A letter to my body.

Over at BlogHer they are "launching a brand new Letters to My Body initiative" and I have decided to participate. If I would have written this letter a few years ago it would have been all about my disappointment in my body's ability to lose weight, not anymore.

Dear Body,

I wanted you to know that I am slightly angry with you, yet afraid to be so.

I am angry because my whole life I was raised to believe that the whole point in you was to go forth and multiply. I spent my whole life wanting to be nothing other than a mother. I sang songs about it. “When I grow up, I want to be a mother, and have a family, one little, two little, three little babies of my own.” As you know, the song even makes me cry while I am typing it. I am sure you have heard me singing that very song in my head over and over, heard me singing it in the shower, and most recently heard me crying it while I shower. You know that the shower is my favorite place to cry, it washes the tears you create away.

My whole life I banked on it. This was what I was going to do when I grew up. There were no other plans, no other options. Why? Because having a baby is what I was raised to do. That song? They taught it to me through church. The whole religion is very strong about women going on and having babies, and let me tell you, when I was younger…that church was my entire life. The church and knowing that I was going to grow up and have babies is what my whole childhood was about. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved that. I still do.

After working out all of the outside stuff to get this baby making business started (you know, money, stability, the lack of sperm) you took awhile to get the memo that this is what I wanted. Not as long as some people, and I am grateful for that, but still.

Then one morning you finally gave and in and did what you were supposed to, and you made me the happiest person alive. I was over the moon. You let me feel something that I had only dreamed about. I felt pure, unconditional, whole body consuming, love. A love that is so powerful that it almost scares me with how strongly I feel it. The joyous morning that that second line finally appeared on my stick some of the first words out of my mouth were “I am no longer a failure.”

You kept me in that peaceful, happy, full of love stage for four months, and then you took it all away again. You got to hold that precious baby for four months. I have to wait until I die to do that. You stole it from me. You stole memories that I was already planning. You stole me finally feeling like I had my family back. You stole everything, and I am angry at you for that.

And yet, I sit here afraid to type anymore. I am afraid that next month, when we get to start drugging you up again, that you will sit back and say “Look lady, I don’t care what you want. If you are going to be mad at me, I’ll give you something to be mad about.”

Please don’t do that. Let’s work as a team together again. Let’s work towards that goal of what I believe you were born to do. I will try to be patient with you, if you promise to understand that I do sometimes get frustrated. As you have already noticed, I am trying to get rid of some parts of you. Please don’t make the tummy growl too loudly when I am passing up the cheese fries for plate of steamed veggies.

We need to get together and make another baby. I need that, or you and I are going to be in a lot more trouble than we already are. I am finally dragging you and I almost out of the pit we were in, please don’t make me lose my grip.

I am going to thank you now. I know that in a few months I’ll be too busy planning new memories, because you are going to come through for me, so I will be too busy to write again. But you will know, since you house my brains and my heart, how thankful I will be to you.

Let’s get it right this time.

Signed,

Me

Because we can't do anything the easy way.

So I'm getting all the prescriptions I'll need for the next cycle all organized and ready to go so there will be no stressing once my period shows (not that she's left yet or anything). I realize that Michelle didn't give us one for Clomid. No biggie, we'll call her.

Then I start figuring out the Ovidrel. Last time we used this we found out the day of. Our prescription insurance said "Mail us the script, and we'll overnight the drug back to you." That doesn't work, I need it TONIGHT. Well we can get it for you in 3-5 days. After having this arguement 47 times, we gave up and decided we would just pay out of pocket. Well Mr. Pharmacist was having none of this. HE said he would call the insurance company. It wasn't easy for him either, but he finally got them to understand that we MUST have the shot tonight. People, timing is everything in the wonderful world of infertility.

So....now that I have made a short story long, I got the prescription from Michelle when we were there at the beginning of the month so that I could mail it in and have it waiting for me in my fridge, instead of panicking again. Yesterday I went online and printed out the paperwork that goes with it. I got home from worked and asked Jenn for the script. What script? The one I had you put in your wallet. Oh.

See, on Tuesday while we were in at her bank (the one she works at), and she cleaned out her wallet. She gave her teller all of the receipts and asked her throw them in the shredding bin. Guess what else went in there? You got it!! Gold star for you to know that Jenn had the prescription shredded.

After laughing hysterically (and calling the bank to see if it was maybe possible that the particular bin had not been shredded, and having the teller dig through to see if she could find the script-she did not, but she did find the receipt for our tattoos!), I told Jenn it was no big deal since we had to call for the Clomid anyway.

In other news, it is sad when you go to your blood testing place and they not only know you by name, but you know how to do their job better than they do. Our STD bloodwork all expires the end of this month, so we had to get it redone. When the receptionist called my number we went over all the normal stuff (insurance company, emergency contact, etc.) and she said"okay, have a seat and they will call you back! My response: Don't I have to sign the consent to have an HIV test paper? Oh, um, yeah.

Then when the blood taker chic called me back she said "Hey my favorite passer-outer!" Once. One time you pass out and they label you. I did have to remind her which vein works best and that she will be needing the blue needle thing. But hey, as long as she remembers to have the smelling salts handy, she's got the job!

A conversation at 1:09am.

First I'll note that I get this from my mother.

H: narmf macanoomi sarf.
J: What?
H: Hmm, (wipes drool from cheek). I was just dreaming that I was on a game show and I had to catch this weird blue frog with a spaghetti strainer, but every time you touched the frog you were shocked.
J: Are you awake?
H: I could be.
J: You are very entertaining some nights.
H: Oh, and that first thing I said was "I want macaroni salad" but I have no idea what that has to do with the dream.
J: So you weren't awake at the beginning, but now you are?
H: I think so. I really do want macaroni salad though. Will you go to Giant and get me some? They are open 24 hours.
J: No.
H: Oh, so only when I am pregnant am I special enough to go to Giant for in the middle of thenight?
J: Yep.
H: Whatever.
J: Well when you are pregnant it is the baby talking. Right now it is just you being weird at 1am.
H: Everwhat.

Yep, I fully admit that I am weird. The problem is that this exact scenario happens at least twice a week in our house. I wake up from a dream, but am not awake and have odd conversations with Jenn. Sometimes I get very angry at her because she has no idea what I am talking about, but she should!!! I mean, she was there, in my dream, right? So therefore her subconscious should know exactly what I am talking about.

Other examples:

• One night I kept screaming at her that the pizza delivery guy was at the door, why doesn't she just pay him and feed me. (dude, there is no place that even delivers pizza in our area.)
• One night I kept trying to get her to understand that yes, the dog is outside in the back yard, and yes she is barking like mad, please go let her in. (We don't have a fence, there is no letting the dog out by herself)
• My personal favorite...years and years before we even started trying to have a baby I woke up and hit her because I was mad that she was ignoring the babies cries. Can't I just get two hours of sleep??

Someday, maybe Jenn will get two hours of sleep!

MeMe and Birth Control

I've been tagged. I feel honored as I have never been tagged before!! Now, I'm not all technical so I can't link but Beth at Taking Chances tagged me...here goes:

Rules:

Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag five people.

I am currently reading Rhett Butler's People (Beth, if you like For One More Day, you will LOVE Tuesdays with Morrie, 200 time better in my opinion!)

Tonight, Minette smiled her courtesan's smile and told Captain Busy how dapper he looked.

"Ah, Minny. Have you changed your hair? It seems much reder than it was. Did I hear Rhett is back in town?"

I tag...Merr at Proud Prowsers and Kim at Mommies to Three Flowers. (yes, only two, I'm a loser like that)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And in my other life...I called Michelle at the Fertility Center this morning. She was also very proud of my body for having a period on its own!! She called in my birth control pills and I start taking them tomorrow. Is it weird that I am excited to take birth control pills? Yes, I am sure it is :)

We are home.

On the way home I heard a beautiful song, and the lyrics of the chorus really hit home. It's Keith Richard's I Still Miss You.

"I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby"

The whole song really works for me, but this chorus is my life right now through and through.

Heading Home

We went to a beach for a bit this morning to say goodbye. It was raining, so it was a little bit easier to say goodbye. It was very hard. I cried...a lot. I really am not sure I am ready to head back to reality. (don't worry, this gets better later...)

So we deaded out. At 2pm. This would get us back to our house around 5am. It then hits me that if we do that, we'll scare the crap out of our housesitter!! So we decide to only go halfway. I hate stopping, I'd rather just drive straight through. But Jenn likes staying in hotels, and really we were quite a bit underbudget for this trip so we decided to splurge a bit. I mean, when Jenn tries to turn the car, while pushing the miles button on the dash board and gets her arm stuck, it may be a sign that your driver needs a nap.

We stopped a bit past halfway in Lumberton, North Carolina. Dude, our hotel is awesome!! The bed is so squishy, I'm not a fan, but Jenn loves it!


The room is huge. Bigger than our "suite" in Orlando!


Then there is the bathroom, it's so big. And the little shampoos and such they give you are adorable!


Oh, but the toilet room is small...see...

(interestingly enough, I had her permission to post that)

But, when I first started this blog it was to talk about being pregnant. Then it was about trying to get pregnant again. Yes, my words have gotten slightly sidetracked, but I've got some news on that front for you.

I GOT MY PERIOD TODAY!! Next stop, birth control for a cycle...and then...Hop on the Clomid Crazy Train!! Whooo Hooo!!!!!!!! (see, happens everytime I leave Florida!)

A post just for my Mom and Dad

You are now forever burdened with hearing about these.

Busy Day

Sometimes it happens to us on vacation that we spend the first part of the vacation spending so much time relaxing that we forget to do what we want! So today we played catch-up.

We got up early and headed to our favorite breakfast place-Pats on the Riverfront. They have the 2nd yummiest biscuits and gravy (but not even a close 2nd, my dad's is HANDS DOWN the best EVER, period.)

After breakfast we headed to the Daytona Flea and Farmers Market. Huge place. We normally get lost and confused but that is part of the fun. Aparently today we had no patience with getting lost and confused. We found Jenn's favorite hat guy which was the number one part of our mission, and found our way back out.

We then headed over to the track to see if they had any new Dale Jr, or could it be possible Elliot Sadler, stuff. I have never taken the track tour so we did that as well. It was pretty dang neat!

Then we headed back to paradise, the beach. Jenn has a HUGE thing for the birds and was feeding them her apple peels. (Yes, Jenn was eating apples!) The birds were starting to get very brave so Jenn held one of the peels over her head and sure enough a bird came and took the peel right out of her hand.


Check out her face--I'm cool. I'm feeding birds right out of my hand.

Finally Bleeding.

Hey our Mom's and Dad's, I'll just warn you now...you're about to read something that won't thrill you.

A few days after the miscarriage we were laying in bed, eating oreos and crying off and on. Jenn looked at me and said what I had been thinking "I think I understand how cutters feel. If I cut myself and see blood coming out, I'll know I am still alive."

Yesterday we finally saw ourselves bleed. We went and got tattoos. We both have two others and we went to the place where we got the first ones. (My first one is a flamingo, and Jenn's is a sunlike thing with a ying-yang in the middle.)

Jenn went first, which was stupid. All that did was give me more time to have an inner freak about needles and pain (if my father didn't stop reading earlier, he may have now). She winced and whined a little and after 17 minutes it was over.

Then it was my turn. When I had my first tattoo they told me the black hurts worse than the color. LIARS. This time I was prepared, but it didn't hurt as much as I remember. I always describe it as you know when your mom used to draw on your back, and she'd sometimes spend too much time in the same spot and it would start to feel raw, kinda like that. But you can't get her to stop so it still feels raw the next morning :)

Here is Jenns...

Mine is still a little ugly looking, but looks exactly the same, except mine is the left foot. Jenn's is on her right calf, mine is high on my left ankle.

Today we headed back out to the beach except it was freaking cold!! We took the Blueberry bear with us. It has been our tradition to take a picture of our shadows in the sand. This year Blueberry joined us.

Every year it's the same

So, when we last visited our story I was laying in bed with burning skin. That repeated all day Sunday. We did not get out of bed all day.

Monday we headed back out to Daytona Beach and visited with Lyz, Avery, Lyz's grandparents and Lyz's cousin Sara (who is ever so cool). Every year it's the same while we are in Florida. I get a phone call from Vicki, our dog/cat sitter. The driver’s side window in Jenn's truck shattered what should she do. She called a couple of places and got some quotes then called me back. I called the place that could fix it same day and got it taken care of. Nothing can go smoothly right? If the window is the only thing that shatters this vacation, all will be well.

When oh when will I learn to not think such things without knocking on the world’s most perfect peace of wood?

There was more sandcastle building, and this one had actually gotten pretty tall, and Avery hadn't crushed it yet. I went and got my camera (aka my pride and joy) and opened it up. Nothing. It sounded like the lens wanted to come out of hiding, yet it remained in its little hole. Well, I was wanting to upgrade for awhile...now lets really hope this is the worst that happens (did you hear me knocking????)

We sat at the beach for a few hours and the clouds started rolling in, rain came pouring down. The three cars were loaded and we all said our goodbyes and drove off the beach. Every year it's the same. We drive off the beach and the rain stops! No biggie, we really didn't need to be in the sun too much longer, we are still healing from Saturday.

After being in the sun I am very tired. I stay awake long enough to get Jenn to understand where she is. I wake up 45 minutes later and she looks and me and says "We are still on 95." We need I-4. I-4 is 3 minutes on 95. So we turned around and drove 42 minutes back. We both handled it pretty well, I just laughed at her silliness and she just said "only me!"

Today we headed out to the mall (yes, I had said that we would do that on Sunday) and shopped until we couldn't walk anymore. Every year it's the same. My feet have now swollen to beyond cankle status. They are so sexy let me tell you. Right now they are propped up in the bed on two couch cushions with ice packs wrapped around them. Fingers crossed that at least the left one heals overnight; I have big plans for it tomorrow.

(Pause while Jenn adjusts my ice packs, apparently they weren't close enough to my skin. I definitely feel them now burrrrrrrrrrrr)

Tonight we headed to our favorite restaurant in the entire universe. Ruth’s Chris. Yummy. I had the filet, broccoli au gratin and the chocolate duo. Jenn had the New York strip, shrimp, julienne potato (aka french fries) and the banana cream pie (that's more like banana’s foster). We are stuffed and so happy. As soon as you are seated you begin to smell the yummieness. Seriously, if you have never been here before, take the plunge. But be warned, you may become addicted and no other steak may ever satisfy you as much.

In other good news, I did get my camera working. Once I uploaded the pictures off of it to hear the little lens popped right out! So, down to the lower right is the link to our Flickr site, click on Florida 2008 and you can see the few pictures I got in before the camera became a pooh head! (There are only 12 I hope to take lots more over the next few days!) To whet your pallet:

Untitled

Why is this post untitled you ask? Because I couldn't decide which of the following to use:

1. Who's bright idea was it to run away from a miscarriage by going 5 miles away from the happiest place on earth? (I swear every human I see is either 8.9 months pregnant, or towing newborns and toddlers.)
2. We made it to Florida in 14 hours, a new record for us! (and only had to stop 4 times due to illness--as usual I thought it would be fun to have a belly ailment the day we leave for vacation)
3. For the third trip to Florida in a row, Wachovia freaked out and thought someone stole our check card since it was used in multiple states in a 24 hour period, so they shut down the card. This resulted in a 45 minute checkout time at Target, another record. No worries, all is well now. (The only real bad thing about this is I felt embarrassed in my favorite store in the universe!)

My personal favorite:

4. I went to Florida and all I got for it was the worst sunburn ever.

If you know me well in real life, you know that I could start every post about our first day in Florida this exact way. But this year, it really is the worst sunburn I have ever had. To the point that I almost asked to be taken to the emergency room. Yes, I heard you just ask "were you wearing sunblock?" No, I wasn't. It wouldn't have mattered if I had been wearing sunblock. I am a burner. You think that I would therefore stay out of the sun and just avoid Florida. Nope. I should be fine by tomorrow. But it was so bad earlier that I couldn't bend my knees and was shaking so hard (while waiting 45 minutes to get checked out at Target) that I peed my pants a little. Aren't you glad you are reading this? Jenn is as wonderful as ever and is taking wonderful care of me. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Now for the real post. We are here. We arrived at the beach around 9:30 and vegged out. Read for awhile, snoozed, snacked, cried and found peace. Well, as much peace as I think I will ever find.

My friend Lyz is here. Her husband and his friends stay at a campground and go to all of the race week activities, and her mom works at the track (I am talking about the Daytona 500 in case you weren't following that). So she and her daughter came and joined us at the beach for a bit. This is where I found my peace.

I watched Jenn playing with Avery, who is 2, and I knew that I have at least done one thing right. I picked the perfect woman to be the other mother of my child(ren). I know that we will someday be blessed with a baby to hold, because I have faith that Jenn and I were meant to be mothers together. The way her and Avery interacted sealed that deal for me. (It may have helped that they bond in their mutual love for Spongebob.)

So...I think we'll be staying "in" tomorrow. This means shopping at the two wonderful malls that are 5 minutes from our hotel. Usually I really enjoy the first trip to Target while we are out here as Jenn is too tired from being awake for over 48 hours she doesn't say no to any of the silly things I want to buy. So tomorrow I'll have to put on my whiny "I don't feel good" face to get everything I want. (she is reading this over my shoulder and would like me to point out that she has never once said no to anything I want, other than she hasn't yet fulfilled my request to install an elevator at our house!)

I apologize that this post doesn't flow well. I am very tired and a bit hopped up on painkillers so that I can sleep off my sunburn, but wanted to update anyway!

Oh, one more thing. For the past three years I have been drooling over this beautiful pink house that has been for sale on our beach. There was no for sale sign in front of it today. Someone bought my house out from under me, and I had just finally saved up the 1.1 million to buy it too!

Is it Friday at 1pm yet?

No? Well, actually I guess that is a good thing as I have a lot that needs to be done. Mostly homework that I know darn well won't get finished on the beach. (oh, and I guess we should get the dog and cat some food so they don't starve while we are gone. Hmm, that makes it sound like we are leaving them home alone...)

My mom sent me an email forward yesterday (http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/the_wash_cloth_000618.html) so I called her to tell her my funny (and somewhat inappropriate) diabolical plan. Those of you who have been through fertility treatments will totally laugh though.

Last year during the height of our treatments when we were at the office every other day and our dr was always "under the sheet" my mom had forwarded me that same email (but I couldn't share this story then as she didn't know we were trying to get pregnant). I brought it home to Jenn and she laughed. Then I began to think of what I could do similar to this.

• Get a smiley face removable tattoo and place it high on my inner thigh.
• Draw circles on my belly around where my ovaries are so they would be easier to find during the dreaded Clomid check.
• Write "Hi Michelle" on my inner thigh.
• Draw and arrow with the words "Insert Catheter Here", ya know, in case she needed a map.

Sadly, Michelle just doesn't have that sense of humor. For example the receptionist was 7 months pregnant when we graduated from there in November, so when we returned last week I asked how the baby was. Michelle replied "She had a boy, and they named him Levi. They were just in here visiting yesterday." Jenn said "Was he wearing jeans?" Michelle just looked at Jenn like she was insane. Could be because Jenn was in essence making fun of his name, but still... not the sense of humor that "Insert Catheter Here" would get a lot of laughs out of!

Happy 1 Month Birthday Blueberry!

I had three rather good days in a row, then last night the house of cards crashed down again. I started to think, and that can never be a good thing. I thought about how we would have had our "big" ultrasound to confirm that he is a boy, how I should be feeling him kick but worst of all, I thought about how Jenn and I should be arguing right now about paint colors for the nursery. Friday is our last day of work for what was supposed to be prepare the nursery week. Instead we are going to stick our feet in the glorious sand of Ponce de Leon Inlet.

I am both looking forward to the escape and fearing that running away isn't going to solve my problem. I mean, I fully understand that we are not going to come back from Florida cured of our mourning, that will never happen. But I would like to come back from Florida feeling somewhat relieved of my pain. I am almost 100% positive that this will happen. Just a few days after we get back we get to put the trying again plan into motion. While I am absolutely terrified that we may lose another child, I know that no reward comes without some kind of pain. If we don't work for our rewards, we will never know how sweet they are.

I'll be repeating that mantra in my head a lot over the next few months...or nine months hopefully!

I only used two kleenex's!!!! (but this will still be a long rambling entry)

We had our three doctors appointments yesterday. Emotionally I did quite well. I only cried in the elevator on the way to the first appointment and then when they took us back to our room, they took us to *the room* and I cried then. I did spend quite a bit of time teary, but not in my full out bawl mode.

Things we learned yesterday both good and bad:

At our regular Dr's office for our surgery follow-ups (we both saw Dr. Martin, Dr. Stabler is out of town)

• I have lost 25 pounds. (the lay in bed all day and eat Oreo's diet worked wonders!)
• Jenn has lost 17 pounds. (yep, same diet for her)
• Jenn has some questionable cells in her cervix and uterus. Since her pap just 6 weeks ago came back perfectly normal Dr. Martin isn't concerned, she thinks it is a mistake due to the fact that the material they tested was collected during the surgery so she is having the lab retest the cells and will get back to us with a better answer. We know our luck, so I'm nervous.
  
• Dr. Martin recommends sitting out two cycles before trying again, but she actually gave me a good reason of why. My uterus was compromised. This wasn't a simple miscarriage at 7 weeks, this was a later loss. Which means my uterus had grown significantly and needs time to heal itself before we try to stretch it out again. This made sense to me. I thought they only wanted us to wait for emotional healing.
• My belly feels fine.
• Jenn's belly feels fine.
• No hoo-haa check was needed. I shaved my legs for no reason.
• My still crying and feeling down is perfectly normal. I do not need to worry that I have crossed the line from mourning to depression. I may even feel this way for a few months. She asked if we had made our appointment with the RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to discuss our next steps-yep, we meet with them in 30 minutes! Dr. Martin said that is how she was able to start healing from her miscarriage, get the ball rolling for the next pregnancy.
• Dr. Martin says that the majority of her charts have one miscarriage on them, and that most of her patients go on to have healthy pregnancies and beautiful babies.
  

At the RE's office with Michelle:

• They are very sorry.
• They made me tell them the whole story, every gory detail which I got through okay, I did cry, but not as intensely as I have been.
  
• She is very proud of our weight loss, please lose 10 more pounds by the end of April. (Oreo's and bed, here we come! Just kidding, maybe)
• She would like us to wait two cycles before trying again, and when asked why gave the same answer as Dr. Martin. I like it when Dr's agree with each other.
• We will use the same protocol as the cycle we made Blueberry. 100mg of Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, hCG shot, IUI.
  
• If I don't have my period by February 27, call them and they will put me on Provera which will make me have a period. (we have gone to Florida 6 times, all 6 I got my period the day we come home, I'm hoping that stays historically true this time too, I like to take as few drugs as possible)
  
• Once I get my period I will be put on birth control pills to ensure that the cycle will only be 28 days not two-three months like my unmedicated cycles seem to be. I did ask if taking the pill will throw me off, I've always read that you should stop taking the pill 3-4 cycles before trying to get pregnant. She said that one month is not long enough to build up the pills hormones in your body, it is very common for people going through ART (assisted reproductive technology) to have a cycle or two on the pill between cycles of ART.
  
• So, that brings us to the end of April when we will start trying again.
• She sees no reason why we wouldn't get pregnant lickety split. Jenn says we will get pregnant first shot, I'm not that positive, but I don't think it will take us as long as the first time.
• Keep taking the prenatal vitamins (never stopped, I've been on them two years now lol)
• My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is actually 0.56 (I thought it was 0.53)-Michelle likes this number and will keep me on the same dosage (again, glad my Dr's both agree)
• My hCG count was actually 2, not 0, but anything lower than five is considered negative.
• All of our STD tests expire in March. So, before we can try again we have to have all of those tests redone. I told Jenn if we fail any, she is in big trouble. We think we'll head the the blood lab next Friday as we head out of town for Florida...get the last bits of nasty out before we head to paradise!!
  
• Michelle wants to look at my cervix. Dang, glad I shaved my legs after all.

Both Dr's asked if we had Blueberry tested for genetic problems. This really ticks me off. Before the surgery everyone told us there was no reason to get him checked, they didn't think anything looked wrong. Now I'm totally worried that I do have some sort of genetic problem and this may happen again. Both Dr's told me not to worry too much over it...sure, please give me one more reason to blame myself for this.

After she was done with the hoo-haa check, I sat back up and covered myself all properly with the sheet, then giggled. I explained that I'm all worried about being modest when everyone in the room (Michelle always seems to have a student following her around) just saw my most private parts. I laughed that I even make sure my underwear is properly folded and hidden in my pants. Why are we so worried about such silly things when our Dr's are about to be in hoo-haaville anyway?

I also laughed about how much I am looking forward to Clomid again. If you need me come the end of April, I'll be the one in the corner sweating my butt off and screaming at people for no reason!!

And to think I thought I was getting better. How dare I.

Yesterday I did pretty darn well. I even called the leasing office and got the rent lowered $40 (not much, but every little bit helps).

Jenn came home from work, I cooked dinner all was going well.

Then we laughed. Things can't go well for almost 24 hours can they? Jenn was doing some laundry and noticed the floor was wet. We spend time staring at the washer thinking it was leaking. Again, we couldn't be that lucky. If the washer had been leaking we could have just not used it anymore last night and called maintenance in the morning.

Nope, it was the water heater. Upon further investigation we found a loverly pipe leaking water all over the place. Instant call to emergency maintenance at 8:28pm. Carlos the supervisor and our former neighbor whom we love happened to be on call and said he would be right over.

I locked me, Minne and Igan into the bedroom so that they wouldn't get in his way and Jenn stayed downstairs chatting with him and "helping". (otherwise known as Heidi avoiding people like she has for the last 26 days) After an hour and fifteen minutes of working on the pipes thinking that was the problem Carlos declares the heater dead, and goes to get a new one.

So...Jenn and I finally got to bed at about 1am. This is the one and only reason I rent (well besides not having money for a down payment or the fact that we are still working on rebuilding our credit from stupid mistakes in the past). Can you imagine how much a new water heater would have cost at 10pm??

So I am at work this morning, and I notice the sadness start creeping up in me again. No problem, I know how to help myself feel better. I will not let today end up like Sunday and Monday were. I want another good day please. I chalk it up to really not seeing Jenn much yesterday, I mean she didn't get home from work until 7:15, so I really only saw her for a little over an hour before I locked myself in the bedroom.

I get myself figured out when one of my coworkers friends comes in and says "So, hows my favorite pregnant lady doing?" Poor guy. I immediately dissolved into a pool of tears and my boss came running out of his office box of tissues in hand.

I only ever told four people out loud about Blueberry leaving. My dad and mom, Elissa and Lyz. Everyone else either heard it through the grapevine, or Jenn told them. I couldn't. I couldn't even tell Philip as he stood there apologizing, I just let him assume what I was crying about.

Tomorrow we have our three doctor appointments. I know that more crying will ensue. I wish that we could walk in there tomorrow and Dr. Martin would say "I figured it out, this is what went wrong". I don't care if it was even something I did or didn't do, I mean I am blaming myself anyway right? At least this way I would know what to do differently next time.

After the appointments we are going out to lunch. And then we're gonna head home to start prepping for Florida.

I need Florida like a crack whore needs a fix.

And the punches keep on rolling in

Our rent just went up $200 a month. Loverly. Just what I needed to improve my mood.

Meant for me??

While driving home from the storage unit yesterday, and with my eyes filled with tears I saw the following on a firehouse sign:

You don't have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memory.