15 million swimmers have been released.

First, Hi Lyz's friend Beth!! Thanks for stopping by!

The IUI was done this morning. As usual Dr. F was a freak. I don't want to share what he said to freak me out this time because, well, it's gross, and I know I have a couple of male readers that really don't want to hear what he said.

We did get to meet the other half of our future child today! Amy (the awesome lap tech) brought us back to check out good ole' 884's swimmers under the microscope. Totally cool. Well, a little creepy too, but totally cool!

It is weird to think that in two hours the swimmers will be dead. In two hours I will either be pregnant or not, but I don't get to know the answer until the 13th. Sigh. Yet again I say I will not pee on a stick until the day of the blood test...and yet again I doubt that will actually happen. This time even Jenn and Lyz laughed when I said it and promised that they'd have me peeing on a stick by the end of next week.

Now, this is where I show a little of the real me. I always wanted to be a bad girl. I can't really be one, it just isn't in me. But a little bit of the bad Heidi showed up last night.

When I was little my dad told me the story of Orion, you know the constellation, and I loved it. My dog growing up was even named after the great hunter. I would sit in my backyard late at night, without my parents knowing I was out of bed, and lay on our picnic table and tell Orion all of my secrets. From silly teenage angst stuff to real problems I had going on in my head. I still talk to him, quite a bit. And this may sound strange, but I get really upset when he's not in the sky. He wasn't there in January when I needed to share things with him the most. I became angry at him, and Jenn can testify the night I started screaming at the sky in the middle of the night because I was angry that he wasn't there when I needed him.

Then I felt guilty. Yes, I felt guilty for yelling at a constellation, a bunch of stars in the sky. I still kinda am angry that he isn't always there. Well, now I have a part of him with me always. Last night, as it may be the last night that I can do this, I got a part of him tattooed on me.

Here is Jen the tattoo artist doing the tattoo (we met her at Pride on Saturday)


And here is the finished product:


On my ring finger you can see a date. It is the date that Jenn and I exchanged vows. I can very often be caught without my rings on (I don't sleep with them, and sometimes I am not awake enough in the morning to remember to put them on) so now my ring finger will never be really naked. The date is 1-11-03. 1-11-08 is the day that Blue was born, so the date is important to me for two huge reasons.

With my other two tattoo's (but not Blue's, I love his) I had immediate regret. I did with the stars too. Last night I was moaning and complaining about how big they are, which is bigger than I imagined them to be. But this morning I woke up and looked at them with a huge smile on my face. Orion will be with me always. I felt kinda rock star-esque. I put on my ratty denim crops and a tee-shirt with a skull on it and headed out for the IUI. I felt great. And as I have not been feeling all that great lately, very not Heidi for quite awhile, it was very nice to have that swing in my step again!

Now of course Jenn was not left out. After we lost Blue her theme song became Stronger. Now while all the lyrics don't apply "That that don't kill me can only make me stronger" certainly did. When I started talking about getting another tattoo she started to contemplate what she wanted, cause it just wouldn't be fair if I had more than her! I told her to get the Japanese symbol for strength, she didn't like that idea, but it gave her the idea to look at celtic knots. She found one she likes, and looked forward to the day I gave the greenlight for new tattoos!

Here she is getting hers done (note that the needle isn't on her skin as I can't look while that is happening!)


The finished product (not a great picture as it is from my camera phone)


And one of her ring tattoo:


I'm happy. And I can honestly say I was most afraid of the pain from these two tattoos, and they hurt the least. I barely felt the one on my finger, and the stars only hurt the last 2 minutes she was doing them. Jenn's arm hurt a lot she said, but Jen (tattoo artist) went over the tattoo five times, (outline, fill in, shading, orange color, blue color) so I don't doubt how much it hurt!!

Gettin' Our Pride On and a picture of half of our future child.

Saturday afternoon Jenn and I babysat Avery while Lyz went to a bridal shower, then the four of us hopped in the car and drove to Harrisburg for their Gay Pride. Yes, our area is way behind on the prides, in fact Allentown is having theirs in August. We're behind in lots okay, think about it, roughly half the population in this county doesn't even have electricity.

We had fun! Jenn got to talk to the Pennsylvania Paranormal Society, they will be hiring soon, can you guess who will be filling out an application??? We also talked to an adoption agency. I get all teary when I think about adoption because I feel like that means I'm giving up on every having a full term pregnancy, but Jenn and I will be going to the information meeting to see what we can find out.

We watched a bit of the show they put on, it totally amazes my the costumes and so forth. We watched Mr. Harrisburg Pride (a woman dressed as a man) and were totally amazed! He did so well!

Avery showing her pride for her Aunties:


Jenn sitting on Lyz's lap while we stopped to nosh on yummy ice cream:


Today was our ultrasound to check on the eggies and see if their cooking up nicely. I was oh so nervous because I just haven't been feeling the twingies. I got even more nervous when a friend had her scan Friday and they found no follies. My lining was again 9mm, I'm keeping a good track record there. She found one on the right that measured 19.4 and I said "Ow". It hurt a little more than usual, so she headed over to the left finding two 18.9 and 19.2, plus a few around 15, and a bunch under 10. She said she wanted to check the right again and low and behold two more had unearthed themselves! 21.3 and 22.1. My doc prefers to have them over 20 before they trigger, so they only count those two as mature. I count 5 as mature since they will grow 1-2mm a day, making the smallest one be at least 20.9 come Wednesday when we do the IUI.

We did the trigger shot at 8pm tonight with me lying on the front seat of my car. We were at a baseball game and didn't want to not go just because of a shot. I will not stop living my life. I felt a little weird doing it, like there was an audience of something, but we got it done.

IUI will be at 9am on Wednesday. I plan on keeping our zen approach going as long as possible. I didn't take my temp each morning this cycle. I haven't peed on any ovulation sticks...I'm trying to worry as little as possible (I know that I will never be able to give up worrying completely)

For the road...here's a picture of half of our future child: (the black spot between the x's)

I'm just never happy am I?

So, for months you've heard me talk about the twinges. Those little tugs I feel so that I know my ovaries and the Clomid are working together to build good eggies. How I wonder if the eggies have been released because there might be a brief moment when I can't feel the twinges.

Well, this month isn't any different. I'm still all up in arms about the twinges. This time because of the total lack of twinges. No twinges. Sure, if I sit really still and concentrate really hard I can imagine I feel them. But just sitting here, not a darn thing. Last month by today I was almost in pain I felt them so much. This month, nada.

I'm not writing this post to complain, or even really to express my fears (I told you I'd find something else to stress about). I'm writing it in the hopes that once I hit "Publish Post" the twinges will show up, just to prove me wrong.

(I'm getting ready to hit the button....come on twinges, no whammy, stop)

Just once could this all go smoothly?? **Updated**

You know how I do my checklists, and how I like to have all my ducks aligned?? It's just not happening this month. Clomid is done and swallowed and over with yes, but the rest of it???

Trigger shot-The Fertility Drug Pharmacy at my insurance says that my insurance is expired. Yes, you're right. If you keep using my old number, it is going to come up expired. Please listen to me and use my new number. I need this shot in my hands on Monday. MONDAY people. It's not like I waited until yesterday to start messing with this, this mess started last week. First it was an illegible prescription, then it got sent to the Specialty Pharmacy, not the Fertility Pharmacy, now this expired insurance mess. Whatever. If I don't have it from them Monday, I'll just go pay full price at the pharmacy that loves me.

Swimmers. Now this is totally our fault. We had decided that we wanted to relook through the donor choices. Jenn isn't one million percent behind our current guy, likes him well enough to try with him, but wanted to look again and see if she liked someone better. Well this morning while I'm in the shower and it hits me we haven't done this yet. Um, what if I need the swimmers on Monday morning??? That means they have to be overnighted tonight!!!!!! Goodness gracious.

Guess I should have been a boy scout, then I'd be more prepared.


*****UPDATE*****
Both Trigger and Swimmers should arrive in their appropriate destinations tomorrow. Phew. Off to find something else to stress over :)

Things are a little more right in the world!!

Congrats are due over at Creating Motherhood!!!!

My definition of SUMMER

Growing up I learned a little farming phrase "Knee high by the 4th of July". This meant that your corn would be great as long as it was at least knee high by the 4th of July.

Then I moved to Lancaster. Corn is ready to eat here, at least the week before the 4th. I had my first ear on the 5th of July as a matter of fact at Elissa's cookout.

This always starts a streak in me...I drive past no fewer than 5 roadside stands on my way home from work each day. I want to stop at each one and pick up 6 dozen ears and eat them all (with lots of butter and salt, can't eat too healthily!)

So, Jenn and I headed out the the stand that her family frequented when she was growing up. For $7.25 we got, 3 cucumbers, 2 pounds of new red potatoes, a loaf of homemade bread, two whoopie pies, and loads and loads of corn.

So, for my definition of Summer...I present the dinner that Jenn and I will eat no less than three nights a week until the end of August.

Corn on the Cob (now mind you this picture was taken after we had already started eating, so there are some ears missing)



And BL's (that would be a BLT minus the T, we aren't fans)

Made with the homemade bread of course!

Isn't your mouth just watering?????

Very cute video of Chris and Avery.

Putt Putt Golfing 7/12
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

Chris and Avery demonstrating how to bounce a golf ball, and then catch it behind your back.

(sorry you have to tilt your head to watch, I can't figure out how to straighten it out. And Chris is just too tall to fit in the view finder the other way!)

Yes, the 4th of July was awhile ago but I still wanna share our fun so :P

On the 4th of July Jenn and I had planned a boring evening of going out to dinner and a movie. But we got to have more fun than that. The Lititz fireworks extravaganza was canceled so Lyz, Chris, Avery and Joni came over for a Wii party and cookout. We had lots of fun and ate lots of food. They brought over a few small fireworks that we set off in the backyard. It was VERY humid so it almost seemed that we only set off smoke bombs!!

Lyz and Avery with a sparkler!


For the 5th of July we headed over to Elissa's house for another cookout and fireworks and we brought the Wii over (that Wii is a popular little toy!!) Elissa throws a darn good cookout. Jim gets lots of good (read illegal) fireworks so we also brought the police scanner so that if there was a firework complaint on us we could run and hide. We didn't need to worry as there were lots of other families around the neighborhood that were setting of good fireworks too!

Austin and Skyler playing MarioKart:


All the kids waiting for their sparklers to be lit:


Belle and her sparkler:


For the 6th of July we headed over to Chris's family;s farm where every year they have a HUGE pig roast and party complete with a band, and fireworks. It was our first time back in a few years and I didn't want to go at first. Once we got there I was so glad we went. I got to try goat for the first time. It didn't taste bad but it looked disgusting, and there were a bunch of live goats looking at me while I ate it and I felt really guilty for eating their friend.

Jenn had a blast playing with Lyz's sister Vanessa's two little ones, Bobby and Sophia. Bobby was sitting on her lap and asked Jenn if he could go home with her. This started a big emotional break for both of us. We were both crying, and some of those around us cried with us. We both just can't help but think that we are supposed to have a little one there celebrating with us. Someone was missing.

The firetrucks came (as a safety precaution for the fireworks) and let the kids get in the firetruck and look around. They brought little fire hats for all the kids. Jenn (my 33 year old child) climbed in the firetruck too, and was also given a hat!

Jenn and Bobby:


Jenn and Avery on the firetruck:


And then my camera battery died, and I didn't have a spare, so sad.

This past weekend we went to dinner and then putt-putt golfing and go karting with Lyz, Chris and Avery. Avery will be 3 at the end of October. I had happened to notice on the website that you couldn't ride the go-karts unless you were 4 so we lied about her age. Then we all panicked when they made her go stand near a pole to make sure she was tall enough. Thank goodness her father is wayyyy tall. She blew the height restriction by a good 4 inches!! She was a little small though when sitting in the car, and a lot of the pictures I got of her were just of her forehead over the dashboard.

Jenn and Avery's forehead in the go-kart:


Me putting (Jenn says there aren't enough pictures of me on the blog):


Yesterday Jenn got a new haircut. I won't say I don't like it, but it is different. I've looked at the same haircut for 13 years. It's weird to see it different. It is cute, it'll just take me a few days to get used to it! She is very excited. I don't have a good picture of it, but will take one and show it off soon.

I also got my period yesterday. We called the office and they scheduled my ultrasound for cycle day 14. That made me very nervous as historically I have been ovulating one day earlier each month. Michelle talked me down from my freak out and I will just have to trust her. Sadly, she will be on vacation again for my ultrasound and insemination. I really don't feel the love for Dr. F. Sigh. Jenn says that if we aren't pregnant this time, she isn't going to let Dr. F touch me anymore, as it will be all blamed on him. He he.

Have I ever mentioned my peeing on a stick obsession??

The sad thing is that isn't all of them.

Even sadder, none of them are positive. Wait, that one, alllll the way in the back, the little cassette style one from the dollar store...it's positive. But I didn't pee on it. Jenn was feeling all out of the fun peeing loop so we decided to use a dollar store test since it was cheap, and let her pee on one. It came up positive. Don't trust those dollar store tests he he he. I had a very good laugh over that. Jenn somehow didn't think it was funny. I couldn't stop laughing!! (it is overly impossible that Jenn could be pregnant, lack of sperm, and lack of a properly working uterus.)

We are a bit upset. We had a really bad day yesterday, it was Blue's 6 month birthday after all. I didn't think it was going to bother me like it did. I woke up and felt actual chest pains. My heart is so very broken. I cried and Jenn cried and we held each other and cried. She then drugged me, called me off of work and we took care of each other the rest of the day.

There is always next month. It has just really been so long since we had a negative cycle (August/September 2007) that it is hard to believe we aren't pregnant. We just weren't meant to have a March 2009 baby I guess :)

A TTC update

While I haven't yet gotten my buns in gear to post our wonderful 4th of July (too busy playing Big Brain Academy) I thought I'd hop on here and update on how the two week wait is treating us.

That which makes me think I'm pregnant:

• Crampies. It is the one thing that is different in my pregnant cycles, vs. non pregnant cycles. But as of yesterday, they have started to dissipate.

That which makes me think I'm not pregnant:

• No beautiful temp rise.
• I've been peeing on opk's and they aren't looking that great.
• Just ain't feeling it.

Michelle was all weird at my appointment yesterday. She did ask me how I was doing emotionally. I had a VERY hard time Sunday at the farm. And I told Michelle as much. She offered both therapy and medication, reminding me that there are drug choices that are pregnancy safe. While I declined, it did break down my "I'm not taking any more drugs" wall a little. Stress is a big no-no while ttcing, so maybe I should start thinking about the drugs more.

Then after doing the ovary check she asked how I was feeling about this cycle. I told her about the crampies giving me hope. She smiled really big and said well keep thinking positive. As she handed me my clomid script she winked and said "And we hopefully won't be needing this!" I opened my mouth this time--Do you know something we don't? Her answer?? No (giggle) what would make you think that? She doesn't giggle. She isn't that type.

There are two current boats floating in the "Is Heidi pregnant" ocean. My boat (which holds only me, and Chris) in which we don't believe I am pregnant, and Jenn's boat (passengers include Lyz, Elissa, B, K and pretty much everyone else) who say "Heidi is pregnant until we prove she isn't" My boat is rather lonely as Chris doesn't talk much about such things!

Lyz and I are working on an invention to find out if you are pregnant 2.5 minutes post iui. We are going to be rich.

Have a Safe and Happy 4th of July!!!!

Tonight we are having a Wii dinner party.

Tomorrow a BBQ over with Elissa and family.

Sunday BBQ/Fireworks over at Chris's family's farm.

Hope everyone has a fun, safe holiday!!

(Great way to pass three days of the tww away!)