more thing at Kmart on Thanksgiving every year, it's our tradition.

Tuesday morning came and we got ready for work together. I was great all day. Excited for Jenn, excited for our checkbook. I came home to just the pets and picked up a little bit, started dinner and all was fine. Until Jenn got home. Then I lost it. I cried and sobbed and had a grand old pity party. This isn't what we are supposed to be doing. Christmas this year was supposed to be the best ever. I'm supposed to worry about money because I want to buy Blue every awesome toy there is out there. I'm supposed to be in a hurry to get out of work so that I can pick up his smiling face from day care. We're supposed to be waiting together at the door from momma to come home from her job.

Yesterday I had off. Again, I did wonderfully. I cleaned some more, got dinner going, lounged around in my pj's all day. Then Jenn got home and again I lost it. I feel so bad for Jenn. She is enjoying her job, but I am sure my crying fits when she gets home makes her feel guilty for leaving me. She shouldn't. I am so proud of her. I love that she is happy and has something to do. I don't know why I freak out when she gets home.

I blame the upcoming holidays.

I'm mostly ignoring Thanksgiving. I will work the day shift at the hotel. We've been invited to several different dinners, to most we've said no thank you, to one we've said, we'll just have to see. We will have to play it by ear and see how thankful we are feeling. I'm having a very difficult time feeling thankful. Yes, there are many things I am thankful and grateful for. But there is a big empty spot in my heart that feels black, cold and bitter.

Christmas...I'm choosing to deny that it is coming. Yes, we have decorations out. Yes, we've even picked up a few Christmas gifts. Beyond that I cry. We'll be getting a real tree this year. We threw out the fake one last year. I was pregnant. Jenn and I had always said that our children will not know of fake trees. We bought the tree stand at 75% off the day after Christmas. There will be a real tree, and no son there to enjoy it.

I'm broken. I'm tired of being broken. I'm tired of people in my life not realizing that I am broken. Why do people think you should be all better? Why don't they understand that I never will be all better. I put on a great show, I know I do. I know this because the people around me that do notice that I am broken often tell me how strong I am. Even when I tell them I hate hearing that. I'm not strong. I am broken.

I want to smile. We've been playing a lot of Dr. Mario on the Wii lately, and I think it is because Jenn knows I'll smile. Yes, playing a silly game can make me smile. Playing that game is one of the few times a real smile settles upon my lips.

I'm tired of the same questions with the same answer.

Are you okay? I'm trying to be.
Are you going to be okay? Someday.

And then it getting dropped. If you don't really want to know the answer, don't ask. If I say I'm okay, I'm lying. I just don't want to get into it right now. If I say I'm not okay, understand. If I turn around and stop looking at you, I simply don't want you to see my tears.

I'm hoping that spilling this all forth onto "paper" will help the poison get out of me a little. I'm sorry that you have to read it. Maybe someone out there needs to read it so they know they aren't alone. I have a blog I read where I swear the person who writes it lives in my heart. We aren't alone. There are lots of us out here. Lots of people that no one knows hurt, until they feel the pain themselves. We'll get through it. We have to.

To people I know in real life: If you are reading this, I'm not talking about you. The people I'm talking about don't read this blog, as far as I know. So I guess if you are reading it in secret, I might be talking about you. But I doubt it.