an email sent this morning....

Me-Um, just realized that my beta is scheduled for 11/11. I thought we all took a vote and decided that the government was going to ban all 11's from the calendar??? *

L-Um, no, this is a good sign. This is two 11's, and Avery was due on 11/11. See, that's some kind of sign.

Me-lol, you are so full of crappy positivity aren't you?


*-Blue and 11's are always together...
Cycle started 9/11
First BFP 10/11
Born 1/11
Buried 3/11

Avery's 3rd Candle Blowing

Avery's 3rd Candle Blowing
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

Yes, please tilt your head. Sorry!!

Happy 3rd Birthday Avery!!

What does a little three year old need more than anything else in the world???

Why three birthday parties of course!!

#1-Chuck-E-Cheeses

Jenn went with to this one (I was stuck at work) and they had fun winning lots and lots of tickets for Avery.

We got her olives (she really likes to stick them on all her fingers and then eat them--it makes Olive Garden her favorite place to eat)

This party was for the kids (and the Jenn's, Chris's and Delmar's out there)

#2-The big family party
We both got to go to this one, and had lots of fun. Avery is big into dinosaurs right now.

The whole family (Including tadpole in Lyz's belly)


#3-Chocolate World, Red Robin, a third cake
We got to go today to Chocolate World at Hershey Park followed by Red Robin.(or the code phrase of CW at HP followed by RR)
Jenn and Avery at Chocolate World:

Avery and I on the Chocolate Tour:

The 3rd Cake:

Me and Avery playing with one of her new toys:


Happy Birthday to my favorite three year old. You brighten my day, make me smile, and your hugs are better than gold!!

xxoo

60.7 million swimmers are on their way

Yesterday-31.5
Today-29.2

Those are the best numbers we have ever had. Wow.

Hopefully they are all swimming away to their goal.

Now I just have to wait two weeks to see if they were able to achieve their goal!!

(There will be no testing until November 10th. I am throwing a baby shower on the 9th and can't let myself be in a mood while I am throwing it.)

Mingo Monday

For our next show and tell I offer you a picture of the picture that started the obsession into full swing. After Aunt Kari gave me 50 flamingos it was often joked about that I love flamingos, but nothing was ever done about it. I didn't buy them by the dozens, and other people didn't come back from where ever they vacationed with flamingo knicknacks for me. I didn't get a minimum of 4 flamingos for every birthday like I do now.

One Saturday, in lets say in the Summer of 1998, Lyz and Chris called us after a busy day of garage saleing to see if we were home...they had the garage sale find to beat all garage sale finds and just had to show it to us.

To be honest, I was a little sad. Working in the hotel industry=working on weekends. There are very few Saturdays that I get to have off to be able to go garage saleing. I was jealous. The mean green monster flared in my eyes. I spent the next 20 minutes imagining what wonderful object they were going to bring up my stairs.

This is what they brought:




It is a 3feet by 4feet original chalk drawing of a flamingo. What makes it even more fantabulous is the gaudy gold frame. It is simply perfect. It started the collection of flamingos, which became our bathroom decor for several months...months you ask?? It quickly outgrew the bathroom.

Thank you Lyz and Chris for starting the collection. I'm not sure Jenn thanks you as much, but I sure do!!

Public Service Announcement: Target Pumpkins are Bad for your Health

I have spent the last 45minutes trying to find a picture of the offensive pumpkin, but I cannot. So...here is my pathetic example.



You know those pumpkins that you can buy at most stores that are hard foam and painted and already carved and already have a light bulb shoved up their butt??? I've always wanted one and we have a blank spot in our outdoor Halloween decorations. We were at Target the other day and they had a bunch of cute ones, for a rather reasonable price so we threw 4 into the cart. One of the four was a little one that didn't have a plug-in light, but required batteries for it to light up. So while waiting in line to check-out I flipped it over to see what kind of batteries we needed, since Target is nice enough to line their check-out aisles in things you forgot while you were shopping around such as batteries.

This is what I found on the bottom of the pumpkin:


Since the picture is small and fuzzy (cameraphone), here is what it says:

PROP 65 WARNING. This product contains chemicals including lead, known in the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects of other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.

Wanna know how quick those pumpkins were out of my cart?

I am flabbergasted. Seriously? I cannot believe that they would sell something like that. As I almost literally threw the pumpkins out of the cart the woman behind me asked what was wrong. I explained and she joined me in my freakout.

Here I am in the midst of trying to make a baby and I had my hands all over those pumpkins!!!! I know, I know, I am overreacting a bit. But still. Reproductive Harm??? As if I wasn't scared enough about harming futurebaby.

Humph.

I can't breathe.

I did great this morning...I was blowing sunshine and rainbows out my rear after the appointment. And right up until they called me with the instructions.

Got poked. Then went for the ultrasound. Right ovary is officially out of the game.

Left had 7 measurable. 12, 13.1, 13.2, 14.6, 17.3, 18.5. Ultrasound tech even said out loud to me "Looks like you may be triggering tonight". I thanked her as that is the first real hint of a clue anyone has given me this cycle. They've all just been telling me what I need to know, and not giving any further information.

Then I waited for the phone call.

Amy the awesome lab tech says Yeah!!! You're ready to go. Trigger tonight around 9pm, IUI Monday and Tuesday.

What? I thought it was 12 and 36 hours post trigger, not 36 and 58 hours post trigger?

Nope, not with injectables they said. And since I have no prior experience with injectables except for Lyz (who did manage to get pregnant that cycle) who went to the same doctor and was told the same thing, I have to just accept it.

Anyone got any advice? Is this right?

(silver lining, only one shot tonight, then my poor skin is off duty for a month...hopefully more)

I may be getting a little tired of this roller coaster.

So, another round of bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. In which the ultrasound tech (who has zero personality I might add) says:

"You are polycystic, even if the doctors haven't told you that, you are"

Oh. Well then, why am I not on metformin????????????

Right ovary-2 little ones 9ish
Left ovary-6 follies measuring--11, 12.4, 12.6, 13, 14.2, 10.

I begin to panic. So, my right ovary died, and the other side barely grew?? And I'm polycystic (which I until I started going to this doctor I had assumed-because of facial hair, skin tags, irregular periods, overweight, etc.etc., but they say no.)

I proceed to freak out on Jenn in the car on the way home. I owe her a public apology for that. Sorry that you are my punching bag. I don't mean to do it, but well, you're typically the only person around me when I freak so you get the brunt of it. I will try to do better.

I wait and wait and wait for my instructions phone call. Totally not what I expected. Continue at the same doesages tonight. I am to come in tomorrow morning for yet another round of bloodwork and ultrasound. Why so soon, I asked? Well, the follicles on Tuesday really weren't worth measuring, and now you have a lot that have taken the lead, so we want to see how they are tomorrow. There are lots of them you know. Too many??????? No, not nessesarily too many, just lots, so we want to see what is going on with them in the morning. She sure used the words a lot, a lot, for it to not be too many.

I'm praying, hoping, wishing that this is because they are worried that they will grow too big by Monday, so they want to figure out if I should be doing the trigger shot over the weekend. And not that I have too many follicles and they want to cancel me. Michelle said 5 was her limit.

Wait. It just hit me that they don't run bloodwork on the weekends. Crap. Now I've got a whole other thing to worry about.

Hearing it for the millionth time, the first time.

The other night Jenn and I were driving home and I put an old cd in. Blue's Traveler, haven't listened to it in forever. When song number 11 came on I yelled...ohohoh I love this song, turned up the volume and started singing along. Then tears started rolling down my cheeks. It has a whole new meaning to me now. Listening to John Popper sing those words...it really sounded like everyone I know, ESPECIALLY JENN singing them to me.

I think they need to be sung to all you suffering like me too...so my song to all you wonderful women who read my blog who feel the same way I do, lost, confused, hurt and alone.


Just Wait-Music and Lyrics by John Popper

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

My Dr's Appointment

Why when it's Dr. Blah does he always run soooo far behind. Normally I wouldn't mind, but today we had a lunch date.

Anywho...three good follies on the right and two good follies on the left...and a bunch of smaller ones. By good I mean 8ish.

I am to keep with 5 units of Lupron and 125 units of Follistim, and go back for another round of bloodwork and ultrasound on Friday morning (my boss is soooo going to love me).

I have written a second half to this post about 30 times over the last 4 hours. I am very upset about something. Someone has hurt a very close friend of mine and I am so irate that I don't know what to do. I've written mean things here, I've written sarcastic things here. But I really don't think it is right to stoop to the level of the offender. I know she reads this. I hope she knows how damn disappointed in her.

Friendship Award

I've have been tagged by IrishNYC, a wonderful woman who started a support group of sorts in the big online community that we belong to dating back to planning our weddings on theknot.com. Then one day she shared her blog with the group and now I stalk her.

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
I just recently came into contact with my best friend from elementary school, sadly because she has fallen ill. I talk to two people from high school sporadically. I don't live in the same state as I did growing up, so I don't run into people either.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
That they know when to be angry with me, or when to talk me out of my anger. That they understand. That they are there to help me, even when I don't or can't ask for it. That they love me because of who I am, not in spite of it.

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Oh dear goodness yes.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
Honestly, I don't have any favorites. Each moment that I spend with my friends is very important to me. I need them. I need the reminder that I am loved.

I tag Kim!!!!

Mingo Monday

A lot of the blogs I read have cute themes on certain days. I'm jealous. I want one too. So....I present to you the first installment of Mingo Monday!!!

In case you've never read my snippet on the side bar...I collect flamingos. I love them. A lot.

For our first story, I share with you the beginning of the obsession. I always felt bad for pink flamingo lawn ornaments because most people don't like them. People think they are tacky and then ignore them. Oh, the poor flamingos. So I started joking that one day I was going to have a whole yard full of flamingos. When I was in high school the popularity of those companies that put a bunch of animals in your yard for special occasions was just starting.

For my graduation present my Aunt Kari hired one of those companies to deliver 50 pink flamingos to my front yard. I was beyond thrilled. When I came downstairs that morning my mom told me there was something outside for me.

Me and my mingos. Note that I am wearing jelly slippers. I was so excited when I bought them in the store. I remember my mom giving me a hard time for wearing them to graduation. Oddly, I don't remember what I wore under my gown, but I remember what shoes I was wearing!


Just the mingos:



**sorry for poor picture quality, these are digital pictures of actual pictures, as there were no digital cameras when I graduated from high school a million years ago**

Football and Guest Appearances

Yesterday we headed out to watch Belle and Austin's football games. Why we waited until the coldest Saturday to do it, I don't know. We went armed with a full thermos of hot cocoa and heavy sweatshirts.

Austin plays for the C squad. He is really good! In the pictures Austin is number 44 and he has a red long sleeve shirt under his jersey and white shoes, that way we can pick him out!!

Waiting to get announced:


Getting ready to kick off:


They won!!!!!

Belle's game was cute. She plays flag football and from them reading the names off, I'm pretty sure she is the only girl on the team!

It had gotten dark, so the pictures aren't all that great-you can see her in this one, and I'm sharing even though it isn't an action shot. She's wearing black and pink:


After the games we headed to Lyz and Chris's (they live half a block away from the football fields) to steal some warmth from their fire (and get our teasing since Penn State-Chris's team beat Michigan). It was time to do my shot and Chris wanted the opportunity.

I of course made sure pictures were taken. So Dad...you might want to stop reading here.

Drawing up the Lupron:


Injecting Lupron (check out Avery, I was holding her hand and had to keep reminding myself not to squeeze too hard!)


Injecting the Follistim:


Thanks Chris!

A typical Friday night conversation

Jenn: Where is Hofstra University anyway?
Heidi: Georgia
Jenn: Really?
Heidi: I don't know, that was just a guess.
Jenn: Why did you guess Georgia?
Heidi: You really wanna know?
Jenn: Oh no. No, yes, tell me...I wanna know how you arrived in Georgia.
Heidi: Okay, you know the Hoyas?
Jenn: Yes.
Heidi: That's Georgetown right?
Jenn: Yes.
Heidi: Well Hofstra and Hoya sound kinda alike.
Jenn: Oh my god. Go on.
Heidi: And Georgia sounds like Georgetown.
Jenn: Ooookay.
Heidi: So therefore Hofsta is in Georgia.

Now keep in mind, this whole time there is a laptop on my lap. Once I had Jenn convinced that I really had no idea what I was talking about, I googled it. Hofstra is in New York.

I then had to call Lyz and explain my train of thought to her, the only other person I know who can follow my train.

I swear I really am smart, I just sometimes can't follow up my hypothesis with the proper research to back it up.

Jenn on the other hand couldn't stop laughing.

Why my wife is a freak (but I still love her) and my bloodwork results.

So Chris had to head back to work today. He called Jenn last night to see if she would go over to their house today to watch his two girls...of course she would!!

That doesn't make her a freak...what she did while she was there makes her a freak.





She organized their pantry. Chris told her she is welcome over to babysit anytime...their fridge could use some attention.

Freak. My favorite little freak...how I love her.


And now on to the world of ttc...

I did great with the positive thinking. I chanted low numbers, low numbers, low numbers as I fell asleep. But then I melted down slowly at work today. I shook because I was cold but was dripping sweat...I felt very much like the whole world was slowly stopping its spin. Time stopped.

At 2:13pm my phone finally rang. Sue, the lab manager, was on the other end, and she didn't sound like she was going to give me good news. This is the conversation:

Sue: Is this Heidi?
Me: yes.
S: This is Sue at "the place I go".
M: uh huh
S: I have your instructions.
M: okay (with the quiveriest voice ever)
S: Tonight you will lower the Lupron to 5 units, and add 125 units of Follistim, then come into the office at noon on Tuesday for bloodwork and an ultrasound.
M: um....that means my numbers went down???
S: well they went down to 64, but the doctor said that was good enough for him.
M: I love it when you call me with good news Sue!
S: My pleasure.

It went on from there, but the moral of the story is MY NUMBERS WENT DOWN!!!! Tonight Jenn will get to give me two shots, one in the leg and one in the belly. Then I can panic again on Tuesday. Wait, no, I just got a text with instructions for my head: ...you can't think about the past it can consume you. Think of each day and what is going on at that moment.

I can't make any promises, but I'm going to try.

U.T.E.R.U.S.

Take Back the U.T.E.R.U.S.

U.T.E.R.U.S is an effort to help raise money for those who are trying to build their families but are stalled due to financial reasons. There are several ways to participate - purchase donated items on ebay, shop for items on Etsy, or purchase L.ia Sophia jewelry here. Don't feel like shopping? You can hop over to Mel's site look for the U.T.E.R.U.S logo and click on "DONATE" to donate any monetary amount through PayPal.

What is the big news you ask? An anonymous donor has offered to match any donation be it through ebay, Etsy, L.ia Sophia or PayPay DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR. Giving $5 is really like giving $10, giving $20 is like giving $40 and giving . . . well, you get the idea.

Want to know more about the people being helped by U.T.E.R.U.S? Read their stories here.


And let me tell you.....the skein of pomegranate yarn on Etsy...if you want it buy it now, I plan on asking Jenn tonight if it can come home to us!!

Where have I been?

There is a TTC Update at the bottom of this, in case you aren't in the mood to read the story of my dear pregnant friend's trip to the hospital...

Well, Sunday evening we decided to pick up dinner at Isaac's (yummy)we get a text from Chris "Fyi we are at "hospital", Lyz has a temp of 102."

So, with me in my pj's (and stubbly leg hairs, basically see through tee-shirt and no bra) we called Isaac's back and cancel our order. I hopped in the back seat and found a pair of yoga pants (in my car for occasions like this I assume)and a sweatshirt and found a ponytail holder in my purse, to tie my nappy (as in both tangled and fresh from a nap) hair up with and rushed off to the hospital.

I don't want to go in to too much detail about Lyz's medical status (even though we joke that this is Lyz's blog too) that just doesn't seem fair to her. The one thing I will say is that she has no veins. How can such a warm, caring person have no blood running through her body?? I was the only one in the room with her when they came to do her iv. Something else you should know about Lyz, is that she has the highest pain tollerance of anyone I know. I've seen her recover from a surgery that involved taking bone from her hip and attaching it to her back. But this IV...she screamed out loud. I hopped up off my chair where I had been looking away from her and grabbed her other hand. She writhed and moaned and I just wanted to hop into the bed and take her place. There were many other times throughout the days she was in the hospital that we all offered our veins to the nurses, to help Lyz avoid the pain.

But, as we always do, we made the hospital a fun fun place to be. There was a list of rules on the wall that Jenn designed (including things like no pooping in the bathroom unless you are Lyz or Avery, no using pronouns, as Lyz and Chris don't want to know the sex of the baby, and sports must be on the tv at all times-Go Phillies)

More fun-with pictures to prove it:

We hired Lyz her own personal bodyguard:

(Chris is a police officer in case I have never mentioned that and you are confuzzled)

We used the hoo-haa lamp as a spotlight so that Avery could dance for us:


We played football with a stuffed rotty:


Which resulted in getting the rotty into unique positions:


We took pictures of people going potty:


We broke the hospital bed while pretending it was a roller coaster (jeeze I look horribly fat in this picture, but I'm going to share it anyways):


One last picture just to prove that Lyz always looks so beautiful, even when stuck in a hospital bed for days:


I've mentioned before that this hospital caters to women only, focusing on pregnant women. I must say acupuncture must really work. I personally think I did pretty good. I even watched her whole ultrasound.

{pause for Lupron injection}

Yes, the whole ultrasound. It was inspiring. It was beautiful to watch it (remember, we don't know what it is) on the screen. It kept covering its face...too cute.

TTC Update part:

I only had one minor meltdown the whole time we were there, and it had nothing to do with the hospital, or Lyz, or the 16 year old pregnant woman that was standing outside smoking a cigarette while breathing through her contractions.

I had my bloodwork on Monday morning to make sure I am responding well to the Lupron, I'm not. They want the E2 level to be under 50. Last month, undrugged, it was a little over 60. Monday, while drugged with the Lupron for two weeks, my E2 was 91. How did it go up while drugged? Over 80 is bad. I cried. My next blood check is tomorrow am...hopefully it will go down. I will be okay as long as it goes down, it doesn't have to be under 50 right away, but it needs to go down at least...I'll be frugal and say, let it be under 75. If it doesn't go down...then worry about me. Acupuncture is wonderful and all, but I don't think it could help me over the meltdown that non-falling numbers would create.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberence Day

We remember. We remember Blue, Honeydew, Lyz and Chris's Angels, Snuffy, Turtle, My Aunt Bridget's three losses, Sara and Renee's Angel, Isn't Pretty to Think So's Angels, Travelher and Pufferfish's Angel, Gabriel, All of the August Angel's 2006 (a group Lyz belongs to) Angels and sooooo many more.

We remember. We cherish the happy memories, we dream of the ones that could have been.

We remember, and will never forget.

Happy Blogoversary!!

A year ago today I decided I wanted to share the story of our pregnancy with the world.

Yes, I didn't start sharing it until almost 2 months later...but the first post published on October 12th. See...the web address is since10122007.blogspot.com!!

Yeah me for doing something for a whole year straight!!

A year ago today...

There were two pee sticks in our house. I had been peeing on sticks the two days prior and deemed them negative.

I asked Jenn as I got in the shower...can I pee on one last stick? Knowing that my period was coming, had all the crampies, my boob tenderness had gone down...it was over in our minds.

I showered, and then peed on the stick. Got dressed, brushed my hair and then walked back into the bathroom. I picked up the stick, prepared myself to curse and throw it away, but then saw a new sight...a second line.

I flew across the rooms and on top of a sleeping Jenn screaming turn on the light.

It was the first of many happy moments to come.

It was the moment we were introduced to Blue.

It was a year ago today.

We miss you Blue.

A Video of our Haunting

Halloween Decor
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

It is a bit dark, but you'll get the idea of all our sound effects and lights!!!

Enjoy!

Heidi's Haunted Halloween House

Okay, well really it is Jenn's Haunted Halloween House, but Jenn doesn 't start with an H so it didn't fit right in my title.

We tend to um, overdecorate for two holidays here. For as much stuff as we have for Halloween and Christmas you would think we have some hugantic front yard. (Yes, I'm still boycotting ginormous, sorry Estee, but if a non-word becomes so popular that spell check isn't bothered by it, I have to find a new word.) Anyways we don't have a big front yard, in fact its 2 feet by 7 feet. It took us about two hours to put it all out.

Back of my car full of decorations:


One side of the yard:


Other side of the yard (that isn't technically ours, it is the neighbors):


When Jenn first set things out I started laughing...what she said?? I think you need to rearrange a little bit...this looks like a warning:


Happy Halloween!!!!!!

A Whole New World or I Need More Acupuncture Please.

Welcome to Cycle Day One.

Roller Coaster...Here I come!

Please, let me enjoy the ride, I am not afraid of heights, take me up, up, up and away, but don't come crashing down.

Baseline ultrasound and blood work is Monday at 11am.

off to pray.

Follow That Cycle -10/10/08

9/30/08-Start Lupron Injections (20 units nightly)
10/6/08-Last Cycle Control Pill
10/7/08-Acupuncture
10/10/08-Cycle Day 1
10/13/08-Baseline U/S and Bloodwork-E2-91
10/14/08-Acupuncture
10/17/08-Bloodwork-E2-64
10/17/08-Lower Lupron to 5 units, add 125 units of Follistim
10/21/08-Ultrasound and Bloodwork
10/22/08-Acupuncture
10/24/08-Ultrasound and Bloodwork
10/25/08-Ultrasound and Bloodwork
10/25/08-Trigger
10/27/08-IUI
10/28/08-IUI
10/28/08-Acupuncture
10/29/08-Start Suppositories (200mg), 3x a day.
11/4/08-ELECTION DAY!! Progesterone and Ovary Check-Progesterone-14.7
11/5/08-PIO Injections class
11/5/08-Start 1 unit of PIO daily, keep doing suppositories 3xdaily.
11/11/08-Pregnancy Test-CXL'D-Not PG
11/12/08-Waiting for period to start
11/16/08-Cycle Day 1

Longest Follow That Cycle EVER.

That Acupuncture stuff....

is da bomb.

Oh holy needles, how I bow down to you and accept your divine intuition.

Ladies (and gentleman), I slept last night. SLEPT. Without the aid of drugs, or being so tired that I simply passed out, or crying myself to a fitful rest. I slept. Drooled even. Like I woke up this morning looked into the mirror and saw white crusty bits on the corner of my mouth.

The actual session itself was very relaxing. I believe this is first and foremost because he welcomed Jenn into the room with me. Me, needles and a man alone in the room is not a good combination. I don't like men, they scare me and I become an awful, horrible, tense bundle of nerves. But Jenn was there to protect me.

He asked me a bazillion questions about my feelings and my body. And a bazillion is not over exaggerating. Then I hopped up on the table and laid on my back. He took my pulses, and not how western medicine (new words for my vocabulary) does. Then I stripped off my top half of clothing and laid face down on the table to await my torture.

Only, it wasn't torture. It was sublime. He poked around at my blah blahs feeling for my qi (pronounced cheeeee) and then he'd have me take a deep breath in, breathe out and poof...needle in.

There were a couple that hurt the teeniest amount, but he quickly readjusted them. He came back 15 minutes later took my pulses again and removed and added a few needles. Left for another 15 minutes and took them all out. He told me to be careful getting up as I am very relaxed. I didn't listen. The room swam around a bit so Jenn helped steady me.

This was at 6pm. At 10pm last night I was still in my happy zen state of mind. And honestly, I still feel it this morning. I feel less tension, I don't feel that awful pain in the base of my neck telling me that my neck/back/spine/head are so tense I'm going to snap.

I have decided to believe in acupuncture. After all, I've got to start thinking miracles sometime.

Make the voices in my head shut up.

I can't make them stop. They are soooo negative. I try so very hard to think positive, I really do. But when those damn voices keep saying "You've missed your chance, you will never be pregnant again." I start to lose faith in myself.

I've never had much faith in myself to begin with I suppose. I've always been last on my list of important people. I must take care of everyone else first. Everyone else needs to be smiling before I can worry about forcing myself to. That and not being able to ask for help are my two biggest character flaws.

But see, I don't see them as flaws. I hate to be a burden, so if asking for help means that someone else is going to be burdened, then I would rather just keep quiet.

Last night we went to dinner with Lyz, Chris, Avery and a friend of Lyz's and her daughter (Hi Brina!) After dinner Jenn asked if she could hold Brina's daughter. Now mind you, I don't mind that at all! I am not going to make Jenn not hold babies just because I can't handle seeing her hold them! I just kept my head down (something else I am very good at) or looked away.

After dinner Jenn and I went to Borders because I had a coupon from my birthday (Yes Lyz, lots of birthday coupons, I am a coupon whore okay?). Stupid Heidi. Sat down in the middle of an aisle and started reading a bunch of miscarriage books. I've never picked one up before. I bought two (Jenn bought a book called "What's Your Poo Telling You?" and some ghost hunting books.)

(boy this short story is getting very long)

I shouldn't have gotten the books. They are all about thinking positive. I try. You wouldn't believe how hard I try. But those voices just scream over me, drowned me out. And reading the books just made me feel even more the failure. These women "got over" their miscarraiges and went on with their happy positive thoughts, what the hell is wrong with me? I will keep trying, I'm not going to let the voices win, but let me tell you, my plaster facade...it's cracking.

(P.S. Lyz-I missed you very much this past weekend. And even though you were soooo far away, you still knew when I needed you. You felt me, and called. Thank you. Thank you for every thing, and I love you so much too.)

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Thank you to Antigone for starting this movement.

And, have I ever mentioned how Jenn and I are SOOOOO meant for each other?

Totally.

Want an example? What o you think of when I mention the following chore: grocery shopping.

A chore? A bore? A snore?? (I am totally laughing at myself right now)

Not for Jenn and I. We LOVE grocery shopping. Sunday afternoons in our house involve pouring over the different grocery store ads and comparing prices with coupons. Its one of our favorite games.

{Pause for my nightly Lupron injection}

We have become bored with our local stores. Last year we were watching some food network special about grocery stores and they taught us about Wegmans. Guess where we headed off to that weekend. You betcha (I did that in my best Palin impression)...Wegmans. Yes, we drove approximately one hour to get there, but we loved every minute of it.

I have mentioned before that I am a big Martha Stewart fan. We hear her brag about Whole Foods all the time. And on a message board I belong to there are constantly conversations about what you shouldn't miss at Trader Joes. A quick Google/Mapquest search showed us that about an hour and a half away within 9 miles of each other are a Whole Foods and a Trader Joes.

Can you say Field Trip!!

We got up yesterday morning and Jenn packed. Yes...packed.


I mean, we're gonna be a long way away from home, and going to two grocery stores...gotta be food safe!!

Then we headed out. Oh My Word. You so need to go on a road trip with us. We are so much fun! I won't bore you with those details, since I'm about to bore you with grocery shopping details.

First:


We were really heading here to get lots of organic goodies. We both had a big laugh upon seeing this as the first sign:

See, we drove all this way...and their organic apples are from our home town??

I found true happiness in the form of an entire case of hummus. At our local grocery store, we have two choices. Two. Pathetic.


Jenn enjoyed touching fish eyes.

But she enjoyed the tater skins more:


And I'm such a dork, I even took a picture of us checking out:


We give Whole Foods two glorious thumbs up!!!!

Then we headed to:


We weren't as impressed with Trader Joe's.

Jenn really enjoyed the meat department:

I'm not kidding, she looked at them all for at least 20 minutes. All the different types of meats, and prepared meats and...and....

We weren't as impressed with Trader Joes...but we still somehow managed to buy tons of stuff!! (Lots of organic burritos for my lunches!!)

It took us forever to get home..due to us trying to find a new and different way home. On the way home Chris called to see if we wanted to join him and Avery at the fair!

Just a couple of pictures:

Jenn throwing a ball 57 mph.


Chris and Avery on the Carousel.


And you have to check out this smile: