Saturday, April 25, 2009

When World's Collide

Am I the only one this happens to?

Everyone in my real life knows I blog. When I was pregnant with Blue we mailed out our annual Christmas letter and included the blog address in the letter. I did this because most of our family is not in constant contact with us. My parents are far away, well my whole family is far away. Jenn's parents live close, but that doesn't mean we talk to them every day, or every week even. So the whole start of the blog was so that people could keep tabs on us.

And it isn't just our families that know about this blog. EVERYONE we know in real life knows about the blog. I even advertise the blog on my Facebook page. Friends, old schoolmates, everyone knows this blog exists.

Now this causes a problem. There are times that I want to write about things, but can't, because I worry about who is reading it. Now, those of you reading this who know me in real life...stop freaking out. I am not talking about you if I know you read this blog. Honestly. I promise! And I don't break promises.

But apart the few people that I know read the blog and comment or make comments to me about something I said on the blog, I am sure there are some that read it and don't tell me they read it.

Moral of the story is...something happened in my real world recently that has cracked me a little. I almost said broken me, but it isn't quite that bad. It has been the number two thing on my mind since it happened. Okay, that is over exaggerating. But it is always right at the front of my thoughts. But I can't talk about it. What if the person/people who this is about read this blog and just haven't told me?? Then I go and talk about this thing and they are all upset.

Sigh. This blog has been an outlet for me. I have even written things on here that I couldn't say out loud, but wanted Jenn to know.

The good thing about not being able to talk about this "problem" on here is that the other night I talked to Jenn about some things. When I stopped taking my Prozac in February (because I thought I was all better) physical feelings showed up that I now relate to depression. Earlier this week that feeling came back and I swear I have been taking my Prozac faithfully. I told Jenn. Yes, it took me three days of feeling it to actually open my mouth and tell her, but that is a big step for me. I normally don't tell anyone anything until it has boiled up inside of me so much that I can't function. So there is a step.

Sigh. I wish I could talk to you all. I know you would understand.

10 comments:

Trish said...

This is why I have two blogs. Which is annoying, but keeps me sane.

Mrs. Spit said...

You can always send me an email. . .

N said...

♥ Please always feel free to e-mail me, or PM me on facebook. I always have a willing ear.

journeytowardsourbaby said...

Just wanted to say a huge well done on recognising/sharing your depression feelings - I know just how hard that is to do. A big step alright :) And I hope it helped!

Theresa said...

*hugs* I know what you mean

j.k-c. said...

So glad that you are reaching out and talking with people about the depressed thoughts! Isn't it funny how the feedback of strangers can be more of what we need than the feedback of those that love us IRL? With strangers there is no baggage, no history, no worry about hurt feelings or over burdening.
Have you thought about a password protected post? Then you can know who's reading it. And if someone requests the password who you don't want reading you can let them know it was a private vent. Just an idea.

JamieD said...

I know just what you mean. It is kind of a funny feeling - feeling safer telling internet friends/strangers than IRL friends.

Feel free to email me any time. Thinking of you . . .

Teaberry said...

You can email me! :)

Lollipop Goldstein said...

It is hard when you don't know who is reading. I go under the assumption that anyone could be reading and always ask the person before I blog something.

You could...cough...write a blog post in the forums. You can see on the member list who has access to the forum and while it isn't perfect, it gives you a little space to write and at least know who could see it vs. a public blog where anyone can see it.

E said...

Sweetie u can talk to me or about me anytime u want! :) if it makes u get through depression I will help u talk some shit...lol. JK. I'm always here for u whenever/wherever! Just want u to know that!
Xoxxoxoxoxo