My Hero the Assistant Coach!!

Tonight was Jenn's first softball game of the season! (she actually missed the real first game 'cause it was last Thursday...which was a bad day for us)

First they prepped the field:


Elissa and Belle


Jenn


Then they pumped up the team!!





Jenn coached at first base



And Jenn's #1 Fan joined us!




They didn't win, but they had a wonderful time and the team was awesome at cheering each other on. It is so amazing to watch the changes from last year to this year. They are a wonderful bunch of girls and Jenn loves every moment that she spends with them!

Labels

I can deal with a lot of the labels that have been assigned to me. Lesbian, fat, frumpy, whatever. My labels at work are never ending. Rodney once joked that I don't wear a name tag because even my large chest couldn't support all my titles (then freaked that he had offended me). Dude, one of my favorite labels is Big Chested!!!

But today, after my blood draw, as I walked with my chart in hand to the front desk to check out, I saw the one label that has ever hurt me.

Habitual Aborter.

Feeling a little messed with.

The cycle we got pregnant with Blue was going to be our last cycle of Clomid. After all the struggling we had been through, we weren't really sure that we wanted to try injectables at all. And during the two week wait when I came the the conclusion that we were not pregnant, I also came to grips with the fact that a life with just Jenn and I was totally a life worth living. Before that I had felt like I just wouldn't be whole without a child (or 12).

Then we got pregnant and those thoughts just flew out the window. This was it!! We were going to have a baby!!! As I entered into the second trimester we were thrilled...safe sailing for us!

Then the walls crashed in.

I still felt as though just Jenn and I was totally okay...but now we got pregnant, we got into the second trimester!! We can do this!

Imagine my happy bliss at being pregnant on the first try this time?!? It was totally meant to be. The universe was telling us something here. "Don't give up Jenn and Heidi...your dreams are going to be fulfilled!!"

Even as I doubted the pee sticks, even as I doubted the first beta results...I took that more than doubling 2nd beta as a wonderful sign!!

Then the walls crashed in again.

And here we are in limbo. We don't know what to do, or how to feel?? If they find something wrong with me, then we will take that as the sign to move forward, try again. If they cannot, then what? Does that mean that we were being messed with through all of those other signs??

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST READ ME THE DAMN SPOILERS???

Angry

I guess that is the number one way to describe how we are feeling right now.

We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?

I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.

I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."

I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?

I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.

There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.

Not good news.

Last night I started spotting brown. Everyone says not to worry when it is brown spotting. It's normal. Once, around 11 I had a bit of red spotting. Not even a lot.

At my blood draw Michelle said again...brown spotting is perfectly normal, happens in 50% of pregnancies.

Went to Jenn's doctor's appointment, Dr. Stabler, who doubles as my ob. Perfectly normal.

But...the beta came back at only 102. It's over. Apparently brown spotting isn't always perfectly normal.

If I don't start really bleeding by Tuesday, call.

Or, when I'm done bleeding, call.

Lots of tests will be run to see if they can figure out what is wrong with me, why can't I keep the babies alive.

Thank you for cheering me on, and for all the good wishes and thoughts the last two weeks. Thank you.

We love you Honeydew!!

Nerves

Tomorrow. Beta #3. Sooo worried. 95% of me wants to just assume all is well. I mean there has been no spotting, my boobs are becoming increasingly sore, I'm as tired as can be, and the gagging sessions each night entertain Jenn so much. So all seems well.

Then there is that other 5% of me that says "What makes you think that all could possibly be well?" I've become attached to my cramps. I remember having the same feeling early on with Blue. But, when I'm feeling crampy I'm convinced something is wrong. Now this morning, I haven't felt a bit crampy, nothing, nada, so I'm convinced something is wrong. Everything else is the same.

So I sit here. Still. Focusing. Is that a crampy twinge I feel??? Nope, I have to pee. See another sign that all is well...why must I always focus on the one thing that will freak me out??

I'll be out and about most of tomorrow, so I'll update as soon as we get home. If it's good news maybe I'll update it on Twitter (down there on the lower right...where I tend to talk about cows as of late). If it's bad news....you'll just have to wait till I blog it! But, I'm 95% thinking good, just have to keep that 5% of me quiet.

Conversations I never thought I'd have...

I'm not a fan of cows. When I was somewhere between 12 and 14 I was out walking our dog and walked past a field of cows (in Northern Michigan, there are no fields of cows around Detroit). One of the cows started following us. In my overimaginative head I decided this cow was mad at me for eating its cousin. I therefore became a "vegetarian". I mean that in the loosest way possible. I honestly think it lasted two days. But my fear of cows has lasted much, much longer.

Now I live in Amish Country. I pass at a minimum 47 fields of cows every day on my way home from work. I have learned a lot about these cows. As the following conversation will show you.

Me: 82% of cows in this field are laying down.
Jenn: That other 18% must be from New Jersey.
Me: Oh, only 10% of this field of cows are laying down.
Jenn: Those New Jersey cows must be on special this year.
Me: 0% of the baby cows in this field are laying down, in fact they are frolicking.
Jenn: Well, they are veal, let them frolic as they will, their life is short.

I have been trying to prove the theory that cows lay down before it rains wrong. I must say that most often, cows laying down are right. That first field of cows was just really ahead of the game as it didn't start raining until eight hours after I saw them!

ps-5weeks0days