Meltdowns, Yard Sales and Why the Universe won't let me have a baby, Oh My!

Friday night we again headed over to Lyz's house, this time to put together the huge carport size canopy so that we could store things under it in case it rained. Hysterical. I haven't laughed that hard in a very very long time. Someone had thrown away the directions...always fun :)

Once we got it up we went to dinner with Lyz, Chris and Avery, and Lyz's mom Joni (who we sometimes call J-Mo, short for Joni-Mom) and her new boyfriend Dennis.

Headed home for an early bed time, we had to get up at 4am so being in bed at 10:30pm was actually really late. Jenn and I watched Top Chef to unwind then tried to fall asleep. I was almost there when Elissa texted to tell us they had just gotten to Dover, traffic was horrible. I laid back down after sending her my goodnights and started to think. Thinking is never a good thing with me. I started thinking about Blue...and how different this week would have been if my belly was big...and I let myself get in too deep. I proceeded to let myself go into full meltdown mode. It took Jenn quite awhile to get me calm. I guess that meltdown had been building up for awhile. Jenn fell asleep around 3 and the last time I looked at the clock it said 3:45. Wow, 15 minutes of sleep. Why do I choose the worst times to have meltdowns?

The garage sale was a BLAST!!!! We opened the garage doors at 6am to start setting up in the driveway and within 2 minutes we had our first customer. We hadn't even start pulling the stuff out yet! By 8am (the offical start time) the sale was hopping!!! I sold all of my Sizzix scrapbooking supplies to one woman for a steal. I cried. I actually went into the house and cried. I don't regret it in the least, but I was mourning the fact that I haven't scrapbooked since we lost Blue. I need to get Heidi back, and I think watching that Sizzix walk away made me realize how much of Heidi I have lost.

Jenn manned the grill (we sold hot dogs, soft pretzels and sodas) and Lyz manned the cash box. It was really hot so I wandered around rearranging tables, and would head inside to check on Avery here and there to get cool in the air conditioning. I don't regulate my body heat very well, I don't sweat, so I drank pleanty of water and wiped myself down with a cool wet towel occasionally.

At 10:30 the skies opened and it began pouring. I actually think we sold more once the rain started falling because there were still a billion shoppers, and we were the only ones in the neighborhood with all of our tables covered! Chris was even escorting people from their cars to the the carport and garage with an umbrella!

All told we made $410.00, not bad for a ton of junk, and a bit of hard work! Jenn and Lyz are going to do the sale again next Saturday because there is a ton of stuff leftover, and if it hadn't started down pouring, I think we would have sold a lot more!

After we shut down we all went inside and while 98% of me mostly believes that what the 2% of me thinks is wrong, I still do. I made Avery cry, by complete accident and when it was my turn to hug her I began crying too. I made a 2.5 year old cry, no wonder the universe won't let me have a baby, I'd make a horrible mother. Yes, I know that isn't totally true, but it is how I feel. I feel horrible.

You know what else makes me feel bad? Me, the chick who has a camera constantly strapped to her neck, only took one picture all day, silly Heidi.

Yard Sales: Another Thing That I Thought Would Be Easy...

Seriously? Yard sales are hard work. There are now 12 tables of crap loaded in my friend Lyz's garage. When we started organizing stuff we thought "This won't take long". We were soooo very wrong. There are also countless numbers of boxes to set on the edges of the driveway with signs "Everything in this box $.25" etc. Two boxes of shoes that need to be matched up and laid on a blanket at the edge of the driveway. Tons of furniture to line the edges with, and all those tables need to be organized into the driveway to.

Only one problem. They are now calling for thunderstorms tomorrow. Grrrr. Lots of thunderstorms. I took off this weekend to do this yard sale. I should learn that if I take a weekend off the weather where ever I may plan to be will be crappy.

Hours and hours were spent planning this yard sale. Much shopping at Costco and the yummy pretzel place was done so that we can also sell food at the yard sale. If it rains tomorrow I will be the one in the front yard throwing a major hissy fit and yelling at the clouds.

But you know what is fun?? Lots of other people brought their junk over so that we could sell it for them. I love looking at other peoples junk. Lyz and I were bartering junk last night. I'll trade you one SpongBob fishtank, a box of stamps and a fake kate spade purse for that loverly bookshelf.

Jenn is convinced that we will leave the yard sale tomorrow with a small lemon shaped candle holder that I pulled out of a box with a $.5 sticker on it squealing "Awwwww how sweet". Yes, it's cute. But just to spite her I'm leaving it there.

All testing is back.

And I am normal. And relieved. So it all boils down to a string of bad luck. Which stinks really bad, but at least it means we can move forward with hope. (My favorite movie quote is "hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day, but especially through the night)

I also got my medicine changed, but I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with it. Jenn and I are going to have a long talk this evening and see if we think I should just wean myself again and deal with the headaches, or if we should try it and hope it is all okay.

So, all in all I'm in a pretty good place today. I should get my period in the next week and a half and move on to trying again :)

Already Failing :)

So it is now NCLM (see the little button over there on the right) and I'm already failing.

I have been working my way through the list of over 200 blogs, laughing, crying, really realizing how not alone I am. And commenting my little heart out. I was originally worried that my comments would all start to sound the same after awhile, but really everyone is so different, that the comments can't be similar!

But where I am failing...was I supposed to make sure I pointed out that I was there because of NCLM?? Oh well. Maybe next week :)

Testing testing. It is dangerous that I can blog from my cell phone now. Jenn. I need a phone with a qwerty board 4 my bday please.

I love my job....I love my job....I love my job....

I keep saying this over and over in my head. I have to keep reminding myself this weekend that I really do love my job. And honestly, I really do. People who are taking a trip, are a trip. But it always astounds me to how silly people can be. I have often asked my dear boss if there is a sign out front "We Love Crazy People" Cause we get those. I had a man come in and ask me to call AAA for him because he ran out of gas. Sure! After I am done calling them he explains that he is driving from New Jersey to New York on 2.5 gallons of fuel each time AAA stops to give him gas. Seriously?

Can I give you some hints for your next trip on how to not tick off your friendly hotel front desk clerk?

• Do not book yourself a four day vacation, with four children under the age of 5 and have no idea what there is to do in the area. Yes, part of FHFDC's job is telling you great things to do, but when FHFDC lists off the 40 most popular ones and you still aren't happy, grrr.
• When you call to ask for directions and FHFDC gives them to you, don't argue. FHFDC lives there, FHFDC knows where you are going. If FHFDC tells you DO NOT EXIT, don't decide you know better than FHFDC so you exit, and then promptly get lost. All FHFDC is going to do is redirect you and laugh at you after FHFDC hangs up the phone.
• If you decide to bring your own pillows, do not use white pillowcases. If you do, and then call FHFDC to tell her you left your pillows behind, FHFDC is not going to know which one of the 7 million pillows with white pillowcases in the pile are yours.
• If it is a holiday weekend, and you decide to be spontaneous and take a trip, do not get mad at FHFDC when she tells you that the hotel is sold out. It is Memorial Day weekend. No, gas prices didn't scare people away.
  
• In addition to the previous point, when FHFDC says I'm sorry, we are sold out, don't ask the following:
• Do you have any suites available? No, we are sold out.
• What about any rooms with two double beds? No, we are sold out.
• Any rooms with one king size bed? No, we are sold out.
• Do you have any family suites? No, we are sold out.
• we are sold out.
• Also, before you ask FHFDC why is it so busy, please go look in a mirror and ask the person you see there. Why are you coming??
• When it is a holiday weekend and FHFDC says we require a two night minimum stay, the conversation should end. The following are not going to get you just one night.
  
• But, I only want one night.
• Can I say I am going to stay two nights and just check out a night early?
• I only need one night.
• When you ask what time check in is, and FHFDC tells you that you can check-in anytime after 3pm, please don't panic if you won't be here until 4pm. It is okay, because check in is ANYTIME after 3pm. "FHFDC, what if I won't get there until 3:01pm?? Won't you cancel my room?" Is 3:01pm after 3:00pm??? Yes, therefore FHFDC isn't going to cancel your room.
• When you ask FHFDC how close the hotel is to a certain amusement park and she answers "Right Next Door" she means it. She does not mean across the street, or down the road, or even 10 miles away. FHFDC will continue to laugh at you in her head while she explains that it is literally right next door and will take you less than two minutes to WALK to their entrance.
• FHFDC is also willing to bet that most hotels don't dabble in false advertising on their websites. Please don't call FHFDC and say you have A question, but really mean you are going to read FHFDC the entire website word for word verifying everything on it. Yes, the hotel does have both an indoor and and outdoor pool.

That is our lesson for the day. Now, if you do decide to do all this, know that there is a FHFDC on the other side of the phone laughing their buns off at you. FHFDC may also make funny comments about you in your reservation. When you check in, whichever one of the FHFDC who checks you in will read these comments and smile extra big, because you are a moron, and that makes our day :)

Eureka!

So last night it hits me....maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. Maybe, there is something wrong with good ole Mr. 3086??? (yes, I may be grasping at straws here to find something wrong, anything wrong that could possibly be fixed.)

So Jenn and I poured over donor profiles. We found Mr. Perfect. A+ like Jenn (which is really our one and only requirement, tall, not too skinny, RED curly hair (now tell me that wouldn't make an adorable baby...and my hair has lots of red in it, two reds can't make a wrong!!) He is in school to be a vet (something Jenn loves) and when asked his favorite childhood memory--Meeting Dan Marino--a sports fan! That ought to somewhat combat my horrible doplicness.

But...I forgot to click one button when I did the search. He is CMV Positive...I am CMV negative. Sigh. So much for Mr. Perfect. (And seriously, I am being punished for not having slept around in my youth, there is something so very wrong about that.)

We have found a replacement for Mr. Perfect, he may not have cute curly red hair, but he's got swimmers and that is really all we need right?

Jenn called the Fertility Center this morning, just to verify that me being CMV negative means that so does our swimmer man. Yes, they would reallly realllllly recommend it. Then Jenn asked Michelle her real true opinion on what is going on. Michelle is very happy that nothing is wrong with me, while yes it make it really sucky that there is nothing to blame, it means that nothing is wrong with me. The likelihood of these two other tests coming back bad is less than 2%. She is very VERY happy that we have decided to change donors. Which to me is a good sign.

I now have a dr's appointment at the family practice (Stabler is of course out of town when I really need her) because the medicine that I have been taking for my migraines is a D class drug. Um, hello??? People who are trying to get and stay pregnant should not be taking D class drugs. Grrr. So we go in Wednesday morning to see what they can switch me to. I tried to ween myself off of it last week, and that didn't go over too well. So I admit defeat and will go to the doctor. I went into Rodney's office, batted my eyes....what day/time and in York or Lancaster was his response. He's the bestest I'm telling you, the absolute bestest. No wait, Jenn is.

Apparently I just can't keep my mouth shut.

So...did you miss me for that two seconds??

So here is what has been happening.

Jenn, she doesn't have a job right now. While that may sound scary and make you all go "Oh My Goodness" trust me, I'm happy. She has been so stressed at work that she passed out on Monday. I have spent so many months being stressed for her that honestly, this is the best thing that could have happened. She never would have walked out of there on her own. Thankfully I was raised to always be prepared and we will be just fine. I am so relieved right now, and smiling....until I give you the next spot of bad news anyway.

Went in for my repeat-repeat-repeat-repeat blood work today. I am FINALLY no longer pregnant. Phew. Good to know.

Then she let me know that most of my lab results are back in from all the HABITUAL ABORTER tests. So far, nothing is wrong with me. NOTHING. The only two tests that haven't come back yet are two that if they do come back as the problem...we will just have to stop this whole process. So I am scared to death. Yes, becoming an only one income household makes me smile, but having nothing wrong with me leaves me in tears.

Emotionally I go from freaking out and honestly wanting to pack up our house and move away, to smiling and carrying on like nothing is wrong. Which of course just makes Jenn worry that something inside of me has snapped. Maybe it has. Maybe we have just been through so much shit this year that I really can't take anymore so I am just smiling cause there isn't anything else I can do. Or, maybe I am just coming to terms with life. Life is not that bed of roses that I always believed it would be. But let me tell you, as long as we have each other we can make it through anything. I am so lucky to have Jenn by my side. Thank you baby. Thank you for wiping me up this afternoon and breaking me out of my coma-stare phase. Thank you for getting out of that awful job. Thank you for yelling at me to stop it when I start in with the "I'm a Natural Born Baby Killer" ranting. Thank you for not thinking that I am one.

Just like with everything else that has been thrown at us, we're going to get through all of this. Like I told Brandi on the phone yesterday...they can keep on dishing it...we can take it. (well,as long as they don't take Jenn away from me)

Shhhh

It is going to be a little quiet around here for a bit. An hour? A day?? A year??? Don't know.

We are fine, don't worry!!! Just need some time away from it all!!

xxoo

(I'll still be reading...you just may not get any comments!!)

Video of Jenn at the Batting Cage

Video of Jenn
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

Her grunting cracks me up!

(As does my awful commentating)

Great Day!!! (as long as we don't discuss my hCG levels)

Lets get the hCG crap out of the way first...6. In a week my levels only went down 2.9. Seriously?? Whatever, we're repeating again next week.

Started the day by going for the hCG test, and then the barrage of tests that a Habitual Aborter should have.

Then we went to lunch at our favorite yummy Mexican place.

Then we went shopping for new shoes. Jenn got a new pair for work, and I got a new pair of crocs!!!

Then we went to the batting cage!! I love the batting cage. So much fun. We learned that I am soooo much better at fast pitch softball than slow pitch. I think slow pitch is too hard to judge or something, I dunno. We had a blast. I took a video of Jenn so that she could critique her swing. She's hoping to play on a co-ed team next year and wants to make sure that she is still in top form!! Here are a couple of pics:

Me: (Aren't I cute?!?)


Jenn: (She's so cute!! And I got the ball in the pic!)


I'll post the video in a separate post...I can't figure out how to add it here!

After that we went to Target and picked up some pet supplies (they had some good sales).

Then we went driving around looking at houses. We are still having a horrible fight with our landlord and getting rather sick of it. Not sure if we'll actually purchase a home, but it was certainly fun to drive around and look. We looked at one in the neighborhood where Jenn grew up. One of her best friends used to live there, and the swing-set where she broke her arm is still in the back yard!

Then we went grocery shopping.

After dinner Jenn went to feed Minne. I told Jenn that I remember eating Milk Bones when I was younger and thought they taste rather good. We had just bought Minne a box of five flavors at Target. So, Jenn decided to taste test them for Minne and give a review. Jenn really liked original, said bacon and beef were gross, peanut butter wasn't too bad, and refused to try the veggie flavor!! She said they did leave her teeth feeling clean, but she wasn't so sure about the fresh breath!

Trying Beef:


Sharing: (although it looks like Minne is just saying give me my bone lady!!


Hope ya'lls day was just as wonderful!!

Perfecting the art of the meltdown.

I have come to the realization that the closer we get to June 19th, the more of an emotional wreck I (we) become.

Yesterday I managed to have not one, but two meltdowns. One of them was just a mini-meltdown which involved throwing a hissy fit that I am bleeding, again. Seriously, almost two weeks now. Make it stop.

The first one started as I drove home from work. Jenn had beat me there and my lab slips had arrived. I cried because the testing slips being in hand just make it seem all so more real that something is wrong with me that makes me kill our babies.

Boy, they are testing me for everything, which is good. But as I'm Google-ing the tests one of them was for Lupus, and that set me off. I don't know which is the scarier option. Them finding nothing wrong with me, or them finding something horribly wrong with me.

Now, yes, there is a best case scenario. They could find something wrong with me that is simple and easy to fix. But, I lost the optimistic side of me a long time ago, and I just can't see holding on to hope for the good, when there are so many bad options.

I will go on Thursday to have all the of testing done. The letter they sent along with it said it could take 4-6 weeks for the results to come back. Jenn called the office because we don't want to go forward with the next cycle if that is the case, we would rather wait for the results of the testing than risk losing another baby. The office said that we aren't getting the test that takes that long, our results should be back within two weeks. If there is something that comes back funky with them, then we go for the follow up test that takes 4-6 weeks. Dear goodness.

Tag, I'm it.

B tagged me, and since I was at a loss for something interesting to post that didn't go on and on with depressing drivel, here goes:

4 things I did 10 years ago: (1998)
1. Started my current job, it will be 10 years June 15!
2. Adopted Minnesota the wonder dog.
3. Moved to a great apartment which I still don't understand how we fit so much junk into!
4. Um....I don't remember.

4 things I did 5 years ago: (2003)
1. January 11 we said vows.
2-I became a Creative Memories Consultant.
3-Jenn got a promotion.
4-I had my five year anniversary at the hotel.

4 things I did yesterday:
1. Went to work.
2. Made Chicken Fried Steak, green beans and Red Lobster Biscuits for dinner.
3. Made a fool of myself via email.
4. Had a meltdown, which I am perfecting the art of by the way.

4 shows I love to watch:
1. Anything that is trashy reality tv related.
2. LOST
3. Anything on Food Network
4. Eli Stone

4 things I love to do:
1. Sleep.
2. Bake.
3. Scrapbook, although I haven't been doing much of it lately, gotta get out of this funk.
4. BE IN FLORIDA!!!

I tag K. Yes, I know she has already been tagged, but I want to make sure she knows how much we all miss her!!

I also tag Kim!

An Update

So went last Thursday for repeat blood work to make sure that my numbers went down to 0. Of course they didn't. 8.9. Which isn't bad, but come on already. So I go back again this Thursday for another repeat. I have already threatened that vein, they better be down to 0.

Michelle and I also talked about testing. I'll be getting a packet any day in the mail now that will be filled with lap slips and instructions for their use. Some are fasting, some are not. Some must be done first thing in the morning, some should be done later in the day. Some require me to drop my pants, again. I don't care what I have to do, as long as there is an answer at the end waiting for me.

I have been joking with friends that I am going to pick up a crack pipe, put on my sluttiest outfit and start walking the streets. That guarantee's pregnancy within a week right?

Happy 33rd Birthday BabyGirl!!

To my dearest Teapot,

I realized the other day that you are a cradle robber, it was even funnier to me that you thought that was so great. We met when you were 20 and I was only 17. Tisk Tisk.

You are the one true thing that can make me happy anytime. Even when I'm in bed bawling my eyes out, just seeing you look at me can make me smile because I understand just how lucky I am that you are laying there next to me, holding me, and letting me blow my snot on your pillowcase.

You are my life force. You keep me going even when I am at my worst most miserable moments, and when I beg you to shoot me, you always say no.

Your smile is infectious. Your laugh makes me laugh more than anything else. Your eyes are truly the window to your world, and I could gaze into them all day long.

Thank you. Thank you for being my everything for the last 13 years. Thank you for killing all the spiders and saving my life, even thought you are afraid of them too. Thank you for being there for me through all of the hard times we have faced over the last year, and for helping me get through the rough times to come. I promise to always be there for you too.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

I love you!!

Love,
Teacup

P.S. Where is my elevator?

My Hero the Assistant Coach!!

Tonight was Jenn's first softball game of the season! (she actually missed the real first game 'cause it was last Thursday...which was a bad day for us)

First they prepped the field:


Elissa and Belle


Jenn


Then they pumped up the team!!





Jenn coached at first base



And Jenn's #1 Fan joined us!




They didn't win, but they had a wonderful time and the team was awesome at cheering each other on. It is so amazing to watch the changes from last year to this year. They are a wonderful bunch of girls and Jenn loves every moment that she spends with them!

Labels

I can deal with a lot of the labels that have been assigned to me. Lesbian, fat, frumpy, whatever. My labels at work are never ending. Rodney once joked that I don't wear a name tag because even my large chest couldn't support all my titles (then freaked that he had offended me). Dude, one of my favorite labels is Big Chested!!!

But today, after my blood draw, as I walked with my chart in hand to the front desk to check out, I saw the one label that has ever hurt me.

Habitual Aborter.

Feeling a little messed with.

The cycle we got pregnant with Blue was going to be our last cycle of Clomid. After all the struggling we had been through, we weren't really sure that we wanted to try injectables at all. And during the two week wait when I came the the conclusion that we were not pregnant, I also came to grips with the fact that a life with just Jenn and I was totally a life worth living. Before that I had felt like I just wouldn't be whole without a child (or 12).

Then we got pregnant and those thoughts just flew out the window. This was it!! We were going to have a baby!!! As I entered into the second trimester we were thrilled...safe sailing for us!

Then the walls crashed in.

I still felt as though just Jenn and I was totally okay...but now we got pregnant, we got into the second trimester!! We can do this!

Imagine my happy bliss at being pregnant on the first try this time?!? It was totally meant to be. The universe was telling us something here. "Don't give up Jenn and Heidi...your dreams are going to be fulfilled!!"

Even as I doubted the pee sticks, even as I doubted the first beta results...I took that more than doubling 2nd beta as a wonderful sign!!

Then the walls crashed in again.

And here we are in limbo. We don't know what to do, or how to feel?? If they find something wrong with me, then we will take that as the sign to move forward, try again. If they cannot, then what? Does that mean that we were being messed with through all of those other signs??

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST READ ME THE DAMN SPOILERS???

Angry

I guess that is the number one way to describe how we are feeling right now.

We spent the afternoon today at the emergency room with our friend Lyz. She's 8.5 weeks pregnant (has had three miscarriages) and was spotting. She told us we didn't have to come, but where else would we be?

I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. See, we are lucky and have an emergency room just for pregnant women, or other problems in that department. We both did pretty well while waiting in the waiting room, until a tour of huge pregnant women came through. Today would have been the day we took the tour. We should have been walking the halls with all those other families, not being in the middle of our next miscarriage.

I turned to Jenn and said the only thing that I thought would make us both feel better "Someday we will walk through those doors with our little baby ALIVE in our arms."

I finally started bleeding this morning. So very bittersweet. Glad that it decided to start on it's own, but sad to watch our dreams get flushed down the toilet. Sorry, gross, I know...but you are reading this blog to know my feelings right?

I am angry. Angry at myself because I haven't been more upset about losing Honeydew. Angry at the world for taking Honeydew away from us. Angry that I've disappointed Jenn again. (No, she's not disappointed in me, but it is how I feel so hush). Angry that I am a baby killer.

There better be an answer out there. If there is, then maybe I'll be able to understand why we've lost the two wonderful chances we had. If there isn't an answer, I'm not sure I can take the gamble again.

Not good news.

Last night I started spotting brown. Everyone says not to worry when it is brown spotting. It's normal. Once, around 11 I had a bit of red spotting. Not even a lot.

At my blood draw Michelle said again...brown spotting is perfectly normal, happens in 50% of pregnancies.

Went to Jenn's doctor's appointment, Dr. Stabler, who doubles as my ob. Perfectly normal.

But...the beta came back at only 102. It's over. Apparently brown spotting isn't always perfectly normal.

If I don't start really bleeding by Tuesday, call.

Or, when I'm done bleeding, call.

Lots of tests will be run to see if they can figure out what is wrong with me, why can't I keep the babies alive.

Thank you for cheering me on, and for all the good wishes and thoughts the last two weeks. Thank you.

We love you Honeydew!!