Getting back to who I am, but different.

I worship the ground Martha Stewart organizes upon. And Bree from Desperate Housewives is my other idol (minus the whole soap opera drama). So on Tuesday I looked around my house, realized that it is now the end, very end, of January and decided that the Christmas stuff had to go.

First, I started by finally getting all of the beautiful, but very dead, flower arrangements off the top of our entertainment center. This was very, very hard. I did fine for the first two vases, but walking the second set of a vase and a basket back to the kitchen I lost it. I let myself cry for a good half an hour and then kept trucking though. As I put the last bouquet of beautiful dried and very dead tulips into the garbage bag I lost it again. I sat my butt right down on the kitchen floor and let it all out. Sometimes you just have to do that.

After that good cry was out of my system I moved on to the Christmas decorations. My brandy snifter full of blue and silver balls got emptied, cleaned and filled with red balls (Valentines day decor). I dragged tubs from the computer room and filled them with snowmen, penguins (we wish you a Merry Christmas) reindeer, stockings and tons of other things. I am just a bit obsessed with Christmas decorations.

Next, time to tackle the tree. Again, I was a bawling crying mess as I took ornaments down thinking of the conversations Jenn and I had as we decorated about how fun next Christmas would be with a 6 month old trying to pull the tree down. Refer to the first paragraph and my love of Martha and her organizational skills? I am going to really hate myself next Christmas when it comes time to put the lights, ornaments and garland back on the tree as they are all shoved not so nicely into their tubs.

I quit at this point. I cried for a bit and watched some television until Jenn came home to wipe me up and tell me "This is why I told you not to do it alone". But see, if I didn't do it, she would. I would rather not put the extra pain on her shoulders.

Yesterday I finished it. Well, the inside anyway. I took down the village and actually took the time to lovingly wrap all of the houses in their tissue and put them into their bins in an organized manner.

Then I started to find Heidi again. I cleaned in the dining room, and the kitchen. I started to feel like the Heidi I once was, happy to surprise Jenn when she got home from work with all the things I had accomplished in our home.

I got another bin and filled it with my maternity clothes and the pregnancy books. Another bin got filled with all of the early baby gifts and hand me downs we had received (after photographing them for Blueberry's scrapbook of course). I stacked all the bins in the living room so that tonight when I get home from work Jenn and I can take them to the storage unit, where I am sure I will cry again, but as a good friend reminded me yesterday "Just think one day you will have to get it all back out and that will be a wonderful day."

Let's just hope that day comes soon.

If I can just make it to...

I have been telling myself "If you can just make it too...you'll be okay." This has become everything to me.

First it was...if I can make it though my first day of work....

If I can make it past my manicure (that was last night, cried a lot, but had the people at our salon were awesome and gave us lots of hugs, and post miscarriage success stories to go home with.)

Now...

If I can just make it until our dr's appointments on the 7th.
...then it's only 1 more week until Florida. And Florida is our "happy place". If I can just make it there........

Soon it will be...if I can just make it to ovulation...if I can just make it through the two week wait...woah. I'm going to stop myself there, it gets a bit scary at that point. I'm going to go back to

If I can just make it until our dr's appointments on the 7th.
...then it's only 1 more week until Florida. And Florida is our "happy place". If I can just make it there........

See, better already.

I am officially no longer pregnant.

I went twice for bloodwork last week to confirm that my pregnancy hormone levels were falling, and to check my thyroid.

My pregnancy hormones are at 0. I am happy that they fell nice and quickly, but it still hurt to hear that. I cried on the phone with Dr. Stabler-I love her. She said she has perfect faith that we can go on to get pregnant again, and carry this one full term. She also told me that she knows how much we loved our baby, and how excited she was for us.

My thyroid level is a little trickier. Normal is .5 to 5.0. Mine right now is .53 so within normal. She does not recommend changing my dosage as we are going to try again, and when we get pregnant we would just have to change the dosage all over again. She even mentioned that being a little on the hyperside of the thyroid level can often aid in conception.

So, it is official. We are back to square one, waiting for my period. Sigh.

Thank goodness for good insurance.

01/10/2008 01/10/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
329.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL CRNAS
480.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LGH PATHOLOGY
116.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 ANESTHESIA ASSOC OF LANCASTER
720.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
5726.30 APPROVED

Thank you Wachovia for providing insurance to domestic partners.

Oh the things she says

When you first meet Jenn, she comes off as a little gruff. It is her defense mechanism. She doesn't trust people easily so she'd just rather not stick her heart out there if given the choice. Underneath that gruff exterior is a heart of gold, and some of the most sensitive emotions, sometimes more sensitive than mine.

Last night we were sitting in bed and she laid down on my lap. Like so many nights before she put her hand on my belly. I put my hand on top of hers, I thought I knew what was coming. I realized she was crying so I rubbed her back and she said through the sobs "I only ever kissed your belly once." My heart broke. I tried to argue with her, I swear she did it more than once, but she could even tell me exactly where, when and why she did it. Just once. That is so unfair for her.

Later in the evening we were talking about how I do want to try again, but am scared to death. I have nightmares, Jenn has good dreams-we are yin and yang. She dreams every night about our twin girls. She told me she's okay with that, she's got her boy.

The after the loss credo

This is exactly how I feel right now. It says everything that I am feeling, or didn't realize I was feeling until I read it.



I need to talk about my loss. I may often need to tell you what happened - or to ask you why it happened. Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself face the reality of the death of my loved one. I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't judge me or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember, I am grieving. I may even be in shock. I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before. Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you "know how I feel," or that it's time for me to get on with my life. I am probably already saying this to myself. What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. And remember, in the days or years ahead, when you may have a loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Author: Barbara Hills LesStrang

I have a problem, and I am willing to admit it.

I am an information junkie. I must read everything I can about some things. This has been proven to be a not so good thing after losing Blueberry.

I read about D&E's...they are used for abortions.

I read about trying to conceive post late miscarriage...seems like it's a 50/50 shot to me.

I read other blogs about their losses in the hopes that them coming out the other side okay will console me...all it does is make me cry over their stories of loss.

I read that new study that shows that caffeine causes miscarriage. Two years before I got pregnant I all but gave up caffeine, but I know I had several iced teas while pregnant. So this does nothing but cause me to place more blame on myself. (yes...I know nothing I did or didn't do caused this miscarriage...but there will be no more tea...just water, even if I have to bring my own to restaurants.)

So...I have decided to get my information from other sources. My textbooks. I'm a pretty smart girl and will openly admit that I have never EVER actually read anything my teachers have told me to read, yet still come out with almost all A's.

This morning for some reason, even though I am almost three weeks behind in all my classes, I decided to read my books. Of course I did. That's just me. So it's going to take me five times as long to do my schoolwork than ever before...but it will keep me out of Google for a bit.

Back to Reality Sucks.

Jenn had to return to work today. She called me from the parking lot crying that she didn't want to go in, and I totally understand. She has, for the most part, set her emotions aside as a way of trying not to upset me and taking care of me. This is just how she is. Now matter how much time I have spent telling her that I need to see her cry too she just won't/can't do that.

I think this morning she had no choice but to let it out, and I feel terrible because I wasn't even there to comfort her. Thankfully she does not work tomorrow, and neither do I so we can go back to our peaceful life of the last two weeks in which we lay in bed eating Grasshopper Cookies and Oreo's and talk about what we are thinking/feeling.

If she stays at work all day (her boss told her to go home when she couldn't stop crying, she knows Jenn isn't ready to be back yet), then I have to hit another scary milestone myself. Going home to an empty house alone. I haven't done that since 10/12/07. If Jenn wasn't home, at least Blueberry was with me. I would talk to him, we'd have our little mommy and Blueberry bonding time. I was very selfish in that sense. I got to have him with me always.

When Jenn and I email back and forth from work we always ended it with 143=I (one letter) Love (four letters) You(three letters). Once Blueberry came I started ending mine with 243 (We Love You) as I got to have Blueberry with me all of the time. I sent her one this morning with 243 at the end. It hurt. But Blueberry is with both of us all the time now, as a piece of our hearts.

We are so wanting to try again. Neither of us feels that we can really get through the pain unless we have something big and new to focus on. And then at the same time we are scared to death to move forward. When we do get pregnant again how will we ever get through a day without wondering if our baby has left us? Is it possible that from the moment we find out we are pregnant that we could be put in a coma until the baby is obviously moving about so that we can feel it?? No?

Michelle did call Jenn on Monday, and suggests sitting out two cycles, trying again on the third. That's like April in Heidi cycle world. April would have been baby shower season for Blueberry. I need out of this misery now.

And then I feel guilty that I want out of mourning Blueberry. Can he see/feel that I don't want to mourn him any more? Does he know that I love him soooo much that I can't see straight due to the tears? I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he would love some siblings. But he better be willing to share them, I don't want to send him anymore siblings. They must remain here on Earth with Jenn and I first.

Yes, I know that reading this blog lately is a downer. But we're downers right now. We don't go out with people, I don't even talk to my two best friends on the phone. I'm still avoiding life. But alas it must go on.

I'm giving myself until February 7th to remove myself from "the funk", before I get concerned about falling into a real depression vs. just mourning the most difficult loss I've ever faced. We have our follow-up appointments with Dr. Martin that day, me to follow up on the D&E and Jenn's to follow-up from her surgery. I may also try to make that day the one where we meet with Michelle to discuss the goings forth. If I can get a new plan into position, maybe we'll be able to focus on something else.

We'll get there, it's just going to be rough. When we signed up for this TTC (Trying to Conceive) journey we knew that it would be rough. We had no idea it would be this rough.

Getting Angry

I have questions about life after D&E so where do I turn?? Google. Did you know that almost everything I keep finding about D&E's has to do with abortion?

Do you know how angry it makes me to even see the word abortion?

Edited to add:This is one of the only pluses about being back to work. No one (aka Jenn) has the power to take the internet away from me. Oh, maybe that's not a good thing??

Tiny Steps

Jenn called the Fertility Center for us yesterday. I'm very grateful that she did it. I know it must have hurt so much to have to say the words, I know I still can't say them.

Anita, one of the receptionists, talked to Dr. Filer and he said that we should only have to wait one cycle at the most before trying again. They like to have a cleansing cycle in between. He also said that since he didn't do most of our treatments, he would rather have Michelle (the awesome nurse) call us and discuss the next step for us. She may not even need us to wait the one cycle.

I still think we will though. If my body goes back to "normal" I should get my next period while we are in Florida. This would not work for monitoring and so forth.

They of course expressed their condolences, and almost more importantly reminded us that we are not the only ones this has happened to. When other people tell me that I want to scream shut-up. I know it's happened to others, but this is my grief right now. But having them say it, and tell us that so many of their patients have tried again and been successful is a huge help.

I will never be a comfortable pregnant woman again. I will not rent a home Doppler this time, I don't need the added stress of not being able to find the heartbeat on my own. But you can bet your left butt cheek that I'll be harassing Dr. Stabler for a weekly if not daily appointment to run in there and listen quick.

Jenn is calling Dr. Stabler on Monday to see if I can get in to see her. I want to get blood draws to 1-make sure my pregnancy numbers are falling (I started bleeding again yesterday) I don't want there to be any retained tissue, 2-check my thyroid-I had to up the medication while pregnant, I don't want to be in a hyperthyroid mess, I want everything to be ready when we are ready to try, 3-just to talk. Find out what, if anything, can be done differently for the next pregnancy. I think I may be given to the high risk dr due to my advanced maternal age and second trimester loss.

We are slowly healing. Every night Jenn and I have laid in bed reassuring each other and listening to the other one get their feelings out. Nighttime is most definitely the worst. It means we have to face another day, it means I have to face the nightmares, and it means that another day has passed since we lost Blueberry. But morning comes and we still have each other. Right now that is the only thing holding me together.

I had bought Blueberry his first teddy bear, a cute little Michigan Wolverine, and we sleep with it every night. Two nights before we found out I had told Jenn that I sleep holding the bears hand, like I would soon be holding Blueberry's. I'm glad to have the bear now, while it will never replace our precious Blueberry, at least I'll always be able to hold his hand.

The Whole Story

**Warning, this is the whole story, our raw emotions. I will try not to be too graphic with the details, but I am going to share the emotions. I understand if you don't want to read it, but since I am treating this blog as our journal, I need to get the feelings out of me.**

Thursday, January 10th we had our regular four month appointment. Jenn also had her pre-op appointment so we were going back and forth between two rooms. Dr. Stabler, our OB, was getting ready to use the doppler to listen for Blueberry's heartbeat so Jenn came over to my room.

Dr. Stabler put the doppler onto my belly and we instantly heard the sound Jenn and I have been hearing with our doppler, and said that it was Blueberry swimming away from the wand, and this gave us great relief, as we hadn't been able to find the heartbeat for a few days, but had heard this swimming noise.

Dr. Stabler decided since she wasn't even getting my heartbeat on the doppler, she'd go get a different doppler. Ten minutes of that doppler and she went and got the offices ultrasound machine, which is very old. We could see him on the screen, but couldn't make him out well. Dr. Stabler called in Jenn's doctor-Pam Martin to come give a second opinion as she is a OB specialist.

Dr. Martin had the same response, she could make him out, but not clearly. By this point I was laying on the table crying. I was scared, but honestly couldn't believe anything was wrong. They sent us to the main part of the hospital (our office is located down a wing of the Women's and Babies Hospital of Lancaster) for a sonogram to put our minds at ease, both doctors telling us this happens often, and not to worry. (Looking back, I'm sure they already knew).

We waited in a waiting room for 20 minutes, both of us nervous and teary. They took us back to a room and had me get in a gown. The girl came in to do the sonogram and we were still so positive that we asked her if she could tell us the sex. She explained that she isn't allowed to tell us anything.

We stared at her face as she did the sonogram, and I give her total credit for being able to not show a single emotion. She left and we waited almost 45 minutes for someone to come tell us what was going on with our precious Blueberry.

Dr. Stabler opened the door, and apologized for it taking her so long, but she wanted to be the one to tell us. She never even said the words, I started screaming and Jenn grabbed me and held me tight while she cried. Dr. Stabler held us both. She kept repeating over and over again that there was nothing we did wrong, that there was nothing we could have done differently. Based on his size he had passed away about a week ago. The three of us cried together for quite awhile, and I became angry and wanted out of the hospital now.

She explained that they would put seaweed sticks into my cervix to get it to dilate, and that another doctor, Dr. Angelasanti would be in too explain the whole procedure to me. That I would stay in the hospital overnight and they would do a D&E in the morning. I didn't want to stay. She said she would talk to Dr. Angelasanti and see what they could do.

A nurse came in after Dr. Stabler left and started to explain other things too us. That they would have a picture of the baby if we wanted it. I didn't. I didn't want anything. She gave us a memory box, and I wanted to scream at her. What the hell is a box going to do for us? She also explained what we could do with our precious Blueberry's body. The hospital offers a Share Burial. A local funeral home buries all of the baby's lost prior to birth in a shared casket once every two months. Again I didn't care, leave us alone.

After the nurse left Dr. Angelasanti came in and told us our surgical options. I could go home and miscarry naturally, but she didn't recommend that since we were so late into the pregnancy...this was not an option to me, waiting around with my dead baby in my belly...

Her recommendation was to come back to the hospital tomorrow and give birth with the aid of pitocin. While awake. To go through labor with no true reward. I began to cry more, and Jenn thankfully put her foot down. Neither she nor I wanted me to be awake for this process.

Dr. Angelasanti didn't want us to do what Dr. Stabler recommended because there is a small risk for cervical or uterine damage. At this time I didn't even think about it, it didn't matter to me, I wanted this over, and now. Damage means nothing when you are in so much new raw pain. The pity looks the doctors and nurses were giving us were killing me.

Dr. A explained what would happen, kind of, she told us that she would insert the seaweed before we left, and that should I begin cramping or bleeding before the next morning we were to come right back to the hospital. Fine, do it, I want out of here.

By this time we were both numb. I didn't cry for quite a bit. After they finished the seaweed I just wanted to leave, but we had to wait yet again for someone to come in and tell us what time to be in the hospital the next morning. Be there at 9:30, surgery at 11.

We walked out to the car hand in hand, bleeding hearts bleeding for each other. We made a few phone calls on the way home, it hurt to say it out loud. I couldn't even get Blueberry out of my mouth. If I didn't say it, it wasn't happening.

We got home and crawled into bed. Just held each other and cried. Sleeping would be easier that being awake and feeling things. There are no words to describe how we felt. It is a feeling of not wanting to ever go on, and wanting to start over again immediately.

I don't remember the rest of the evening all that much. I could hear Jenn taking control and taking care of me, what she does to heal is to take care of me. I remember calling Lyz and asking what she thought we should do about the Share Burial...she said it couldn't hurt. Even if we don't go to the service, or never visit the grave, Blueberry will be there if we should ever want to visit. I also asked her if she thought we should find out Blueberry's sex, and if I wanted the picture. She said to ask them to put the picture and the sex in an envelope, and give it to her. If we ever wanted it she could give it to us.

Friday morning we got up and headed to the hospital. Our friend Lyz met us there and in being hugged by someone else I lost control again. I asked Jenn before we went in if she would buy a balloon, I wanted to let it go up to the clouds as we were leaving. She promised she would. We didn't sit in the waiting room for more than five minutes before they called us back. Lyz waited outside.

I wasn't allowed to eat or drink after midnight. This doesn't work well for my body. I drink probably two gallons of water a day. They had to draw blood to match it in case I needed a transfusion. I was dehydrated and they kept collapsing the veins. Five spots later they finally got what they needed. The iv was a mess too.

Another nurse came in and I signed the permission for the Share Burial. I asked about the picture. Here is where I became very angry and wished that people would have explained more to us before. She said they couldn't take a picture, or tell us the sex because during the D&E they cut the baby up to be able to get it out of me. This is not something I needed to know. This is not a sentence I will ever be able to get out of my head. She did bring me a picture from the sonogram. We opened it when we got home. He was perfect. (I had always been sure Blueberry was a boy, so that is what we have decided to believe). The picture looks very similar to the last ultrasound I had at the RE's office. So perfect. I don't understand how something so perfect could leave.

Stupid nurse then made another stupid comment. She told us that the funeral home will never call us, since there are so many women that they would have to call. If we have any questions we need to call them. Yes, I understand that we are not the only couple this has ever happened to, but please, it is our pain right now. Don't make it seem trivial.

They were able to get me into the operating room a little early. I kissed Jenn goodbye and lost it. I cried so hard walking into the or. I was shaking and bawling. The or is so cold. They had me lay down and started covering me in warm blankets. I was still crying and shaking so the nurses thought I was cold and put more blankets on me. The anesthesiologist immediately gave me something that was supposed to relax me. I don't think it worked. I could feel people putting the heart monitor pads on me, and the blood pressure cuff. I felt the doctor put the oxygen mask over my face. I actually kind of laughed...when I was four I had my tonsils out, I remember scratching the man who put the mask on me.

I heard someone tell me they were ready to put me under, that I should count down from 10. I got the whole way to 2 and they said they obviously needed to give me more. I don't remember after that.

I woke up screaming that they took my baby, please give me back my baby-I saw the clock and it said 12:00. I heard someone say they were going to give me something, and I lost 10 more minutes. I woke up again and heard the nurses talking about checking my pad. They let me have my glasses back, and sat me up a little bit.

In the bed across recovery from me was a woman who had just given birth via c-section. I heard her and her husband talking about how happy they were. I wanted out.

I heard the nurse telling the girl in the bed next to me that they would let her go back to the other recovery when she was sitting up and could talk cohesively. I sat myself up Indian style and shook myself into reality. I didn't cry. I didn't care about how much pain I was in (they only give you the good drugs in the first recovery room).

The nurse came over to me and said wow, you are feeling good. I answered her that yes, I felt just fine. She said she would go get me the wheelchair and would take me to the other recovery. It was only 12:25. They had told Jenn and I that I would be in recovery at least an hour, if not more.

They wheeled me into recovery number two and I asked what I had to do to get out of there. Eat and drink something, keep it down, and pee. They brought me apple juice and shortbread cookies and went to get Jenn. I had half the cookies eaten, and half the apple juice drank before she could even get back there. I was also ready to pee. The nurse took me to the bathroom and again asked to see my pad (in case I didn't already feel embarrassed and humiliated enough) and let me pee in peace, just let her see the toilet before I flush.

When I had passed all their tests the came and took the iv out, let me get dressed and wheeled me out. 1:15pm. I shouldn't have even been out of recovery yet. Jenn let me know that Dr. A had told her that there was no damage to either my cervix or my uterus. This time I cared. I was glad to hear that we would be able to try again. One doctor told us to wait just one cycle, another said three. We'll see how we feel.

We got outside and Jenn and I held on to the string of the balloon, reminded Blueberry how much we loved him and let the balloon go. The three of us stood there crying for a minute and Jenn got me in the car and brought me home.

About halfway home the drugs started to wear off. I had only been told to expect some cramping, and some bleeding. They did not mention that I would have contractions. Awful contractions that would never bring me my baby.

I was also given no pain medication. Oh, just take some Advil. BS. Jenn called the doctor as soon as we got home and Dr. A apologized, they must not have realized how far along I was, she called me in a prescription for anxiety and insomnia, it is a good drug. I took some of my Oxycontin to try and sleep instead of going to get the new drug right away. Jenn didn't want to leave me, and I didn't want to go out.

We got home and slept for awhile, I had a hard time falling asleep because of the contractions. We woke up around 9 pm, and I wanted to get out of the house for a bit. We went to Giant to get the prescription. I had to walk slowly again due to the contractions.

Slept fitfully through the night, and woke up late Saturday. I felt my belly and already I could no longer feel my uterus. Dr. Stabler had shown Jenn how to feel it while we were at the appointment. It made everything seem suddenly so real.

It's been a week now since we found out we've lost Blueberry. I only have a few bruises left. The biggest two problems I've been having physically are the nightmares and my breasts are leaking. I keep trying to find the positive in everything, and I am happy that my boobs work. Now we know that when we do have our baby to hold, I'll be able to breastfeed.

Emotionally I am a wreck. I did really well on Tuesday, Jenn had her surgery so I had taking care of her on my mind, and not myself. That felt good. Halfway through yesterday she started to get back to normal, and I started to lose my mind again. I hurt, and I hurt bad.

I broke down and called the doctor today, or rather had Jenn call them for me. I don't like to admit I can't handle something on my own. I don't like admitting that I need help, but I do. This pain is not going to disappear overnight.

We will never be normal again. We are going to have to find a new normal. It is going to take awhile, I don't know how long, but we will find it.

We are going to try again. We will not be beat down. I know there is nothing we could have done to keep Blueberry with us, although I wish there was. We have an angel watching over us, and we love him more than anything.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, your flowers, and your cards. They mean the world to us. We know that you all are thinking of us. We love you, and feel your love too.

16 weeks 4 days-1/7/08

Question?:

Why do smoke alarms/carbon monoxide alarms always choose 3am for their batteries to go dead and start emitting a loud beep every minute?

Been shopping...you surprised?? No...me either.

**After I finished writing this I realized it's really a jumble of my odd thoughts. These are noted in purple italics, feel free to ignore them.**

It's official. I don't fit into any of my normal clothing. Okay, that's not really true. I do fit, but not comfortably. (For anyone who is concerned or keeping count, I have only gained 6 pounds since getting pregnant...I'm actually two pounds below the plus size "norm" I think I'm doing pretty darn good considering the holidays!)

We went to the outlets yesterday because Jenn needed a new pair of jeans. Low and behold I found 4 pairs of crops (that better fit me after Blueberry comes...I bought a size bigger) for only $2.25 each!!! Wooo Hooo. But that doesn't help me now does it?

So Jenn drove us over to the other outlet mall (yes, we have two outlet malls within 1/2 mile of my work). I hoped she was going to take me to the Coach outlet to see if they had any good deals on my dream diaper bag. (I know, it's just a dream and I am seriously not crazy enough to spend $400 on a diaper bag like I did my favorite purse-which was only $287 thank you-, those days are over!). Nope...we stopped at Kay Jewelers to get ideas on how much a simple band will cost in case my fingers swell and my rings don't fit anymore (they were all very simple, fairly cheap and quite boring in my opinion...memo to fingers, please don't swell).

Just a few stores down to our amazement was a Motherhood Maternity outlet! I still didn't want to go in, why would they have anything that fits me?? But wow...a plus size section! While it was no larger than a small bathroom, it had clothes that fit me! I tried on a bunch (what a workout-and hilarious with the little fake belly they give you so you can see what you'll look like with a bigger belly) and ended up getting 4 pairs of pants and a shirt for less than $100.00--pretty good deal in my books!

When we got home I spent some time hunting down coupons for Lane Bryant and was able to get another pair of jeans, four bras, 5 pairs of undies and a top for $120.00.

I'm wearing a pair of the new pants I got yesterday right now...heaven. (Why didn't I give in to the maternity clothes sooner?)

16 weeks 1 day-1/4/08

Where does time go???

Your Pregnancy Calendar

Today is Friday January 4th 2008.

You conceived on Thursday September 27th 2007
and your due date is Thursday June 19th 2008.

99 days have passed since the conception,
and you are 167 days before your due date.

You are 16 weeks into your pregnancy,
and you have 24 weeks to go.

You are in the 2nd trimester.

37% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 63% left to go.

About Blueberry:
At 4 1/2 inches long (head to bottom) and 3 1/2 ounces, your baby is about the size of an avocado. In the next three weeks, she'll go through a tremendous growth spurt, though, doubling her weight and adding inches to her length. Her lower limbs are much more developed now. Her head is more erect than it has been, and her eyes have moved toward the front of her head. Your baby's ears are close to their final position, too. Some of her more advanced body systems are working, including her circulatory system and urinary tract. Her heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, circulating her total blood volume through her body many times. (By the end of your pregnancy, this will increase to about 190 quarts.) The patterning of her scalp has begun, though her hair isn't recognizable yet. Although closed, her eyes are moving (slowly), and she's even started growing toenails.

Really bored at work today...

A girl on one of my chat boards found a website that does "psychic readings" about your labor and the baby...I'm saving this here just to be able to look back and laugh...or be shocked, who knows!!

Madame Zaritska's reading

Madame Zaritska, our resident clairvoyant, wants to help you prepare for the arrival of your child. Here she does her best to predict certain aspects of your labor and birth experience.

What she senses for you
The day you deliver, outside will be hot. Your baby will arrive at night.

After a labor lasting approximately 24 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 8 pounds, 11 ounces, and will be 17-1/2 inches long. This child will have hazel eyes and dark hair.

But there is more. Although you may feel tired, your pregnancy will be over before you are truly ready to let go of having this precious baby you have all to yourself. I sense that you will look back and long for these days. I suggest doing something now to preserve some memories of this time.

15 weeks 6 days-1/2/08

If you look over to the right, and down you'll see an orange box that links to a website where you, yes you, can enter your guesses about Blueberry!! Weight, height, sex, birthday, even the time of day he will be born!

Winner gets a prize...what, I'm not sure yet...it could be as lame as a pretty framed picture of Blueberry!!

Love yas!

15 weeks 5 days-1/1/08

Happy New Year!!!!!

Jenn and I had wonderful plans of Chinese dinner and sitting on the couch in our pj's watching television and nibbling on snacks we bought the other day.

I fell asleep at 9. My excuse is that I worked 11 hours at the hotel making sure that 174 other people had a wonderful New Years Eve!!

I decided not to make any New Year's resolutions this year, I always just end up disappointing myself, so what is the point?

I woke up at midnight on the nose and woke Jenn up to tell her Happy New Year. It was then I realized that I actually accomplished one of my resolutions for 2007. For the past three years I've written on my little piece of paper that we will get pregnant in 2005...2006...2007. We did it! I guess the reason I didn't need any resolutions this year is because the biggest one I've ever had finally happened!!

Now lets see if after Blueberry comes I can lose some weight in 2008!