Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ovarian Drama

Stupid lazy ovaries. We plan to start trying again on my next cycle. Because of that this past cycle I have been faithfully peeing on a variety of sticks, temping, checking my cervical mucus, and other things that I will not admit to the public involving something that I may or may not have stolen from my RE's office. (Dude, they have a lot of my money...one little piece of metal isn't going to be missed.)

You know what all the peeing and checking and temping and stealing got me? Nuffin. Oh sure, there were little glimmers of hope here and there. A temp dip. Darkening lines. Some stretchy cm. Even a few twingies here and there. Um, yeah, it is cycle day 23. No line to be seen. No temp jump. No nothing. Even if for some odd reason my cranky ovaries were to decide to let loose some egglings here in the next few days, it is way too late in my cylce for me to think they were good eggies. Even if I was straight and had spermies available whenever my little heart desired them, I would never have an opps baby. That makes me feel rather good to be honest.

At the same time, it makes me feel like such a failure. Such a fake. My heart and my head desire motherhood so much, but the rest of my body defys me. Even if I could ovulate on my own, my body is cruel and kicks the new little life out. Stupid body. Over a year ago I wrote a letter to my body trying to make peace with it. Couldn't we just get along? Here we are a year later, another dead child later, but still in the same place.

I need to get myself out of this hating myself funk again. I was doing so well for the months that I thought nothing of TTC. (Yes, of course I still thought about it, how can I not. But it wasn't a stressful thought, it was an oh off in the future we will do this kinda thought.) Now that the focus is back on trying again I feel like those damn walls are closing in on me.

I used to have a framed picture of Christ on my bedroom wall growing up. While Christ and I aren't on speaking terms, the words on that picture still very much speak to me.

I didn't say it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

This certainly hasn't been easy. Please let it be worth it.

13 comments:

N said...



Much love, to you, your body, and your ovaries. Peace of any kind is hard, especially so with all this crap.

Lizzie said...

Sending love. Excited that you will be trying again, so sorry about the body not cooperating and the war we can be at with ourselves. Much love and healing, soothing energy. p.s. i'm sure the RE doesn't miss it at all. :)

tbean said...

Thinking of you and sending love. xo

Jen said...

Gosh, so sorry your ovaries are not cooperating this month. It is so hard to be zen and peaceful with everything that is going on. Best of luck. **hugs**

Mrs. Spit said...

Stupid ovaries.

anofferingoflove said...

no worries, i think they are just resting up so they can WOW you next month! im sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed already; be extra good to yourself this month and indulge your body!

oh, and i LOVE that you nabbed a metal goodie from your RE :) i was SO tempted to take one of those pocket dopplars from my OB last week (but i didnt!)

Teaberry said...

Hey.... we are getting ready to start cycle #3 tomorrow... let's be each other's cheerleaders... If it works this time, we can make some kind of crazy pact like, we can take our kids to the Crayola Crayons factory when they're both a year old and the four of us can then sit somewhere and have a celebratory margarita or something, ok?

This Mom said...

Sending you lots of love and hoping you can find some peace during this time. You're right, it isn't easy...but I promise you it is worth it.

Pufferfish said...

My RE's bathrooms are stocked full of pads and tampons. Guess who comes home with some extra goodies? No judgment here!
I hope your ovaries start cooperating. Very frustrating.

Chris said...

Tons of hugs to you Heidi. I promise you that it WILL be worth it someday. <3

Donna said...

I'm just going to say it... ovaries SUCK! They never cooperate when they are supposed to!

halfadozen said...

I am really excited for you, that you will be trying again. I know about cranky ovaries, I've got myself a pair of those too... I often ovulate late (was on CD23 when I got pg with my son) due to my pcos so I know how frustrating it can be.

I have not commented in a long time but have been hiding here in the shadows, hoping to see you TTC again soon. You and Jen will make some baby, kid, and eventual grown up very happy-- you will be such wonderful mums to that little spirit/baby to be.

making peace with our bodies can be so hard, especially when we feel like they have failed us. I hope you can find some peace, and that this cycle marks the beginning of a erally exciting new phase of life...

JamieD said...

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best of things that are totally worth it . . .