Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Back to Reality Sucks.

Jenn had to return to work today. She called me from the parking lot crying that she didn't want to go in, and I totally understand. She has, for the most part, set her emotions aside as a way of trying not to upset me and taking care of me. This is just how she is. Now matter how much time I have spent telling her that I need to see her cry too she just won't/can't do that.

I think this morning she had no choice but to let it out, and I feel terrible because I wasn't even there to comfort her. Thankfully she does not work tomorrow, and neither do I so we can go back to our peaceful life of the last two weeks in which we lay in bed eating Grasshopper Cookies and Oreo's and talk about what we are thinking/feeling.

If she stays at work all day (her boss told her to go home when she couldn't stop crying, she knows Jenn isn't ready to be back yet), then I have to hit another scary milestone myself. Going home to an empty house alone. I haven't done that since 10/12/07. If Jenn wasn't home, at least Blueberry was with me. I would talk to him, we'd have our little mommy and Blueberry bonding time. I was very selfish in that sense. I got to have him with me always.

When Jenn and I email back and forth from work we always ended it with 143=I (one letter) Love (four letters) You(three letters). Once Blueberry came I started ending mine with 243 (We Love You) as I got to have Blueberry with me all of the time. I sent her one this morning with 243 at the end. It hurt. But Blueberry is with both of us all the time now, as a piece of our hearts.

We are so wanting to try again. Neither of us feels that we can really get through the pain unless we have something big and new to focus on. And then at the same time we are scared to death to move forward. When we do get pregnant again how will we ever get through a day without wondering if our baby has left us? Is it possible that from the moment we find out we are pregnant that we could be put in a coma until the baby is obviously moving about so that we can feel it?? No?

Michelle did call Jenn on Monday, and suggests sitting out two cycles, trying again on the third. That's like April in Heidi cycle world. April would have been baby shower season for Blueberry. I need out of this misery now.

And then I feel guilty that I want out of mourning Blueberry. Can he see/feel that I don't want to mourn him any more? Does he know that I love him soooo much that I can't see straight due to the tears? I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he would love some siblings. But he better be willing to share them, I don't want to send him anymore siblings. They must remain here on Earth with Jenn and I first.

Yes, I know that reading this blog lately is a downer. But we're downers right now. We don't go out with people, I don't even talk to my two best friends on the phone. I'm still avoiding life. But alas it must go on.

I'm giving myself until February 7th to remove myself from "the funk", before I get concerned about falling into a real depression vs. just mourning the most difficult loss I've ever faced. We have our follow-up appointments with Dr. Martin that day, me to follow up on the D&E and Jenn's to follow-up from her surgery. I may also try to make that day the one where we meet with Michelle to discuss the goings forth. If I can get a new plan into position, maybe we'll be able to focus on something else.

We'll get there, it's just going to be rough. When we signed up for this TTC (Trying to Conceive) journey we knew that it would be rough. We had no idea it would be this rough.


Merr said...

So sorry you guys! It is sooooo hard and no one can understand unless they have been there. I am still mourning my loss and thinking about what might have been if I hadn't miscarried. It really sucks!

Estee said...

(((hugs))) I really don't think that there is a 'right' or 'wrong' time period for mourning the loss of your special blueberry. You do whatever feels right for you and Jenn. I think you are being amazingly strong. (((hugs)))