Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Feeling a little messed with.

The cycle we got pregnant with Blue was going to be our last cycle of Clomid. After all the struggling we had been through, we weren't really sure that we wanted to try injectables at all. And during the two week wait when I came the the conclusion that we were not pregnant, I also came to grips with the fact that a life with just Jenn and I was totally a life worth living. Before that I had felt like I just wouldn't be whole without a child (or 12).

Then we got pregnant and those thoughts just flew out the window. This was it!! We were going to have a baby!!! As I entered into the second trimester we were thrilled...safe sailing for us!

Then the walls crashed in.

I still felt as though just Jenn and I was totally okay...but now we got pregnant, we got into the second trimester!! We can do this!

Imagine my happy bliss at being pregnant on the first try this time?!? It was totally meant to be. The universe was telling us something here. "Don't give up Jenn and Heidi...your dreams are going to be fulfilled!!"

Even as I doubted the pee sticks, even as I doubted the first beta results...I took that more than doubling 2nd beta as a wonderful sign!!

Then the walls crashed in again.

And here we are in limbo. We don't know what to do, or how to feel?? If they find something wrong with me, then we will take that as the sign to move forward, try again. If they cannot, then what? Does that mean that we were being messed with through all of those other signs??

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST READ ME THE DAMN SPOILERS???

5 comments:

B said...

I totally understand this feeling. I don't know how to feel either. I'm scared to try again, and at times really don't want to. How can you not feel messed with? I do. Why let us get pregnant if we're just going to miscarry..how f'd up is that? We're thinking about you two, and I promise to mail your box tomorrow. It's full of fun stuff that K and I picked out especially for you. I hope it makes you smile.

word to your mother(s) said...

I’m de-lurking here. I just wanted to tell you and Jenn that your story has really touched me. I read your blog for the first time a few weeks ago and I felt very emotional about your TTC chronicle. Although I don’t know you in person, nor would I ever profess to understand the complex emotions you are feeling, I just wanted to be another party to state that I believe in you. You and Jenn will be great parents…you will.

I’ll (hold) you in my thoughts until then.

JamieD said...

I wish I could get the spoilers, also. I read so many stories of women who conceived on IVF #5 and I think "Holy crap!! I am only on Femara cycle #3 and I feel like I am losing my mind!!" I just don't know how they handle the ups and downs, the soaring hope and then the crashing disappointment. But if they didn't continue on, they would never have gotten their baby.

I wish I had a crystal ball, so I knew exactly what I would have to endure before I got what I wanted. Wow - this comment is totally in theme with my blog about how selfish I am.

I pray that you and Jenn find peace and the answers you are looking for. I also think you would be wonderful parents and will be one of your many supporters!

Merr said...

I so understand. One day I just want to quit and move on with my life, and the next I won't stop until we have a baby. It is really f'ed up. I'm sorry anyone has to go through this.

R said...

I know it SUCKS ASS!!! I'm sorry. I don't understand why we are given these glimpses of happiness and then it's taken away. I guess it's just some fabulous plan out there that I just don't know about. Sending you positive thoughts!