Saturday, November 8, 2008

As usual I am angry

Currently at myself. It's the PIO shots. They are killing me. Starting at about 8pm I become tense and weapy. Once I'm actually in bed laying down on my belly, it just gets worse. I start to bawl. First because I am scared. The needles scare the crap out of me. Jenn won't stick me until I say ready. I start screaming if she comes near me with the alcohol pad.

Then I start crying because I should want these shots. I should be so happy that they exisist so that I can sustain a pregnancy. Why am I such a wuss? Why do I feel that it is right to complain about something that is going to help me get what I want? The other night I called Lyz to talk to me while Jenn did it to try and distract me. Last night I couldn't call her because I didn't want to make a fool out of my bawling and blubbering self.

Then I cry even harder once the needle is in. It hurts. It hurts so much. Then for kicks and giggles it hurts even after it is all done.

All of this, and I am 99.7% sure I am not pregnant. We got ourselves all fooled and excited the other night with the world's prettiest evap line. But, it isn't meant to be yet again.

We will try one more time. It will be the last. Maybe we will try to save up for IVF after that, but for now the financial and emotional burden is too great.

5 comments:

scarredbellybutton said...

Needles scare the crap out of me too. Have you tried Emla cream? That is what got me through IVF, all the injections and blood tests.

vee said...

I've never had PIO and I don't mind needles, but you have and you do and you're hating it. Hugs. There's no reason you should be brave or happy to have to undergo this crap. What you want is a baby, not an arse full of needle holes.

Things I've heard from others about PIO that have helped them - warm the oil a little before injection. Massage the area afterwards to help it disburse. And of course the numbing cream Scarredbellybutton mentioned.

They sound bloody horrible.

But evap lines? Hmm - not sure they really exist, so I'm hopeful for you, even if you can't feel hopeful for yourself right now.

IrishNYC said...

Oh Heidi, I'm so sorry this sucks so much. I just hold on to the hope that this does the trick for you.

Ninefirefly said...

Oh honey. I'm sorry. I hope that it wasn't an evap line and that this is the last time you will have to deal with sucky needles.

JamieD said...

I am so, so sorry for all the pain and grief you are going through. We so desperately ~want~ to be mothers . . . that should be enough.

((((HUGS))))