As usual I am angry

Currently at myself. It's the PIO shots. They are killing me. Starting at about 8pm I become tense and weapy. Once I'm actually in bed laying down on my belly, it just gets worse. I start to bawl. First because I am scared. The needles scare the crap out of me. Jenn won't stick me until I say ready. I start screaming if she comes near me with the alcohol pad.

Then I start crying because I should want these shots. I should be so happy that they exisist so that I can sustain a pregnancy. Why am I such a wuss? Why do I feel that it is right to complain about something that is going to help me get what I want? The other night I called Lyz to talk to me while Jenn did it to try and distract me. Last night I couldn't call her because I didn't want to make a fool out of my bawling and blubbering self.

Then I cry even harder once the needle is in. It hurts. It hurts so much. Then for kicks and giggles it hurts even after it is all done.

All of this, and I am 99.7% sure I am not pregnant. We got ourselves all fooled and excited the other night with the world's prettiest evap line. But, it isn't meant to be yet again.

We will try one more time. It will be the last. Maybe we will try to save up for IVF after that, but for now the financial and emotional burden is too great.

Election results followed by My fear of needles.

I was touched last night when an African-American gentleman said that "Now I can look my children in the eye and tell them that yes, they can be anything they want to be."

I heard it again this morning and I realize that statement is wrong. What if one of his children is gay? Then they can't be the one thing I want to be...married (and no, I don't really care what they call it, marriage should be something a church offers you, find a new word for the way the government to recognize as "marriage") . I hope that one of the changes our new President-to-be brings, is a way for me to be able to visit Jenn in the hospital, without bringing my huge folder of legal mumbo-jumbo with me.

This morning Jenn and I hopped in the car to go learn how to give me the PIO-Progesterone-In-Oil (did you know the oil is sesame oil...I didn't) injections. We got a bit down the block and realized it would be quite smart if we drove back home and grabbed the bag of drugs and needles and brought them with us!!

What We Learned Today:
1-My progesterone was 14.7. I was just a hair short of getting away without the PIO, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.
2-I still have to do the suppositories...eww.
3-As Sue (the lab manager/nurse) pulled my needles out of my bag I gasped at how long they were...her response "Hmmmm, these aren't as long as they are supposed to be." Ekke.
4-I now have to blue circles on my buns, to give Jenn target practice for the first few injections.
5-Putting the needle in didn't hurt as bad as I had been imagining.
6-Jenn has to use both thumbs to inject the PIO into me.
7-The above hurts a bit...still not as bad as I thought it would.
8-Taking the needle out hurt a bit, because Jenn was used to much shorter needles.
9-We are going to need to empty our sharps container soon.
10-It hurts more after the shot is done.
11-I should be looking forward to some spectacular bruising...and yes, I will be sharing pictures.


I think the other realization that I came to this morning is that I am really bothered that the one thing I could do, and do well, has now failed. I don't ovulate on my own. I don't have regular cycles. I don't keep babies in for their prescribed 40 weeks. But my progesterone has always been stellar. Not anymore. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does.

Please vote...and then tell me that progesterone shots don't hurt!!

Vote. I'm not all major political, and I am not going to express my political opinions here in the blog (although I'm sure you could figure them out on your own, or check the twitter lol). But vote. Just do it. Pick someone to vote for because you believe in them, and you think they will make our country a better place.

And...this morning I had my progesterone and ovary check. Passed the ovary check, doctor said nothing promising or negative. We came home I figured that was that.

Remember how excited I was to be done with shots? I've NEVER had a progesterone problem. Never. So, of course now I do. I have to go pick up my prescription for progesterone shots, and go tomorrow morning to get lessons for Jenn to shoot me in the rear.

Yipee. Tell me it doesn't hurt please. Even if you have to lie.

(ps, for the last two days I have been all gaggy and my boobs have been beyond sore. Here I've been blaming it on all the progesterone running through my system. Yet, I have low progesterone?? Weird.)

I can't breathe.

I did great this morning...I was blowing sunshine and rainbows out my rear after the appointment. And right up until they called me with the instructions.

Got poked. Then went for the ultrasound. Right ovary is officially out of the game.

Left had 7 measurable. 12, 13.1, 13.2, 14.6, 17.3, 18.5. Ultrasound tech even said out loud to me "Looks like you may be triggering tonight". I thanked her as that is the first real hint of a clue anyone has given me this cycle. They've all just been telling me what I need to know, and not giving any further information.

Then I waited for the phone call.

Amy the awesome lab tech says Yeah!!! You're ready to go. Trigger tonight around 9pm, IUI Monday and Tuesday.

What? I thought it was 12 and 36 hours post trigger, not 36 and 58 hours post trigger?

Nope, not with injectables they said. And since I have no prior experience with injectables except for Lyz (who did manage to get pregnant that cycle) who went to the same doctor and was told the same thing, I have to just accept it.

Anyone got any advice? Is this right?

(silver lining, only one shot tonight, then my poor skin is off duty for a month...hopefully more)

I may be getting a little tired of this roller coaster.

So, another round of bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. In which the ultrasound tech (who has zero personality I might add) says:

"You are polycystic, even if the doctors haven't told you that, you are"

Oh. Well then, why am I not on metformin????????????

Right ovary-2 little ones 9ish
Left ovary-6 follies measuring--11, 12.4, 12.6, 13, 14.2, 10.

I begin to panic. So, my right ovary died, and the other side barely grew?? And I'm polycystic (which I until I started going to this doctor I had assumed-because of facial hair, skin tags, irregular periods, overweight, etc.etc., but they say no.)

I proceed to freak out on Jenn in the car on the way home. I owe her a public apology for that. Sorry that you are my punching bag. I don't mean to do it, but well, you're typically the only person around me when I freak so you get the brunt of it. I will try to do better.

I wait and wait and wait for my instructions phone call. Totally not what I expected. Continue at the same doesages tonight. I am to come in tomorrow morning for yet another round of bloodwork and ultrasound. Why so soon, I asked? Well, the follicles on Tuesday really weren't worth measuring, and now you have a lot that have taken the lead, so we want to see how they are tomorrow. There are lots of them you know. Too many??????? No, not nessesarily too many, just lots, so we want to see what is going on with them in the morning. She sure used the words a lot, a lot, for it to not be too many.

I'm praying, hoping, wishing that this is because they are worried that they will grow too big by Monday, so they want to figure out if I should be doing the trigger shot over the weekend. And not that I have too many follicles and they want to cancel me. Michelle said 5 was her limit.

Wait. It just hit me that they don't run bloodwork on the weekends. Crap. Now I've got a whole other thing to worry about.

My Dr's Appointment

Why when it's Dr. Blah does he always run soooo far behind. Normally I wouldn't mind, but today we had a lunch date.

Anywho...three good follies on the right and two good follies on the left...and a bunch of smaller ones. By good I mean 8ish.

I am to keep with 5 units of Lupron and 125 units of Follistim, and go back for another round of bloodwork and ultrasound on Friday morning (my boss is soooo going to love me).

I have written a second half to this post about 30 times over the last 4 hours. I am very upset about something. Someone has hurt a very close friend of mine and I am so irate that I don't know what to do. I've written mean things here, I've written sarcastic things here. But I really don't think it is right to stoop to the level of the offender. I know she reads this. I hope she knows how damn disappointed in her.

Football and Guest Appearances

Yesterday we headed out to watch Belle and Austin's football games. Why we waited until the coldest Saturday to do it, I don't know. We went armed with a full thermos of hot cocoa and heavy sweatshirts.

Austin plays for the C squad. He is really good! In the pictures Austin is number 44 and he has a red long sleeve shirt under his jersey and white shoes, that way we can pick him out!!

Waiting to get announced:


Getting ready to kick off:


They won!!!!!

Belle's game was cute. She plays flag football and from them reading the names off, I'm pretty sure she is the only girl on the team!

It had gotten dark, so the pictures aren't all that great-you can see her in this one, and I'm sharing even though it isn't an action shot. She's wearing black and pink:


After the games we headed to Lyz and Chris's (they live half a block away from the football fields) to steal some warmth from their fire (and get our teasing since Penn State-Chris's team beat Michigan). It was time to do my shot and Chris wanted the opportunity.

I of course made sure pictures were taken. So Dad...you might want to stop reading here.

Drawing up the Lupron:


Injecting Lupron (check out Avery, I was holding her hand and had to keep reminding myself not to squeeze too hard!)


Injecting the Follistim:


Thanks Chris!

Why my wife is a freak (but I still love her) and my bloodwork results.

So Chris had to head back to work today. He called Jenn last night to see if she would go over to their house today to watch his two girls...of course she would!!

That doesn't make her a freak...what she did while she was there makes her a freak.





She organized their pantry. Chris told her she is welcome over to babysit anytime...their fridge could use some attention.

Freak. My favorite little freak...how I love her.


And now on to the world of ttc...

I did great with the positive thinking. I chanted low numbers, low numbers, low numbers as I fell asleep. But then I melted down slowly at work today. I shook because I was cold but was dripping sweat...I felt very much like the whole world was slowly stopping its spin. Time stopped.

At 2:13pm my phone finally rang. Sue, the lab manager, was on the other end, and she didn't sound like she was going to give me good news. This is the conversation:

Sue: Is this Heidi?
Me: yes.
S: This is Sue at "the place I go".
M: uh huh
S: I have your instructions.
M: okay (with the quiveriest voice ever)
S: Tonight you will lower the Lupron to 5 units, and add 125 units of Follistim, then come into the office at noon on Tuesday for bloodwork and an ultrasound.
M: um....that means my numbers went down???
S: well they went down to 64, but the doctor said that was good enough for him.
M: I love it when you call me with good news Sue!
S: My pleasure.

It went on from there, but the moral of the story is MY NUMBERS WENT DOWN!!!! Tonight Jenn will get to give me two shots, one in the leg and one in the belly. Then I can panic again on Tuesday. Wait, no, I just got a text with instructions for my head: ...you can't think about the past it can consume you. Think of each day and what is going on at that moment.

I can't make any promises, but I'm going to try.

That Acupuncture stuff....

is da bomb.

Oh holy needles, how I bow down to you and accept your divine intuition.

Ladies (and gentleman), I slept last night. SLEPT. Without the aid of drugs, or being so tired that I simply passed out, or crying myself to a fitful rest. I slept. Drooled even. Like I woke up this morning looked into the mirror and saw white crusty bits on the corner of my mouth.

The actual session itself was very relaxing. I believe this is first and foremost because he welcomed Jenn into the room with me. Me, needles and a man alone in the room is not a good combination. I don't like men, they scare me and I become an awful, horrible, tense bundle of nerves. But Jenn was there to protect me.

He asked me a bazillion questions about my feelings and my body. And a bazillion is not over exaggerating. Then I hopped up on the table and laid on my back. He took my pulses, and not how western medicine (new words for my vocabulary) does. Then I stripped off my top half of clothing and laid face down on the table to await my torture.

Only, it wasn't torture. It was sublime. He poked around at my blah blahs feeling for my qi (pronounced cheeeee) and then he'd have me take a deep breath in, breathe out and poof...needle in.

There were a couple that hurt the teeniest amount, but he quickly readjusted them. He came back 15 minutes later took my pulses again and removed and added a few needles. Left for another 15 minutes and took them all out. He told me to be careful getting up as I am very relaxed. I didn't listen. The room swam around a bit so Jenn helped steady me.

This was at 6pm. At 10pm last night I was still in my happy zen state of mind. And honestly, I still feel it this morning. I feel less tension, I don't feel that awful pain in the base of my neck telling me that my neck/back/spine/head are so tense I'm going to snap.

I have decided to believe in acupuncture. After all, I've got to start thinking miracles sometime.