Friday, March 20, 2009

Taking a break can be good for the soul...and the waistline.

I know, I never actually came out and talked about what is going on in our TTC world. We decided to take a break. My depression hit rock bottom. I wanted to make my head better. Another negative may have honestly put me over the edge. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid to be left alone.

We do plan on starting up here again soon. We had discussed just trying at home for a bit...but with my cranky ovaries, we don't think that is the best plan. We are saving our pennies for another injectable iui or two. After that point, I think we are done. We are happy as a couple. We love each other more than enough. We have Skyler, Austin, Belle, Avery and Delaney to adopt and spoil. I honestly don't feel in my heart that we will have our own child, but I don't want to give up either. Does that make any sense? I don't want to give up because I didn't know that the last cycle was going to be the last cycle. I need another shot!

My head is much better now. I don't feel as lost and alone as I did. I don't feel as dangerous to myself as I did. I feel like Jenn and I are more ourselves. While we were never in a really bad place, we weren't really as together as we could be. That was my fault. I pushed her away. I spent so much time hating myself for killing our children that I couldn't let her look at me. I felt like I let her down. I know that isn't true. I knew it then too...but couldn't get my heart to believe it.

The other really nice thing about our break is the lack of hormones pumping through my body. I had lost a little bit of weight when I was first diagnosed with the hypothyroidism...but it halted. When we went to the doctor to be told that I have pneumonia, I was afraid to hop on the scale. There is a scary weight that I never want to reach, and I was convinced that I had finally hit it.

Imagine my surprise when I got on the scale and had not only not gained weight, but had lost it. Lots of it. I was inspired once I felt better to try on an old pair of jeans. You know the ones you through in the back of your closet because you just can't throw them away? I grabbed a pair on Monday and put them on. Oh my word. They fit!!!!

Last night I did the same thing...I dug a little deeper in the closet for an older pair. They fit too! We went over to Lyz and Chris's and I bragged to everyone that I was on pair two of jeans that didn't used to fit. Joni mentioned that this is when you find that pair of pants that you haven't worn in forever, but haven't thrown them away either because you love them so much.

I got home and pulled my favorite pair of pants out of the depths of my closet. I love them. They are thick kahki's with an almost cargo pants type style. I love the buttons and the pockets, and they always made me feel good because I thought they made my butt look totally awesome. You know that pair of pants you own that just make you feel sexy? Even if they don't look good to everyone feel PERFECT in them!! I hadn't worn them in four years.

They fit. Not only did they fit, but I have room to spare. I cried, and danced and smiled. Jenn said she hasn't seen that smile on my face in forever. It felt so good. I kept showing her my butt. I was all "Look at my butt! It is cute!" Then I kept saying "Hey Jenn? Guess favorite pants fit!!"

I'm a little bit happy. It feels good. A pair of pants has totally found me again. I'm really coming out of my dark closet and it feels good. I like having myself back :)


N said...

I spent so much time hating myself for killing our children that I couldn't let her look at me. I felt like I let her down. I know that isn't true. I knew it then too...but couldn't get my heart to believe it.

God, I know that feeling so well.

So exciting about the pants, though! That's always such a great feeling. :D

Anonymous said...

congrats on getting into your favorite jeans!! :)

i am going to be cheering SO loudly for you as you start ttc again. sounds like you are in a really good place emotionally to get back on the ttc-wagon, and that is so very important.

Mrs. Spit said...


I'll keep hoping and praying for you, you and jen are going to make amazing parents.

Jen said...

I am so sorry that you have been deeply struggling. It does sound like you have a bounce in your step. Congrats on the weight loss! What an amazing feeling to help maintain sanity during the freaking rollercoaster of ttc!!!!

Donna said...

Yeah for happy pants!!!

(and a much better state of mind)

I hope you can hold onto that good feeling that you have found.

Lizzie said...

I'm so glad to hear from you. I had been wondering about where you were with the TTC journey. Congrats on the weight loss, and even more importantly on feeling better and getting to a better place in your relationship. Lots of love and hope for you when you are ready to start again.

JamieD said...

Oh, Heidi. I know that dark place so well. I still mourn the time Hubby & I lost together because I felt so undeserving of his attention and love.

I'm glad to hear your back . . . and in your favorite pants!!

Theresa said...

You are great! I am so happy for you and your pants!

IrishNYC said...

Heidi, I'm so happy you're so happy!

I know exactly what you mean by feeling like you let Jenn down. I felt like such a failure. I know none of it was my fault, but how can you help feeling that way, ya know? But it's not your fault.

tbean said...

It is so good to read this and to hear you sounding and feeling better and stronger. Yay for fitting into those jeans. I hope your next trip on the ttc train takes you straight to parentville. Lots of love.

Betseeee said...

I'm glad you and your pants are having some happy times! It sounds like you're in a much better emotional place now, and I hope that helps make things easier on your journey. The self-hating feelings are understandable, but entirely undeserved, and I hope someday you will know that for real. <3

B said...

AHA HA HAH, you had a cute butt before you could fit into those pants! : ) Congratulations on the weight loss, and wanted you to know i'm so proud of you for working so hard to bring YOU back.

Heather said...

Heidi, I did not know you were hating yourself. I'm sorry that you have so much to fight for and against. It's just not right. I am glad you are feeling better and I will be a giant cheerleader when your TTC starts up again.
Wahoo on fitting into your old pants. That's awesome.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I hope the light stays with you when you start TTC again.

Ellen K. said...

Here from the round-up. IUIs are rough. Really, really rough. Most people I know have had to take a break after a few failed IUIs. They are very draining and uncertain.

I was able to fit into my favorite jeans too after a break. Not sure it'll happen again, but it sure boosted my self-esteem.

Good luck!

Kristin said...

I am thrilled that you are getting to be so happy again. Congrats on getting into those favorite pants.

Hoping and praying the next cycle works for you. You and Jenn are going to be phenomenal parents.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're back but I'm sorry you've been struggling so much.