Ovarian Drama

Stupid lazy ovaries. We plan to start trying again on my next cycle. Because of that this past cycle I have been faithfully peeing on a variety of sticks, temping, checking my cervical mucus, and other things that I will not admit to the public involving something that I may or may not have stolen from my RE's office. (Dude, they have a lot of my money...one little piece of metal isn't going to be missed.)

You know what all the peeing and checking and temping and stealing got me? Nuffin. Oh sure, there were little glimmers of hope here and there. A temp dip. Darkening lines. Some stretchy cm. Even a few twingies here and there. Um, yeah, it is cycle day 23. No line to be seen. No temp jump. No nothing. Even if for some odd reason my cranky ovaries were to decide to let loose some egglings here in the next few days, it is way too late in my cylce for me to think they were good eggies. Even if I was straight and had spermies available whenever my little heart desired them, I would never have an opps baby. That makes me feel rather good to be honest.

At the same time, it makes me feel like such a failure. Such a fake. My heart and my head desire motherhood so much, but the rest of my body defys me. Even if I could ovulate on my own, my body is cruel and kicks the new little life out. Stupid body. Over a year ago I wrote a letter to my body trying to make peace with it. Couldn't we just get along? Here we are a year later, another dead child later, but still in the same place.

I need to get myself out of this hating myself funk again. I was doing so well for the months that I thought nothing of TTC. (Yes, of course I still thought about it, how can I not. But it wasn't a stressful thought, it was an oh off in the future we will do this kinda thought.) Now that the focus is back on trying again I feel like those damn walls are closing in on me.

I used to have a framed picture of Christ on my bedroom wall growing up. While Christ and I aren't on speaking terms, the words on that picture still very much speak to me.

I didn't say it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

This certainly hasn't been easy. Please let it be worth it.

Hoppy Easter!

I may have mentioned before that I believe that Easter is the worst of the childless holidays*. At least with Christmas there are still presents, Halloween you can still dress up and pass out candy. That Thursday in November...there is still yummy food.

But Easter? Two adults would look a little silly hiding eggs in the backyard for each other to find. We weren't invited over to anyone's egg dying parties this year**, so no reason to dye eggs (poor Minne, she loves her a good hard boiled egg.)

This would have been Blue's first Easter. It is such a beautiful day out. There are just a few cute little fluffy clouds in the bright blue sky, making it look like it is painted. We would have had so much fun hiding a few eggs for him to crawl around and find. His Easter basket would have been filled with peanut butter eggs and Cadbury creme eggs for Jenn and I. Oh, and lots of nasty black licorice flavored jelly beans for Jenn too. Maybe Blue would have liked black licorice flavor? (gag)

So, instead of moping over what we are missing***, we decided to enjoy the day! Okay, I'm lying. We weren't going to do anything special today but take a nap and make pizza for dinner. Then Joni came along and said Nope! You shall come over and we shall spend time together. For some odd reason she really hates it when Jenn and I don't celebrate holidays. She just won't let us stay home and mope.

So, we decided to bring dessert. The message board I belong to, and seemingly the rest of the internet, have been hailing the all wonderful and beautiful rainbow cake. Most people are making a loverly diet version of it. Not us. We made our own version. And yes, of course we took pictures!!!

Making the white cake batter:

Dividing the batter into six bowls:

Mixing in the colors:

Rainbow of batter:

(Like our new countertops?)
Layering the batter:

Pans of layered cake:

Hey, we aren't always perfect:

Finished product:

Looking after it was sliced:

A yummy slice!


We also watched Avery have a little Easter Egg Hunt, the bunny hid one on our car:


And then Joni had a special Easter Egg Hunt for the adults! She hid eggs in very difficult places...under the shed, in the wood pile, in the garbage can, in the sewer pipe, and over the other side of the fence:

Each of the eggs was two colors and Joni had a prize list for the different eggs, it was kinda like bingo. Anyone have a Pink and Yellow Egg? Bingo!!:

And then the prizes were handed out. Avery and Jenn modeling our rewards:

Joni hid them so well, that there are still five more hidden somewhere in the Landii yard!

What started off as a day at work with me crying because I miss my son so much, ended as a wonderful day spent with people we love, smiling, laughing and snuggling:


*Yes, I know that "the real reason for Easter is to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Sorry, the religious aspect isn't important to me right now as God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms.

**This is not meant to be a guilt trip towards those that could have invited us to their egg dying parties. I am just stating a fact, I am not offended at not being invited. My massive whining about the holiday is what most likely made you not invite me to your party so it is my own fault not yours!!

***Ha! Don't be fooled, we are still moping!

So....I'm not impressed with 2009 so far.

Just in case you were wondering, the banking industry is not the one to be in during this poor economy.

Jenn is again unemployed.

There will be alcohol consumed tonight.

(three people are standing over my shoulder watching me blog, wainting rather impatiently as the first shot as already been poured!)

A Little Better

I didn't cry when Jenn came home yesterday. I had dinner ready, and I had even baked her the pie she has been begging for the last two weeks. (Pumpkin in case you were wondering).

I did start to get a little hazy when we left the house to go to her eye doctor appointment (her fourth in the last month). I'm a homebody. I could totally be a hermit and not complain.

This morning we woke up to a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground. I started in my head with the "this should have been Blue's first real snow". But I've shaken myself out if it a bit. It still is his first snow. We just don't get to watch him play in it. Not that a five month old really would have been playing a lot. But I would have brought a bucket of it inside so that he could touch it. (I do this with the dog and cat, because they really like the snow, but are too prissy to stand around outside enjoying it.)

So, yesterday was better than the day before, and hopefully today will be better than yesterday.

(this does not mean that I am excited for Christmas, but I have been listening to the all Christmas radio channels in an effort to pull happy Heidi holidays out of the closet.)

Where I really am.

Monday was our last day off together before Jenn returned to work. We had lots of fun. We went and got Jenn's hair done so she'd look super cute on her first day at work. We did several errands.

Then we headed to our storage unit to get out the outside Christmas decorations. You've seen my small lawn from our Halloween pictures...we are even worse when it comes to Christmas. If Jenn had her way we would put out Christmas decorations the day we take down Halloween, but I don't let her have her way all of the time. Over the weekend three of our neighbors put out their decorations, so I gave Jenn the go ahead to do ours. (Alternate reason is that it is just getting way too cold to want to stand outside for that long, yes, I'm selfish sometimes)

When I put the decorations away last year I was still in a haze, so nothing is put away nicely, and nothing was labeled. I bent down to open one box and bam...maternity clothes. I did well to be honest. I closed the box back up and said someday I'll need you. (No, I still didn't label the box so this will happen again!!)

I enjoyed putting out the decorations. Our lawn looks all happy and bright. I'll show pictures once it is officially complete, we buy one more thing at Kmart on Thanksgiving every year, it's our tradition.

Tuesday morning came and we got ready for work together. I was great all day. Excited for Jenn, excited for our checkbook. I came home to just the pets and picked up a little bit, started dinner and all was fine. Until Jenn got home. Then I lost it. I cried and sobbed and had a grand old pity party. This isn't what we are supposed to be doing. Christmas this year was supposed to be the best ever. I'm supposed to worry about money because I want to buy Blue every awesome toy there is out there. I'm supposed to be in a hurry to get out of work so that I can pick up his smiling face from day care. We're supposed to be waiting together at the door from momma to come home from her job.

Yesterday I had off. Again, I did wonderfully. I cleaned some more, got dinner going, lounged around in my pj's all day. Then Jenn got home and again I lost it. I feel so bad for Jenn. She is enjoying her job, but I am sure my crying fits when she gets home makes her feel guilty for leaving me. She shouldn't. I am so proud of her. I love that she is happy and has something to do. I don't know why I freak out when she gets home.

I blame the upcoming holidays.

I'm mostly ignoring Thanksgiving. I will work the day shift at the hotel. We've been invited to several different dinners, to most we've said no thank you, to one we've said, we'll just have to see. We will have to play it by ear and see how thankful we are feeling. I'm having a very difficult time feeling thankful. Yes, there are many things I am thankful and grateful for. But there is a big empty spot in my heart that feels black, cold and bitter.

Christmas...I'm choosing to deny that it is coming. Yes, we have decorations out. Yes, we've even picked up a few Christmas gifts. Beyond that I cry. We'll be getting a real tree this year. We threw out the fake one last year. I was pregnant. Jenn and I had always said that our children will not know of fake trees. We bought the tree stand at 75% off the day after Christmas. There will be a real tree, and no son there to enjoy it.

I'm broken. I'm tired of being broken. I'm tired of people in my life not realizing that I am broken. Why do people think you should be all better? Why don't they understand that I never will be all better. I put on a great show, I know I do. I know this because the people around me that do notice that I am broken often tell me how strong I am. Even when I tell them I hate hearing that. I'm not strong. I am broken.

I want to smile. We've been playing a lot of Dr. Mario on the Wii lately, and I think it is because Jenn knows I'll smile. Yes, playing a silly game can make me smile. Playing that game is one of the few times a real smile settles upon my lips.

I'm tired of the same questions with the same answer.

Are you okay? I'm trying to be.
Are you going to be okay? Someday.

And then it getting dropped. If you don't really want to know the answer, don't ask. If I say I'm okay, I'm lying. I just don't want to get into it right now. If I say I'm not okay, understand. If I turn around and stop looking at you, I simply don't want you to see my tears.

I'm hoping that spilling this all forth onto "paper" will help the poison get out of me a little. I'm sorry that you have to read it. Maybe someone out there needs to read it so they know they aren't alone. I have a blog I read where I swear the person who writes it lives in my heart. We aren't alone. There are lots of us out here. Lots of people that no one knows hurt, until they feel the pain themselves. We'll get through it. We have to.

To people I know in real life: If you are reading this, I'm not talking about you. The people I'm talking about don't read this blog, as far as I know. So I guess if you are reading it in secret, I might be talking about you. But I doubt it.

As usual I am angry

Currently at myself. It's the PIO shots. They are killing me. Starting at about 8pm I become tense and weapy. Once I'm actually in bed laying down on my belly, it just gets worse. I start to bawl. First because I am scared. The needles scare the crap out of me. Jenn won't stick me until I say ready. I start screaming if she comes near me with the alcohol pad.

Then I start crying because I should want these shots. I should be so happy that they exisist so that I can sustain a pregnancy. Why am I such a wuss? Why do I feel that it is right to complain about something that is going to help me get what I want? The other night I called Lyz to talk to me while Jenn did it to try and distract me. Last night I couldn't call her because I didn't want to make a fool out of my bawling and blubbering self.

Then I cry even harder once the needle is in. It hurts. It hurts so much. Then for kicks and giggles it hurts even after it is all done.

All of this, and I am 99.7% sure I am not pregnant. We got ourselves all fooled and excited the other night with the world's prettiest evap line. But, it isn't meant to be yet again.

We will try one more time. It will be the last. Maybe we will try to save up for IVF after that, but for now the financial and emotional burden is too great.

Public Service Announcement: Target Pumpkins are Bad for your Health

I have spent the last 45minutes trying to find a picture of the offensive pumpkin, but I cannot. So...here is my pathetic example.



You know those pumpkins that you can buy at most stores that are hard foam and painted and already carved and already have a light bulb shoved up their butt??? I've always wanted one and we have a blank spot in our outdoor Halloween decorations. We were at Target the other day and they had a bunch of cute ones, for a rather reasonable price so we threw 4 into the cart. One of the four was a little one that didn't have a plug-in light, but required batteries for it to light up. So while waiting in line to check-out I flipped it over to see what kind of batteries we needed, since Target is nice enough to line their check-out aisles in things you forgot while you were shopping around such as batteries.

This is what I found on the bottom of the pumpkin:


Since the picture is small and fuzzy (cameraphone), here is what it says:

PROP 65 WARNING. This product contains chemicals including lead, known in the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects of other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.

Wanna know how quick those pumpkins were out of my cart?

I am flabbergasted. Seriously? I cannot believe that they would sell something like that. As I almost literally threw the pumpkins out of the cart the woman behind me asked what was wrong. I explained and she joined me in my freakout.

Here I am in the midst of trying to make a baby and I had my hands all over those pumpkins!!!! I know, I know, I am overreacting a bit. But still. Reproductive Harm??? As if I wasn't scared enough about harming futurebaby.

Humph.

I don't think I'm depressed.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking I am, but not wanting to do anything about it because I am tired of taking drugs. But during a phone conversation about Thanksgiving I came to the realization that I am not depressed. I am royally pissed off.

I am pissed off at all the loss. Ours, Lyz's, B & K's, Sara's, Isn't it Pretty to Think So's, Travelher and Pufferfish, Beth's, my Aunt Bridget's and sooooo many others. If I didn't name you, it isn't because I have forgotten your pain, it's because my fingers are tired of typing. I'm getting angrier with each person's face that pop's into my mind which is making my fingers stiff and hard to move. It is horrible how much loss we have all had to endure.

Then there are the other people who have been denied even the loss. Not only in the blogs I read, but people close to my heart who I shouldn't name because that would be unfair to them to broadcast their infertility without their permission. Those that are trying again month after month with nothing to show but their broken heart.

I am enraged. I am enraged at the unfairness of it all. I am enraged that someone I know and love gave birth to two beautiful and wonderful children and treats them horribly. Treats herself like crap with drugs and alcohol and does not even care one ounce about the wonderful lives she has brought into this world. Okay, maybe she does care a little, but somehow I fail to see it.

I don't cry very often about it all anymore. I shake, my face turns red, and I start biting my lips. I peel the skin off of my lips way too often. But I don't know how to stop being angry.

The other night while watching the Emmy's I texted a friend complaining that every-freaking-one is pregnant and I am tired of looking at them all. Without even thinking that the friend I texted is pregnant. While I know that this friend shares my feelings, I came to the realization that I don't think about my anger before I spew it out to others. How selfish of me.

I need to get over the anger so that I can move on in the grieving process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never reach acceptance, but anger is not the proper place to be resting.

Scared to Death

Yesterday Jenn called the fertility center to tell them I got my period, set up the injectables appointment, and to ask about birth control pills so that my cycle won't be 99 days long. When they called her back they told her they want me in for bloodwork today to check my ovaries. I haven't been responding well to the clomid, so they want to make sure my ovaries still work.

Now I'm scared to death. I spent all day yesterday somewhere between teary eyed and full out flipping out. It hurts to breathe, my stomach is in knots, I don't know what to do.

If my ovaries are dead, this is all over isn't it? If this bloodwork comes back bad, then my miracle is squashed.

I wasn't ready to let go of this yet.

Please, let them come back okay.

Soooo Behind!!

Friday 6/13

We went and watched Belle at her end of the season Field Hockey tournament. She is really quite good. She won three awards, including best accuracy!!


(she's #17--and I'll post a video of her playing too)

Saturday 6/14

Lyz calls at 7:30am and asks what I would do if I was 14 weeks pregnant and had not had anything to eat or drink in 24 hours due to a stomach bug. Um, go to the doctor!!!

They admit her. Jenn spends all day in the hospital with her and then when Chris had to go to work we spent the night at their house with Avery. We had a blast!!

We baked Chris a cake for Father's Day (she kept saying it was daddy's birthday cake...too cute)


Jenn organized their freezer (she is a freak like that.)


Sunday 6/15

Lyz is released from the hospital. Tired, sore, but feeling better and full of fluids.

Jenn and Elissa threw a pizza/awards/pool party for the softball team at the hotel. Again, way too much fun and the girls were all so cute!! I think all of the families came but one. It was the perfect weather and everyone had a blast dunking Jenn and Elissa in the pools!

Jenn, Belle and Elissa after giving Belle her medal


Jenn getting dunked in the pool


It was also my 10 year anniversary of working at the hotel, and my first day on clomid!!

Monday-Wednesday 6/16-6/18

Boring. Cleaning the house, running errands, normal boring life stuff.

Thursday-6/19/08

I did better than I thought I would for Blue's missed birthday. Lyz had left a wonderful package on our front porch with a blanket for Blue. It is so beautiful. I wrapped the Blueberry bear in it and held it for most of the morning. She also gave be a cd with the song I'll Stand By You by the Pretenders. Oh my goodness. Listening to it as a song from her to me was amazing. It is perfect for our situation.

We were surprised later in the afternoon by a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Elissa. They still look absolutely now and are still blooming. Perfect thing to remind us of our precious Blue.

We finally got out of bed around 4, showered and went to dinner at Ichiban which was yummy, but I didn't eat much, just couldn't. We went home and played Wii for a bit and headed back to bed.

Friday 6/20

Skyler had a baseball game at 6pm so we went and watched. It was part of their end of the season tournament, and since they lost, also was their last game. I love watching them now, after watching them years ago play what by daddy calls "Magnet Ball". He is a great catcher!

Catching


Batting


Saturday 6/21

Went to Lancaster's Gay Pride day. We saw some people I haven't seen in years so that was big fun! But it was so stinking hot!! I don't sweat much, and even I had a damp forehead!!

Sunday 6/22

Chris, Lyz and Avery came over for dinner and to play with our Wii. I also worry when I cook for other people that they won't like what I make...and I watched Chris eat his plate of food thinking "He could be telling me he likes it, but is really just swallowing it not to make me feel bad". That thought left my mind when he took thirds. Avery was fun to play with. I was also proud of Minne and Igan for doing as well as they did (that is not to say that they were perfect, but after not really being around kids they did an excellent job of tolerating Avery!)

Avery "playing" tennis on the Wii

(I will be posting a video of Chris and Lyz)

It was also Minnesota's 10th birthday!!




Now...lets talk about our feelings. I want to cry, but I can't. I can have lots of tears, but I just can't get to the point where I am actually crying. I want to and bad. I just want to have one of those all out bawling sessions where you let everything out and when you are done you feel just a little better.

I think many many months of holding it all in, trying to be the big strong, I can handle this, everyone else needs to be worried about, type has made me unable to share. For years I have been the kind of person that just locks it all in. I don't like to burden others. I especially hate asking for help. I think this is part of the reason that that song really speaks to me, one of the lines is "Nothing you confess, will make me love you less." I am trying to confess. Trying so very hard to get the pain out of me, but I just don't want to burden others with it. I know that getting it out won't cure the pain either, but I am tired of this plaster facade I have built on my face. I am tired of hearing everyone tell me how proud they are of me for being so strong, when inside I am dying.

I spend so much time trying to be the Heidi that I think people want to see, the old Heidi who was always positive and could always say just the right thing to make people feel better. I can't do that anymore. When someone else is in pain I am at a total loss to be able to help them, because I've gone past the point of help myself.

See, I wrote all of that out, and I'm sitting here thinking about deleting it all. Why? Because I don't want to burden any of my readers with my real thoughts. I'd rather share all the fluff.

7dpo.

One week down, one to go.

I'm doing awful things to myself, like getting my hopes up. The last two days have been full of odd crampies and twingies, crazy dreams, an odd gagging spell, and this morning a temp drop. On 7dpo, a temp drop. Could it be an implantation dip? Or is tomorrow going to bring me another low temp telling me its all over wayyy to soon?

I don't like getting my hopes up. It stinks. Jenn caught me while I was gagging my brains out. It was very much like I used to do before we found out we were pregnant with Blue, I simply walked into the kitchen, and gagged.

How soon can I test? How soon will the trigger shot be out of my system?? (I have spent a lot of time googling these answers, they are rhetorical.)

How in the heck am I going to make it till next Tuesday? And what a busy day Tuesday will be. We've got the pregnancy blood draw, it's election day here in PA, it's beauty day (haircut for Jenn, manicure for me), softball practice, and I'm missing something else.....

I think if my temps still look good come Sunday, I might let the dipstick fairy have some dipping fun. Maybe.

It is odd, but even with all the "good" signs, and feeling like I could really be pregnant again, I'm not optimistic. I have my hopes up, but at the same time feel as though they will crash and burn. And while I will cry if we aren't pregnant this time, there is always next cycle.

Tomorrow is my ovary check and progesterone test. I'll update when I get those results.

Things that are irritating me on this fine Wednesday morning.

Presented to you with bullets.

• People who refer to their MasterCard as MasterCharge.
  
• While we are at it, yet I haven't heard this today: People who refer to their Discover card as a Discovery card.
• Applicants who don't bring a pen.
• Applicants who do bring their three screaming children, and two friends.
• Applicants who continue to scream at the aforementioned three screaming children. Didn't they bring the friends to be babysitters?
• The hole in my lip that just caused me to spill a whole precious ounce of my once weekly 12-ounce chai-tea.
• People who tell me "I'm in your system" and when I respond "we got a new system a few months ago so we no longer have your information" still don't understand why I don't have their address memorized since they stayed here once 8 years ago.
• I came to the realization last night that I will taking my Clomid during the Quilt Show. The Quilt Show is hands down the busiest week of the year at the hotel, and the most stressful. I already sweat buckets while delivering the 8 million packages that come via UPS and FedEx each day. Now I'm gonna be adding the wonderful Clomid-crazies on top of it all!
• My resolve not to take any medicines that aren't 100% medically necessary (for example Advil). I have a killer headache and would love some right now.

I think that concludes my list for now. I will be back later with updates if needed.

I have a problem, and I am willing to admit it.

I am an information junkie. I must read everything I can about some things. This has been proven to be a not so good thing after losing Blueberry.

I read about D&E's...they are used for abortions.

I read about trying to conceive post late miscarriage...seems like it's a 50/50 shot to me.

I read other blogs about their losses in the hopes that them coming out the other side okay will console me...all it does is make me cry over their stories of loss.

I read that new study that shows that caffeine causes miscarriage. Two years before I got pregnant I all but gave up caffeine, but I know I had several iced teas while pregnant. So this does nothing but cause me to place more blame on myself. (yes...I know nothing I did or didn't do caused this miscarriage...but there will be no more tea...just water, even if I have to bring my own to restaurants.)

So...I have decided to get my information from other sources. My textbooks. I'm a pretty smart girl and will openly admit that I have never EVER actually read anything my teachers have told me to read, yet still come out with almost all A's.

This morning for some reason, even though I am almost three weeks behind in all my classes, I decided to read my books. Of course I did. That's just me. So it's going to take me five times as long to do my schoolwork than ever before...but it will keep me out of Google for a bit.

Back to Reality Sucks.

Jenn had to return to work today. She called me from the parking lot crying that she didn't want to go in, and I totally understand. She has, for the most part, set her emotions aside as a way of trying not to upset me and taking care of me. This is just how she is. Now matter how much time I have spent telling her that I need to see her cry too she just won't/can't do that.

I think this morning she had no choice but to let it out, and I feel terrible because I wasn't even there to comfort her. Thankfully she does not work tomorrow, and neither do I so we can go back to our peaceful life of the last two weeks in which we lay in bed eating Grasshopper Cookies and Oreo's and talk about what we are thinking/feeling.

If she stays at work all day (her boss told her to go home when she couldn't stop crying, she knows Jenn isn't ready to be back yet), then I have to hit another scary milestone myself. Going home to an empty house alone. I haven't done that since 10/12/07. If Jenn wasn't home, at least Blueberry was with me. I would talk to him, we'd have our little mommy and Blueberry bonding time. I was very selfish in that sense. I got to have him with me always.

When Jenn and I email back and forth from work we always ended it with 143=I (one letter) Love (four letters) You(three letters). Once Blueberry came I started ending mine with 243 (We Love You) as I got to have Blueberry with me all of the time. I sent her one this morning with 243 at the end. It hurt. But Blueberry is with both of us all the time now, as a piece of our hearts.

We are so wanting to try again. Neither of us feels that we can really get through the pain unless we have something big and new to focus on. And then at the same time we are scared to death to move forward. When we do get pregnant again how will we ever get through a day without wondering if our baby has left us? Is it possible that from the moment we find out we are pregnant that we could be put in a coma until the baby is obviously moving about so that we can feel it?? No?

Michelle did call Jenn on Monday, and suggests sitting out two cycles, trying again on the third. That's like April in Heidi cycle world. April would have been baby shower season for Blueberry. I need out of this misery now.

And then I feel guilty that I want out of mourning Blueberry. Can he see/feel that I don't want to mourn him any more? Does he know that I love him soooo much that I can't see straight due to the tears? I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he would love some siblings. But he better be willing to share them, I don't want to send him anymore siblings. They must remain here on Earth with Jenn and I first.

Yes, I know that reading this blog lately is a downer. But we're downers right now. We don't go out with people, I don't even talk to my two best friends on the phone. I'm still avoiding life. But alas it must go on.

I'm giving myself until February 7th to remove myself from "the funk", before I get concerned about falling into a real depression vs. just mourning the most difficult loss I've ever faced. We have our follow-up appointments with Dr. Martin that day, me to follow up on the D&E and Jenn's to follow-up from her surgery. I may also try to make that day the one where we meet with Michelle to discuss the goings forth. If I can get a new plan into position, maybe we'll be able to focus on something else.

We'll get there, it's just going to be rough. When we signed up for this TTC (Trying to Conceive) journey we knew that it would be rough. We had no idea it would be this rough.

Updates

I got the results back from my thyroid testing and my gestational diabetes testing! I passed both with flying colors. My TSH (the thyroid) was 3.01 which is the lowest I've had yet!! My glucose was 99, anything under 140 is good!

And, in case you were wondering, my Doppler hasn't come yet. I've moved past minor conniption fit right on to major! (we are going to the DHL facility in the morning to pick it up).

See those of you in Michigan soon!!

13 weeks 6 days-12/19/07

I need to vent about DHL. The Doppler that I ordered has been at the local DHL center since Saturday. Why oh why can't they just put it on a truck and bring it to me? They were here at my work on Monday and Tuesday...is it that hard to put one little two pound box on the truck and walk it in the door with the other packages?

It says out for delivery today, if it doesn't come I may have a minor conniption fit.