Taking a break can be good for the soul...and the waistline.

I know, I never actually came out and talked about what is going on in our TTC world. We decided to take a break. My depression hit rock bottom. I wanted to make my head better. Another negative may have honestly put me over the edge. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid to be left alone.

We do plan on starting up here again soon. We had discussed just trying at home for a bit...but with my cranky ovaries, we don't think that is the best plan. We are saving our pennies for another injectable iui or two. After that point, I think we are done. We are happy as a couple. We love each other more than enough. We have Skyler, Austin, Belle, Avery and Delaney to adopt and spoil. I honestly don't feel in my heart that we will have our own child, but I don't want to give up either. Does that make any sense? I don't want to give up because I didn't know that the last cycle was going to be the last cycle. I need another shot!

My head is much better now. I don't feel as lost and alone as I did. I don't feel as dangerous to myself as I did. I feel like Jenn and I are more ourselves. While we were never in a really bad place, we weren't really as together as we could be. That was my fault. I pushed her away. I spent so much time hating myself for killing our children that I couldn't let her look at me. I felt like I let her down. I know that isn't true. I knew it then too...but couldn't get my heart to believe it.

The other really nice thing about our break is the lack of hormones pumping through my body. I had lost a little bit of weight when I was first diagnosed with the hypothyroidism...but it halted. When we went to the doctor to be told that I have pneumonia, I was afraid to hop on the scale. There is a scary weight that I never want to reach, and I was convinced that I had finally hit it.

Imagine my surprise when I got on the scale and had not only not gained weight, but had lost it. Lots of it. I was inspired once I felt better to try on an old pair of jeans. You know the ones you through in the back of your closet because you just can't throw them away? I grabbed a pair on Monday and put them on. Oh my word. They fit!!!!

Last night I did the same thing...I dug a little deeper in the closet for an older pair. They fit too! We went over to Lyz and Chris's and I bragged to everyone that I was on pair two of jeans that didn't used to fit. Joni mentioned that this is when you find that pair of pants that you haven't worn in forever, but haven't thrown them away either because you love them so much.

I got home and pulled my favorite pair of pants out of the depths of my closet. I love them. They are thick kahki's with an almost cargo pants type style. I love the buttons and the pockets, and they always made me feel good because I thought they made my butt look totally awesome. You know that pair of pants you own that just make you feel sexy? Even if they don't look good to everyone else...you feel PERFECT in them!! I hadn't worn them in four years.

They fit. Not only did they fit, but I have room to spare. I cried, and danced and smiled. Jenn said she hasn't seen that smile on my face in forever. It felt so good. I kept showing her my butt. I was all "Look at my butt! It is cute!" Then I kept saying "Hey Jenn? Guess what...my favorite pants fit!!"

I'm a little bit happy. It feels good. A pair of pants has totally found me again. I'm really coming out of my dark closet and it feels good. I like having myself back :)