Saturday, May 16, 2009

Just passing through the emotional tides

Seriously. I felt it all yesterday.

The Crankies: I'm only one person. I cannot do it all. I cannot make everyone happy at the same time, including myself.

The Thankfuls: Oh look...a new package in the mail...this one full of hcg drugs!!! Lori most certainly loves me.

The Fear: I hope I don't let Lori and everyone else down if we don't get pregnant, or kill yet another child.

The "oh forget it, let's just not have kids": Felt while walking through a carnival with teenagers everywhere. Teenagers. I don't want one of them. I just want the cute kid...nothing past 12 thank you very much.

The "hmm, that one looks to be about 11 months old, I wonder if that is what Blue would look like now?"s: Self explanatory.

The severely happies: Watching Avery and Delaney have fun at the carnival.

The pride: Jenn has been invited to play on a women's fast pitch softball team.

The sighs: I am so sick of being tired and tired of being sick.

The jealousies: Jenn and Lyz went for a jog last night. I wish I had the urge to do such a thing. I don't think that even if I could breathe right I wouldn't jog...just walking along behind them would be good enough for me. But it is so much more than that. I just don't have the desire to fix myself. I want that urge like Jenn and Lyz had last night. (I don't want to be pushed though either girls...I'll just get the crankies back lol)

I just felt it all. And to be honest it was quite draining. I played with Avery and Delaney while Jenn and Lyz jogged. It was fun. Only 10 minutes, so it isn't like that gave me the slightest hint at what motherhood is like. But it was really fun to juggle them. To make sure Delaney was happy while Avery and I did the "fill up the fishbowl with water and magic" dance for the goldfish she won at the fair (with Jenn's help, if I don't mention that Jenn will be sad). It was fun. I was kinda sad that Jenn and Lyz were back so quickly! But proud of them for being out there jogging!!

Anywho. I realize that this was a big old post about nothing, but I haven't posted all week so I thought that I should write something. Something is better than nothing. Ramble ramble blah blah?


jenn said...

I love you so much!!!

Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs.

JamieD said...

It IS draining . . .

I hope today is a better day!

IrishNYC said...

Sending hugs, since I already sent the drugs!

I'm thinking of stunting my kiddo at 10. No way do I want to deal with mini-me as a teen.

Teaberry said...

Sending good vibes.... I have those days, too. On Friday we had our IUI and were so excited and by the end of the night I was in tears. Go figure.

Anonymous said...

(((hugs))) and much love to you.

B said...

I love you too! I had my own run in with teenagers at the water park. I threatened to punch them, and they went away. : )

Amy said...

After reading this post I am in a complete panic to talk to you...

There is absolutely NOTHING that you did wrong to loose Little Blue. It is not your fault in anyway! I'm sure the disappointment that Jenn and Lyz (everyone) feels is because there is just so much love inside waiting to be shared. I don't have any medical understandings or explanations on why you are having to face this pain over and over again. I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it has been, but please please don't blame yourself. Thinking of you. Lots of love,