Sunday, May 4, 2008

Angry

I guess that is the number one way to describe how we are feeling right now.

We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?

I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.

I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."

I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?

I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.

There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.

10 comments:

j.k-c. said...

You have every right to feel angry. It's just not fair. I hope they find some answers for you.
(((hugs)))

eggdance said...

I'm angry too-- for you and me and all of the women out there who are trying so hard and wanting so much-- I've been thinking about both of you and wishing you peace.

Ahuva Batya said...

I've been thinking about you all weekend, and wishing you strength, both to you and Jenn.

JamieD said...

You ~do~ have every right to be angry. And your angry about the very same things I was/am. Not that I am the standard for normal but I know what it feels like to just be MAD.

You and Jenn are in my thoughts.

B said...

Angry is pretty much how I felt..feel. I hope that they do have answers for you two. You KNOW Jenn isn't dissapointed in YOU. No, I wont hush. That woman loves you, and knows that you want nothing more than to give her a baby..y'alls baby. Love you girls.

Heather said...

you do have a right to be angry. You are right! I hope that there is answers out there for you. Don't give up!

Merr said...

I'm soooo sorry and I so know how you feel. Anger is what i felt most.

KatieM said...

Just ((hugs)). It's all so complex isn't it? But that being said, you have the utmost right to feel however you want to feel about it so no saying "I should feel this way" or "I shouldn't feel that way".

tbean said...

You have been dealt a very shitty hand this year and you have every right to be full of rage.

Thinking of you.

Chris said...

I'm angry for you. I hope there are some answers soon!