Angry

I guess that is the number one way to describe how we are feeling right now.

We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?

I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.

I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."

I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?

I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.

There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.