What might have been.

This week really started the what might have beens for me. When we first found out that we were pregnant with Blue I counted in my head how far along I would be at the end of March. I figured 27 weeks is great, I'll have a noticeable belly and all the lil ole ladies at the quilt show will love it! They always ask me "When are you and Jenn gonna have kids??" Sigh.

Last year during the quilt show I helped one of the vendors get an emergency flight home because her husband was dying and she wanted to see him before he passed. She found me on Tuesday and thanked me for my help. I told her that I would have done anything for her in that situation. She didn't make it home in time. He passed away two hours before her flight landed. I told her I was sorry and was a little teary for her. She asked me "Heidi, when are you gonna have babies." Since I was already a little teary for her, the tears just fell right out for me too. I was honest. I told her that I had a beautiful son who was born too soon in January. She held my hand. Then she went and spread the word. I shouldn't have told her. I don't think a single vendor has not come up to hug me, to give their love to Jenn and I, or threaten us not to quit. They all expect happy stories next year.

Me too.

Totally Random

While we were in Florida the batteries inside of Jenn's electric toothbrush died. She didn't want to spend money to buy new batteries, or even a new electric toothbrush. (She was pouty, it was sunburn day, and she's odd, I have no other explanation.) She bought a cheap $.79 non-electric toothbrush.

It hit me yesterday that if she was so worried about not spending money on batteries or a new toothbrush, why didn't she just brush her teeth with the electric toothbrush and do the motions herself??

(Her answer in case you are curious is that it just wouldn't work as well that way. I didn't ask her to elaborate that though, I was too busy laughing-with her....not at her....okay, at her.)

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I'm having a bad week. Between extra life stresses that have been thrown at us this week (well heck, when aren't they anymore??), it's the most stressful week of the year at the hotel. I haven't worked a day less that 11 hours this week, my feet are killing me, oh, and I'm on Clomid. So needless to say I'm either a bawling mess, or sore and crabby and sweating so bad that someone tried to corral me into their sty yesterday.

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Last week I decided to follow Mel's advice and not only read other people's blog (I am such a voyeur), but make sure I am supporting them. I have about 70 blogs that I read on a consistent basis. I decided that I would write a comment for each blog I read. Thankfully not all 70 update at the same time. I also made sure to send support to as many blogs as I could from the Lost and Found each day. Now some days I did great and got my support out to all of my blogs, and most of the Lost and Found.

Then Tuesday came. I haven't commented on a single blog (I lie, I commented on one that truly moved me) I apologize to my dear blog friends out there. It's just a rough spot. I'll be back trying to spread the love again. I am normally quite the optimist. Like to the point of obnoxiousness. But I tell you, this year is killing me!

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(I started with a funny, and I want to end with a funny, so follow me back to Florida)

We have stayed in the same hotel for 4 years now. We pass a billboard every year that has always made me giggle. It's for a dentist. He's holding a chicken. Chickens don't have teeth right? But the billboard says "We treat chickens too."

For 4 years I have driven past that sign and giggled at the irony that chickens don't have teeth but they say they treat them.

This year it hit me. They don't mean chickens the bird. They mean human chickens. Boy, I can be dense sometimes.

EEKKEE

Called the Fertility Center this morning. It's always weird announcing your period.

HI!! This is Heidi Lastname calling. I wanted to scream from the rooftops that today is cycle day 3!!! (Of course it was Jamie who answered the phone, who I don't like, but only because the first time I ever talked to her she was the bearer of bad news...I should probably get over that)

Moral of the story, start the clomid today. Go in for an ultrasound Thursday, April 3, 12 noon.

Eekkee.

I make little rules for myself. Like, the clomid gets taken at 9:30 each morning. It is 9:29 right now. So I took the little white pills out of their blister pack and they are sitting on the desk in front of me, next to my 9am-11am bottle of water. Waiting....waiting....okay. 9:30am.

{pause while my shaky hands deliver the two pills to my mouth. Guzzle water}

Pills have been swallowed. It is official. We are on the TTC train again. No more caffeine. No more late nights partying (ha!! I'm too old for late nights anyhow), no more crack, no more anything that I have ever read about in a study that might be harmful to pregnancy.

Eekkee. No wait. I'll take after one of my "idols" I won't worry about it today. I'll worry about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Tag-I'm it!

I was tagged by Sara at the egg dance

The Six Word Memoir rules are:

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post.
4. Tag six more blogs with links.
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Okay. I did a lot of thinking and here is my answer...

Dreaming of babies, and Martha Stewart.

I tried to find a way to incorporate flamingos, but I don't need to dream about them, they are all over my house!!

I tag....
Isn't it Pretty to Think So?
and
Kim at Mommies to 3 Flowers

Jenn says she'll think about hers!!

I've got relatives in town this holiday weekend!

Aunt Flo arrived this morning!

Let the hyperventilating begin!

All Gone!!!!!

What's all gone you might ask?? Why two things.

First, three minutes ago I swallowed my last birth control pill. I should have renamed it "cycle" control pills. Either way, they are gone, now I just wait for Flo to show!!

Second, my hair. 13.5 inches donated to Locks of Love, and another few inches lost in making it all even. I got some layers cut in, and I like it. Well, I like it as much as I can after seeing my beautiful hair disappear!! For your enjoyment...pictures!

Before: (I was getting my nails done while Jenn took the picture)



After: From the back!



After: From the front (It is a little flat due to the loverly weather we are having!



It is so light, and then my back was cold cause there was no hair covering it!! (that sounded bad lol)

Now I just have to try not to waste the gallon of shampoo tomorrow while washing it!!!

The Innocence of Children. Or, I wish I had the answer sweetie.

On Thursday night we saw Skyler, Austin and Annabelle for the first time since the night we told them they were going to be "cousins". Elissa had already filled them in that we lost Blueberry, but this is the first time we've seen them.

When we got to the field (it was the coaches meeting for Annabelle's softball team, Jenn is Elissa's assistant.) Jenn got right out and went to say hi to Austin and Annabelle (Skyler was trying out for the travel baseball team). I stayed in my car and chatted with Elissa. Jenn and Belle came walking over and Jenn told her "It's okay, you can ask."

"Heidi," said Belle, "why did your baby die?"

This is something she has been asking Elissa a lot. When she asked Jenn, Jenn responded "I don't know." Belle said "that's okay, I'll ask Heidi."

I told her the same thing. I don't know. I wish I did know. She asked if we were going to have another one and I told her we are going to try. She liked that answer and ran off. Elissa said that Belle really wants there to be a baby, so she thinks that if Jenn and I don't have one, that Elissa should.

After she ran off Jenn asked if I was okay. I was a little teary, but I love that she wants to know, and I hate that I can't tell her. I hate that I can't tell myself or Jenn or anyone that wants to know.

Birth control pill packs come in packs of 28. Four rows of 7.

The first row of 7 I partied each night doing a countdown...27...26...25...24...23...22...21...

The second row of 7 I was quiet about it. Swallowed each pill dutifully. I even stopped complaining about them giving me the poops.

I'm in the third row. The fourth row doesn't really mean anything, they are just sugar pills, meant to help those actually using them for birth control to keep on track, so I don't need those ones.

There are now only 4 pills left, and each night when I swallow one, I start to panic a little bit. I'm nervous. I'm kinda afraid to get pregnant again. Which I am hope is totally normal. I'm not saying I don't want to be pregnant, or even that I don't want to try. I'm just afraid to be pregnant. My poor doctors office will have to let me in everyday to check the baby's heartbeat (or babies if you follow Jenn's dreams and believe that this will be twin girls). I'm afraid to tell everyone until I can't hide it with clothes anymore. But I'm not going to stop blogging, so anyone who reads this will know when it happens. And I'll have to tell everyone that doesn't read this so that they hear it from me, and not through the grapevine. I want a new baby(ies he he) to be as celebrated as Blueberry is, so everyone is going to know. I just hope I don't have to untell everyone again.

We've got a little wager going between Jenn and I. She thinks that now that we know how my body works, we'll get pregnant first shot. I know my luck, that ain't gonna happen. I say at least the second try. I also know my body. I've been told that Aunt Flo should show up 2 or 3 days after the pills run out. So, I translate that to my body to mean at least a week, if not two!!

Anywho, I must be off to Skyler's birthday party. We'll be playing lazer tag and watching a lazer light show. And by we'll I mean that I will be helping Elissa hold down the fort and take pictures!!

I will smile all day...

...because of this. (Click on the word this momma!!)

I would pay to see each one if they split it into 50 movies...just so it would never end.

Things that are irritating me on this fine Wednesday morning.

Presented to you with bullets.

• People who refer to their MasterCard as MasterCharge.
  
• While we are at it, yet I haven't heard this today: People who refer to their Discover card as a Discovery card.
• Applicants who don't bring a pen.
• Applicants who do bring their three screaming children, and two friends.
• Applicants who continue to scream at the aforementioned three screaming children. Didn't they bring the friends to be babysitters?
• The hole in my lip that just caused me to spill a whole precious ounce of my once weekly 12-ounce chai-tea.
• People who tell me "I'm in your system" and when I respond "we got a new system a few months ago so we no longer have your information" still don't understand why I don't have their address memorized since they stayed here once 8 years ago.
• I came to the realization last night that I will taking my Clomid during the Quilt Show. The Quilt Show is hands down the busiest week of the year at the hotel, and the most stressful. I already sweat buckets while delivering the 8 million packages that come via UPS and FedEx each day. Now I'm gonna be adding the wonderful Clomid-crazies on top of it all!
• My resolve not to take any medicines that aren't 100% medically necessary (for example Advil). I have a killer headache and would love some right now.

I think that concludes my list for now. I will be back later with updates if needed.

It's the 11th again.

It seems that the 11th of a month will always be something to do with Blueberry. I started my period September 11th, I got my first positive pregnancy test October 11th, he was "born" January 11th. Today, March 11th he was buried.

He was buried in a casket with all of the other babies who were born too soon since January 9th. It was a beautiful service, and there were 14 other families besides us. We took some flowers for him, blue and gold carnations. During the service the chaplain asked each family to put a rose in a vase to commemorate the births of our babies, then they gave us each a matching rose to take home.

Please never let me have to see another casket that small.

Thanks Mom!

I "worked" eight hours today. Let me break that down for you.

Hours I actually did what I am paid to do: 0.75
Hours I spent working on homework: 1.25
Hours spent playing with my mom's Webkinz: 6

And on the Baby Making Front...

All of our ducks are in a row. In a line??? No, it's in a row right? Whichever...we are ready.

Clomid...check
Ovidrel...check
Specimen...being shipped as we speak!
Weightloss...slowly but surely. We are Sweating to the Oldies five nights a week!

Nine more birth control pills to go!

Weather Woes

Saturday night I head home from work amongst sun and blue skies. I think to myself "what a beautiful night it is going to be." Get home and whine to Jenn that someone is grilling outside and it smells simply delicious! Walk upstairs to change into my pjs and hear this strange noise...like a train running through the back yard and then "fwhoomp". You know that sound that the power makes when it goes out and won't be back on for awhile? The fwhoomp is followed by serious whining from Jenn. The wind outside had gone from zero to flying lawn chairs in 2 seconds flat. I went outside just to see the sky and was whacked in the stomach by a piece of flying roof shingle. My hoodie hood went flying back with such force that it caused me to choke a little. I could barely stand in place--picture a V-8 commercial.

Jenn was in total freak out mode. She hates bad weather. Hates may not actually be a strong enough word. The emergency power outage box is sitting on the coffee table as I walk back inside. (Someday I'm going to share all of Jenn's emergency boxes with you, they are fun!!) Candles are lit, flashlights are tested and I begin to whine. See, power outages are the only times I can get her to sit still long enough to play my favorite games. She's always up for regular card games, poker, rummy etc. But ask her to play Uno or Life and she melts away.

Several games of Uno later we realized that our fingers were too cold to hold the cards anymore (we had long ago given up on telling the difference between blue and green by candlelight). I keep our heat at 58 degrees. Just warm enough that I know the pets won't become pet-cicles. Jenn whines she's cold, I throw another blanket at her. Well, when you have no power for several hours, that 58 degrees falls quickly. It got down to 46 in our house. Outside it was 42. We quit game playing and ran for the bed with two comforters to keep us warm. Needless to say about 8 minutes after crawling into be the power came back on. I could have kept playing Uno!!!!!!

Someone was jealous of Jenn and I going to the doctor.

So Thursday night Jenn says aloud to the house "Bedtime". This means that Minnesota (our dog, aka Minne pronounced Mini) and Michigan (our cat aka Igan--pronounced Eeegan) must run around and chase each other because they have to expel their extra energy. The go flying into the dining room and we hear a loud yelp from Minne who comes racing back into the living room on three legs. Now this isn't uncommon. She is part German Shepard and will quite often pop out her knee or her hip.

But when we started to rub her down it didn't appear that either was out of place. Minne is the kind of dog who will only yelp once, and would not even flinch if we were to cut her toes off one by one. Loyalty I guess? So we decide to wait over night and see how she is doing in the morning.

Friday morning she is still being a three legged dog. Call the vet and get an appointment. Take her in and he begins to pinch, poke and prod every inch of her leg. No flinching, no yelping, no nothing. He determines that nothing is broken, his diagnosis is a torn ACL.

If it is only torn partially, it should heal itself in a few weeks. If it is a total tear, she would need surgery to repair it. This cannot be a total tear. She's old and I can't have her going through six months of miserable recovery that will only wear out her other hip and leg. He gave her a cortisone shot and some anti-inflammatory pills and sent us home with instructions of no stairs while unassisted.

She already seems to be doing much better. She will put some pressure on her leg, like just putting her toes down. And yesterday she was following us around the house, where as Friday she just whined huge fits if you left the room. So we have our fingers crossed that she recovers on her own. She has to, the surgery will only do her more harm, and neither of us want to put her through surgery, or a lifetime of pain, that isn't fair to her. But we don't want to make the other decision either.

If it ain't one uterus, it's another.

Jenn had surgery on January 15th that gave her a 72% chance of never having a period again. February 19th, she got her period. It lasted until yesterday. And I can even tell you why it stopped, well duh, because we had a doctor's appointment for today about it.

All in all the doctor says we actually have to wait six months to determine the results of the surgery. This could just be her body getting used to the new way.

Or, it could be because Jenn has an infection in her uterus. Oh fun! (on a related note, those funky cervical cells came back fine with additional testing).

Or, it could be because Jenn is part of the 28% who went through this surgery for no reason.

So moral of the story is, she's on antibiotics, and we are waiting the six months to see what happens, after that...hysterectomy here Jenn comes!

To my dear Anonymous Friend

What you wrote is both true and false:

"I know you hate me writing these comments, but your best friend in life tells you the MOST truth! "

True--my best friend in life does tell me the most truth-Jenn is awesome at that! She doesn't even hesitate to tell me when my jeans do make me look fat! Thank you for pointing that out!

False--I do not hate you writing these comments, I actually find them very interesting. I grew up with a very religious background and love all things religion!! I'm taking a class in school this fall to learn even more. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me about your religion. Reading from your many comments I see that you must be an explicit follower of the bible, and I'd like to remind you that your God asked you not to judge people, so please keep such judgmental comments off my blog. I will gladly publish your comments if you decide to tell me who you are! But Anonymous comments from people other than my mother, are not welcome! Yelling things to me about things I do not believe aren't going to get you any further in heaven, nor will they get me any further into your hell :)

Thank you again for your many comments, I'd love to share more of them with my readers when you are ready to come out of your closet!

Went to a support group last night...

Monday morning I got a cryptic text "Tomorrow is the first Tuesday of the month"

I answered back "I'm not sure what to do with that information"

This resulted in texting all day Monday and most of Tuesday about if Jenn, Lyz and I wanted to go to a Share support group meeting. Monday afternoon it was determined that we would all assume we are going, until someone said no I'm not, and we could all change our mind up to 6:29pm Tuesday (the meeting started at 6:30.)

I never thought I would be the kind of person who went to a support group. I am way too shy to share my story and cry in front of strangers. But peer pressure won, as usual, and I went.

At first I was excited, there was only the three of us, the group leader and three other girls. I got less and less excited as the room filled and there ended up being 14 or 15 people.

I was to shy to share our story, Jenn had to share it for us. In fact I spent the first 20 minutes or so with my hands over my mouth shaking uncontrollably. I had my friend, the water bottle, sitting in front of me and all I could think was "Everyone in this room can see the water in this bottle splashing about because I am shaking so bad." Even though I know that everyone was in their own personal hell and could care less about my water bottle.

Lyz was the first in our threesome to talk (not including introductions). I honestly don't even remember what she said, isn't that awful? I think she was sharing her fear of the pregnant belly. There was a girl who is approaching her due date and Lyz wanted her to know that for Lyz at least, after the due date things get a little easier.

Jenn spoke up after everyone was talking about how the husbands don't seem to care, or are over it. Jenn wanted everyone to know that it is probably not the case. They have to go to work and instead of everyone saying "how are you?" they say "how's the wife?" They have to take a back seat if they like it or not. Men (and Jenn) see it as their role to be the supporter, and that they can't break down or show their hurt because the woman is hurting too much, and they might make that worse. Almost every single woman there came up to Jenn and thanked her for being there and sharing that with them. It made me beam with pride.

I did talk, and again I don't remember what about. I know the first time I opened my mouth both Jenn and Lyz did too in that gaping "Oh my goodness she's speaking" kinda way.

The meetings "end" at 8pm, so that it gives people an escape, but they do encourage you to keep talking to each other if you feel you need support or have support to give. I was filling out a newsletter sign-up sheet and this one girl, couldn't have been 21, was bawling in the corner. I got up and put my arm around her. I asked her if she needed a hug. She nodded and I just held her and let her go for awhile. I felt so bad for her. I whispered in her ear that she was too young to know such pain. I gave her my phone number and let her know that she could call me if ever she needed to talk, or even just a shoulder to silently cry on. I don't think she said a word during the entire meeting, and she just looked so alone. To me, this interaction was more helpful than any other part of the meeting.

At 3am I had a long conversation with myself about how gambling can never really be illegal. Life is nothing but gambling, we don't know the outcome we just jump in and hope and pray for the outcome we desire, the one with the big payoff. It was mentioned that over 100 children are born still at our local hospital every year. I don't think that's the nicest statistic to share with a room full of women who have suffered miscarriages and still births. It kinda freaks me out. So last night at 3am I thought about if the gamble is worth it...either we will lose it all, or we will get the biggest payoff in the world. I am truly hoping for the latter.

Dr. Jenn says I am getting better.

I painted my nails. I haven't done this since sitting at my mom's dining room table at Christmastime. So, I guess I'm making some improvements!