Ovarian Drama

Stupid lazy ovaries. We plan to start trying again on my next cycle. Because of that this past cycle I have been faithfully peeing on a variety of sticks, temping, checking my cervical mucus, and other things that I will not admit to the public involving something that I may or may not have stolen from my RE's office. (Dude, they have a lot of my money...one little piece of metal isn't going to be missed.)

You know what all the peeing and checking and temping and stealing got me? Nuffin. Oh sure, there were little glimmers of hope here and there. A temp dip. Darkening lines. Some stretchy cm. Even a few twingies here and there. Um, yeah, it is cycle day 23. No line to be seen. No temp jump. No nothing. Even if for some odd reason my cranky ovaries were to decide to let loose some egglings here in the next few days, it is way too late in my cylce for me to think they were good eggies. Even if I was straight and had spermies available whenever my little heart desired them, I would never have an opps baby. That makes me feel rather good to be honest.

At the same time, it makes me feel like such a failure. Such a fake. My heart and my head desire motherhood so much, but the rest of my body defys me. Even if I could ovulate on my own, my body is cruel and kicks the new little life out. Stupid body. Over a year ago I wrote a letter to my body trying to make peace with it. Couldn't we just get along? Here we are a year later, another dead child later, but still in the same place.

I need to get myself out of this hating myself funk again. I was doing so well for the months that I thought nothing of TTC. (Yes, of course I still thought about it, how can I not. But it wasn't a stressful thought, it was an oh off in the future we will do this kinda thought.) Now that the focus is back on trying again I feel like those damn walls are closing in on me.

I used to have a framed picture of Christ on my bedroom wall growing up. While Christ and I aren't on speaking terms, the words on that picture still very much speak to me.

I didn't say it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

This certainly hasn't been easy. Please let it be worth it.

Friendly Hotel Front Desk Clerk goes on a field trip and First Softball Game

Rodney, my wonderful boss was not so wonderful as usual yesterday and forced me to go on an Amish tour. I have lived in Lancaster for almost 12 years now and have gotten away with never going on a formal tour. Sigh.

To be honest, it wasn't as bad as Jenn and I thought it would be. Yes, Jenn went too, I refused to go alone! We did the tour with three old couples. They asked some really fun questions :) Like at every single one room schoolhouse we passed "Is that the one where all the kids were killed?" No, they burned that school down. Now, once you are told that they burned something down, why must you ask at every single school "Is that the one?" NO THEY BURNED IT DOWN!!!" In answer to the question, yes, we do live very near to the school that the shooting occurred at. When people ask me where it is at The Hotel, I refuse to answer. I see no reason why the Amish should be disrupted when they have already forgiven the man.

Anywho...we had more fun than we thought we would. Jenn got to see some animals. She LOVES animals. If we ever win the lottery we will totally live on a farm. A little farm with just a few animals and lots of saved dogs and cats.



On the tour we made a stop at an Amish business where the father runs a furniture making business. The furniture looks just like wood but is made out of recycled milk cartons. Jenn and I fell in love with a piece and are now saving up our monies to buy it:

Ignore the red and blue tables. The two chairs both rock on their own, and the table in the middle stays stationary. We will pick a different color than the boring tan...but I cannot wait to buy it and sit on our front porch like the boring old couple we are!!

The Mountville Strikers had their first game last night...and they WON!!! I love to watch them play! I love to watch Elissa, Jenn and Lyz coach them. I got the wonderful job of keeping score. I am not very good at my job, but I am the only one available to do it so I just do my best.
Jenn and Elissa coaching:

Lyz and Delaney coaching and Avery (#19 and no, that isn't her last name) as batgirl:

Chris being the umpire: (He takes his job very seriously, it is very cute to watch)

Yeah Team!!

Mingo Monday

A Collection within the Collection

There are many divisions in my flamingo collection. There are stuffed animals, picture frames, framed post cards, statues, really I could keep going on. Today's focus is Flamingo Pens!





1-A Fluffy Flamingo Pen-this was purchased at the quilt show The Hotel hosts every year. No less than 15 different hotel employees came up to me to say "Did you see the flamingo pens that the booth in the Act 1?" After about the 5th person, I went to look, and purchased, this fluffy flamingo pen. For the next 10 people I just answered them by lifting the pen up and smiling!!

2-Featherhead Flamingo Pen-This pen is doubly awesome. Not only is it completely tacky with its head full of dark black feathers poking out all over the place...but it has a suction cup on the bottom of it so that you can display it all cute and special!

3-Stuffed Flamingo Pen-Another doubly awesome pen! It can sit on your desk and just look like an absolutley adorable stuffed animal...but it is also a pen that is just waiting to be written with! This was a Florida purchase this year.

4-A Sweetly Simple Flamingo Pen-This is a Florida purchase from many many years ago. I love that it isn't all out there and for the most part it can be used without drawing a lot of attention to yourself. Oh, who am I kidding. Any adult using a pen that is bent into a flamingo shape is going to draw a bit of odd glances from people.

When World's Collide

Am I the only one this happens to?

Everyone in my real life knows I blog. When I was pregnant with Blue we mailed out our annual Christmas letter and included the blog address in the letter. I did this because most of our family is not in constant contact with us. My parents are far away, well my whole family is far away. Jenn's parents live close, but that doesn't mean we talk to them every day, or every week even. So the whole start of the blog was so that people could keep tabs on us.

And it isn't just our families that know about this blog. EVERYONE we know in real life knows about the blog. I even advertise the blog on my Facebook page. Friends, old schoolmates, everyone knows this blog exists.

Now this causes a problem. There are times that I want to write about things, but can't, because I worry about who is reading it. Now, those of you reading this who know me in real life...stop freaking out. I am not talking about you if I know you read this blog. Honestly. I promise! And I don't break promises.

But apart the few people that I know read the blog and comment or make comments to me about something I said on the blog, I am sure there are some that read it and don't tell me they read it.

Moral of the story is...something happened in my real world recently that has cracked me a little. I almost said broken me, but it isn't quite that bad. It has been the number two thing on my mind since it happened. Okay, that is over exaggerating. But it is always right at the front of my thoughts. But I can't talk about it. What if the person/people who this is about read this blog and just haven't told me?? Then I go and talk about this thing and they are all upset.

Sigh. This blog has been an outlet for me. I have even written things on here that I couldn't say out loud, but wanted Jenn to know.

The good thing about not being able to talk about this "problem" on here is that the other night I talked to Jenn about some things. When I stopped taking my Prozac in February (because I thought I was all better) physical feelings showed up that I now relate to depression. Earlier this week that feeling came back and I swear I have been taking my Prozac faithfully. I told Jenn. Yes, it took me three days of feeling it to actually open my mouth and tell her, but that is a big step for me. I normally don't tell anyone anything until it has boiled up inside of me so much that I can't function. So there is a step.

Sigh. I wish I could talk to you all. I know you would understand.

It is softball season again!

It actually started last week, but I skipped last weeks practice because I...uh...can't say. Let's just say my mind was elsewhere. This week I made it to both. I love to see the smile on Jenn's face while she coaches. She loves to teach the kids and share her vast knowledge of softball!

Tuesday I didn't even get out of the car! It was absolutely frigid. It was horribly windy and the clouds were big, grey, and scary!!!

Okay, I lied. I got out of the car for two minutes to take a few pictures.

Then I got back in the car and went back to my crocheting!!
Shortly after I got back in the car the clouds started letting loose their lightening, thunder, and as soon as we got in the car to go home, it let loose buckets of rain!

Tonight's practice was much sunnier!

But as you can tell by all the pants and sweatshirts...still cold!!

First game is next week! It amazing how much the girls have improved since last season!!

Memories...

My goal for the month of April is to get all of our digital photos organized. I have been working on this all day and haven't even finished 2 of the 6 years I have to do. But let me tell you, looking through all the pictures has made me laugh and cry. I want to share some, since I have nothing else of interest to blog about.

This is how Igan spent most of June/July/August of 2004. We got her fixed and she ripped all the stitches out. I thought I was seeing intestines and called Jenn at work bawling, but it turned out just to be folds of inner skin:

This picture is just cute...taken when we went to Gettysburg:

Before Minne hurt her hip she would wait for Jenn to come home on the top of the chair:

Look! Jenn has a barrette in her hair!:

Minne and I like to play soccer while I am cooking dinner:

Igan has a thing for plastic bags:

Me and Martin Yan:

Me and Alton Brown:

And now my personal favorite.....drum roll please.....

JENN IN A DRESS:

Mingo Monday

Mingo's make good wrappers.

Last week my dear blog friend S. posted a contest. See, her sharps container was full past the point where you were allowed to fill it to. She asked her readers to guess how many "objects" were in it. Between syringes and needles and all the other stuff that we infertiles shoot ourselves up with on a constant basis. I used a very scientific method to make my guess. I figured there had to be more than 200 things in the container, and my favorite number is 34, so my guess became 234. And you know what...I WON!!!

So a few days ago in the mail, I got a package. It was a grand package, all brown paper packaged and sweet. I happily ripped off the brown paper to find this:


Isn't S. so sweet?? She wrapped my prize all up in the cutest paper ever!!! Could what was inside possibly be as sweet? I ever so carefully removed the paper. It is now in my phone book being pressed flat, and I shall frame it as a wall hanging in the flamingo room. (Yes, I am a dork, hush. Isn't that why you read this blog??) Anywho...look what was inside the package...a beautiful inspiration.


Thank you S. They are beautiful. Hopefully soon I'll be posting pictures of our little one wearing them. xxoo

We have a nephew!

Brendan Lawrence was born this morning to Jenn's little sister Beth and her husband Bill. He weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long.

Welcome little nephew!!! Your Aunties love you!

Ear Candleing

*****Warning. The following post is not for the queasy. There is gobs of ear wax pictured below. Please do not proceed unless you think gobs of ear wax is fun.***


Joni had more in store for us on Easter than just an adult Easter Egg Hunt. She brought out her beauty supplies and dewaxed all of our ears.

Jenn, Lyz, Chris and Joni had to turn it into a contest of course. I didn't mind having my ears dewaxed, but the idea of showing everyone my pile of wax was totally mortifying! Not to mention having to see other people's piles of wax. Gag. It may not be a very liquidy bodily fluid, but it is still a bodily fluid in my book!

Jenn:

Lyz:

Me:

Chris:

Joni:


And now for the uber disgusting part. Our piles of ear wax:


Oh My Word. Foulness. Do you see that huge worm of brown ear wax that came out of Chris??? He swears he didn't feel it. I don't see how he couldn't have!!!! Here, let me give you a closeup:


I made sure to label the pictures really clearly on Flickr...I think they look like a bunch of joints:


It may be gross, but hey, I can totally hear clearer than I ever thought was possible! I didn't even know my ears were clogged! Thanks Joni!

Mingo Monday

This is a Many Mingoed Monday!

First we will start with the Pittsburgh Zoo. Avery and I were so excited to see the flamingos the zoo had!! I warned her that flamingos smell very VERY bad, she laughed. While we were up visiting the polar bear Chris pointed down the hill and through the trees---FLAMINGOS!!

See them?? It was a totally zoomed in photo through trees and a fence.

Where is the better picture, the close ups you ask? Well there aren't any. Pout. When we got to the part of the zoo that holds the flamingos, their enclosure was empty. It must have been too cold for them so the zoo keepers took them inside. The above picture was the only flamingo sighting we had at the zoo. Thank you Chris for making sure we saw them!

Second we saw this sign at the Carnegie Science Factory:

Mingos!!!

Third, rainbow cake is only yummy when eaten with flamingo forks:


Finally fourth, my boss is at the zoo in Washington DC and heard my no flamingos at the Pittsburgh Zoo woes...so he sent me a picture of the Washington DC flamingos! Isn't he the greatest boss ever??:

Hoppy Easter!

I may have mentioned before that I believe that Easter is the worst of the childless holidays*. At least with Christmas there are still presents, Halloween you can still dress up and pass out candy. That Thursday in November...there is still yummy food.

But Easter? Two adults would look a little silly hiding eggs in the backyard for each other to find. We weren't invited over to anyone's egg dying parties this year**, so no reason to dye eggs (poor Minne, she loves her a good hard boiled egg.)

This would have been Blue's first Easter. It is such a beautiful day out. There are just a few cute little fluffy clouds in the bright blue sky, making it look like it is painted. We would have had so much fun hiding a few eggs for him to crawl around and find. His Easter basket would have been filled with peanut butter eggs and Cadbury creme eggs for Jenn and I. Oh, and lots of nasty black licorice flavored jelly beans for Jenn too. Maybe Blue would have liked black licorice flavor? (gag)

So, instead of moping over what we are missing***, we decided to enjoy the day! Okay, I'm lying. We weren't going to do anything special today but take a nap and make pizza for dinner. Then Joni came along and said Nope! You shall come over and we shall spend time together. For some odd reason she really hates it when Jenn and I don't celebrate holidays. She just won't let us stay home and mope.

So, we decided to bring dessert. The message board I belong to, and seemingly the rest of the internet, have been hailing the all wonderful and beautiful rainbow cake. Most people are making a loverly diet version of it. Not us. We made our own version. And yes, of course we took pictures!!!

Making the white cake batter:

Dividing the batter into six bowls:

Mixing in the colors:

Rainbow of batter:

(Like our new countertops?)
Layering the batter:

Pans of layered cake:

Hey, we aren't always perfect:

Finished product:

Looking after it was sliced:

A yummy slice!


We also watched Avery have a little Easter Egg Hunt, the bunny hid one on our car:


And then Joni had a special Easter Egg Hunt for the adults! She hid eggs in very difficult places...under the shed, in the wood pile, in the garbage can, in the sewer pipe, and over the other side of the fence:

Each of the eggs was two colors and Joni had a prize list for the different eggs, it was kinda like bingo. Anyone have a Pink and Yellow Egg? Bingo!!:

And then the prizes were handed out. Avery and Jenn modeling our rewards:

Joni hid them so well, that there are still five more hidden somewhere in the Landii yard!

What started off as a day at work with me crying because I miss my son so much, ended as a wonderful day spent with people we love, smiling, laughing and snuggling:


*Yes, I know that "the real reason for Easter is to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Sorry, the religious aspect isn't important to me right now as God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms.

**This is not meant to be a guilt trip towards those that could have invited us to their egg dying parties. I am just stating a fact, I am not offended at not being invited. My massive whining about the holiday is what most likely made you not invite me to your party so it is my own fault not yours!!

***Ha! Don't be fooled, we are still moping!