Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Perfecting the art of the meltdown.

I have come to the realization that the closer we get to June 19th, the more of an emotional wreck I (we) become.

Yesterday I managed to have not one, but two meltdowns. One of them was just a mini-meltdown which involved throwing a hissy fit that I am bleeding, again. Seriously, almost two weeks now. Make it stop.

The first one started as I drove home from work. Jenn had beat me there and my lab slips had arrived. I cried because the testing slips being in hand just make it seem all so more real that something is wrong with me that makes me kill our babies.

Boy, they are testing me for everything, which is good. But as I'm Google-ing the tests one of them was for Lupus, and that set me off. I don't know which is the scarier option. Them finding nothing wrong with me, or them finding something horribly wrong with me.

Now, yes, there is a best case scenario. They could find something wrong with me that is simple and easy to fix. But, I lost the optimistic side of me a long time ago, and I just can't see holding on to hope for the good, when there are so many bad options.

I will go on Thursday to have all the of testing done. The letter they sent along with it said it could take 4-6 weeks for the results to come back. Jenn called the office because we don't want to go forward with the next cycle if that is the case, we would rather wait for the results of the testing than risk losing another baby. The office said that we aren't getting the test that takes that long, our results should be back within two weeks. If there is something that comes back funky with them, then we go for the follow up test that takes 4-6 weeks. Dear goodness.


B said...

I'm sorry girl. All kinds of anniversary dates (not the good kind) coming up for people I care about. I'm glad that you and Jenn have each other..and i'm sure you'll get through this with minor scratches and bruises. We're here for you, hope you know that.

Chris said...

Hang in there, Heidi. Lots of hugs for you and Jenn and good luck tomorrow!

JamieD said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you strength and peace . . .

j.k-c. said...

I just wanted to let you know that I have lots of hope for you. I had a friend who had three miscarriges and then had three babies in three years. They are all healthy and happy.
I hope that you get the answers you need.