Thursday, November 20, 2008

Where I really am.

Monday was our last day off together before Jenn returned to work. We had lots of fun. We went and got Jenn's hair done so she'd look super cute on her first day at work. We did several errands.

Then we headed to our storage unit to get out the outside Christmas decorations. You've seen my small lawn from our Halloween pictures...we are even worse when it comes to Christmas. If Jenn had her way we would put out Christmas decorations the day we take down Halloween, but I don't let her have her way all of the time. Over the weekend three of our neighbors put out their decorations, so I gave Jenn the go ahead to do ours. (Alternate reason is that it is just getting way too cold to want to stand outside for that long, yes, I'm selfish sometimes)

When I put the decorations away last year I was still in a haze, so nothing is put away nicely, and nothing was labeled. I bent down to open one box and bam...maternity clothes. I did well to be honest. I closed the box back up and said someday I'll need you. (No, I still didn't label the box so this will happen again!!)

I enjoyed putting out the decorations. Our lawn looks all happy and bright. I'll show pictures once it is officially complete, we buy one more thing at Kmart on Thanksgiving every year, it's our tradition.

Tuesday morning came and we got ready for work together. I was great all day. Excited for Jenn, excited for our checkbook. I came home to just the pets and picked up a little bit, started dinner and all was fine. Until Jenn got home. Then I lost it. I cried and sobbed and had a grand old pity party. This isn't what we are supposed to be doing. Christmas this year was supposed to be the best ever. I'm supposed to worry about money because I want to buy Blue every awesome toy there is out there. I'm supposed to be in a hurry to get out of work so that I can pick up his smiling face from day care. We're supposed to be waiting together at the door from momma to come home from her job.

Yesterday I had off. Again, I did wonderfully. I cleaned some more, got dinner going, lounged around in my pj's all day. Then Jenn got home and again I lost it. I feel so bad for Jenn. She is enjoying her job, but I am sure my crying fits when she gets home makes her feel guilty for leaving me. She shouldn't. I am so proud of her. I love that she is happy and has something to do. I don't know why I freak out when she gets home.

I blame the upcoming holidays.

I'm mostly ignoring Thanksgiving. I will work the day shift at the hotel. We've been invited to several different dinners, to most we've said no thank you, to one we've said, we'll just have to see. We will have to play it by ear and see how thankful we are feeling. I'm having a very difficult time feeling thankful. Yes, there are many things I am thankful and grateful for. But there is a big empty spot in my heart that feels black, cold and bitter.

Christmas...I'm choosing to deny that it is coming. Yes, we have decorations out. Yes, we've even picked up a few Christmas gifts. Beyond that I cry. We'll be getting a real tree this year. We threw out the fake one last year. I was pregnant. Jenn and I had always said that our children will not know of fake trees. We bought the tree stand at 75% off the day after Christmas. There will be a real tree, and no son there to enjoy it.

I'm broken. I'm tired of being broken. I'm tired of people in my life not realizing that I am broken. Why do people think you should be all better? Why don't they understand that I never will be all better. I put on a great show, I know I do. I know this because the people around me that do notice that I am broken often tell me how strong I am. Even when I tell them I hate hearing that. I'm not strong. I am broken.

I want to smile. We've been playing a lot of Dr. Mario on the Wii lately, and I think it is because Jenn knows I'll smile. Yes, playing a silly game can make me smile. Playing that game is one of the few times a real smile settles upon my lips.

I'm tired of the same questions with the same answer.

Are you okay? I'm trying to be.
Are you going to be okay? Someday.

And then it getting dropped. If you don't really want to know the answer, don't ask. If I say I'm okay, I'm lying. I just don't want to get into it right now. If I say I'm not okay, understand. If I turn around and stop looking at you, I simply don't want you to see my tears.

I'm hoping that spilling this all forth onto "paper" will help the poison get out of me a little. I'm sorry that you have to read it. Maybe someone out there needs to read it so they know they aren't alone. I have a blog I read where I swear the person who writes it lives in my heart. We aren't alone. There are lots of us out here. Lots of people that no one knows hurt, until they feel the pain themselves. We'll get through it. We have to.

To people I know in real life: If you are reading this, I'm not talking about you. The people I'm talking about don't read this blog, as far as I know. So I guess if you are reading it in secret, I might be talking about you. But I doubt it.


MT said...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry u are hurting so hard and I give hugs to you and Jenn. The holidays are hitting me hard as well, we lost out little boy at 16 weeks. again hugs and comfort to you both

Anonymous said...

I love you.


Travelher and Pufferfish said...

I have been through a miscarriage and I understand that every m/c is different so I hope I can say the right thing. I hope someday you can be 'all better'. This next child--and yes, there will be a next child--needs you to be 'all better'.
Your body, mind and soul need to be healed. You need to find a way to regain your strength and become whole again.
I hope you can find a way to achieve this--for yourself.

vee said...

I guess losing Blue cut you wide open. As the wond heals, it will always leave a scar, but I hope it won't always hurt so badly. The name in the sand thing was beautiful, by the way. Hugs.

S. said...

i read your blog and burst right into tears, sitting here at my desk at work. i felt like i could have written it myself.

it does help me feel not so alone when i read others' stories. no one who hasn't been through a m/c understands. thank you for sharing. {{hugs}}

B said...

We love you Heidi. Some days are easier than others to feel kinda/sorta okay. I hope that your holidays are filled with some of those days. It's not fair, and it never will be.

R said...

I'm so sorry. The sadness just overwhelms you sometimes and it just seems like an endless battle. It will get better. But in the meantime, you are breathing, living and here. That says a lot. Hugs to you and your family and positive energy to you all.

Anonymous said...

I wish it weren't this way. Your losing Blue is a cruel and horrible thing that should never happen to anyone. I am so sorry it happened to you.

It's ok to be broken, to feel like it will never be right, and to be angry with people who want you to magically be all better. While time will likely soothe some of the wounds, they will always be there and it's better to acknowledge them than hide them away.

I hope that the horrible sadness subsides, but I also hope that there's a silver lining to the sobbing. I hope that you're able to experience some catharsis, some release of the pain.

Thinking about you.

tbean said...

I love that you were brave and shared everything you did, ugly and all. I hope it was helpful to you and getting these lovely comments is helpful too. I want to shut the door, hide under the covers, and pretend Thanksgiving and Christmas do not exist. And I haven't lost a baby. So truly, I only feel a fraction of the kind of pain that you do. Give yourself permission to be as sad as you need to be. This was not the Christmas you dreamed of last year and that will always suck and hurt and be unfair and more than you can handle. Maybe you need to declare it "Not-Christmas" this year.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry sweetie. That is what always seems to get me the most - the landmarks. The reminders of what we have lost. And it hurts even worse that no one knows your hurting.

Sending you thoughts of peace and strength

Anonymous said...

You do have secret readers? Go CV! Actually their football team sucks!

IrishNYC said...

Let it out, let it out, let it out. However you have to do it, let it out. It's ok to be bitter and sad.

Kim said...