Dinner with friends.

Two of my favorite (yes, I shouldn't play favorites) hotel guests are in town this week and we ALWAYS go to dinner together when they are here.

They treated last night and gave me a beautiful Coach bag for my birthday gift!!

Thank you Timmy and Diane!!!



My birthday brownie:

The Plaque

Someone asked what the plaque says:

Beloved Babies Bench

What the heart has once known, it shall never forget.
~~Author Unknown

The Beloved Babies Bench is a place of reflection and remembrance of precious lives gone too soon. This bench is lovingly provide by parents, families, and compassionate friends who honor each loss and have hope for healing.
Every baby matters, every baby is loved, no baby is forgotten.

You got that world? All the people that think we should be over our losses?? NO BABY IS FORGOTTEN.

A Walk to Remember

Today Share of Lancaster put on a walk to remember all of the babies we have lost. We arrived and put on our tee-shirts (on the back was all the babies names).

We ran into a friend of Lyz's who had also lost a baby at 17 weeks. The difference between her story and ours is amazing. I so wish that Blue's death would have been better handled by the hospital. I think this is what I am having the hardest problem letting go of, the fact that I totally feel that the hospital stole a part of our son from us. Now is not the time to get into it, some other post, some other day.

We then made candles to light during a candle lighting ceremony and then it was time for them to unveil a plague. It was rainy so they were trying to get things done quickly. Two years ago at the walk they had dedicated a bench, they call it the Beloved Babies Bench. This year they offered to put your baby's name on a plaque next to it for a donation.

The Beloved Babies Bench:


The Plaque:


Close up of Blue's Name:


Then we walked around the park. It was called a Walk to Remember!!

After the walk we took the chance to get more pictures with the bench.
Jenn and I behind the plaque:


Chris, Lyz and Avery on the bench:


After the walk there was a whole program planned, but none of us really wanted to be there anymore, so we left and went to an early supper (as Chris had to get to work). As we sat down to eat, not even 10 mins later, it started to downpour. I feel so bad that the program may have gotten ruined.

In the program we were able to write messages to our babies.

Ours:
Our dearest Blue-we miss you so much. Not a single moment goes by without our hearts and arms aching to hold you. Know your mommies love you more and more with every passing day.
Love, your Mommies.

Lyz, Chris and Avery's: (I'm leaving their last name blank)
L____ Angles-Forever loved, forever missed. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Avery.

One more thing from the back of the program that I feel the need to share, because it was so beautiful to me.

I worte your name in the clouds;
The wind blew it away.

I wrote your name in the sand;
The ocean washed it away.

God wrote your name in the heavens;
And he took you away.

You wrote your name in my heart;
And that is where you'll stay.
~Author Unknown

Happy Birthday to ME!!

And to Mrs. Spit!!!

And to Meatloaf. No, not the kind you eat, the singer dude. For my birthday present please go listen to my favorite Meatloaf song: Listen.

Also...Happy Conception Day to Blue!! A year ago this morning we woke up early and drove to the doctor to make you. Your life started a year ago today, but will go on forever in our hearts!!

Recent Studies Show...

A recent study preformed in Leola, Pennsylvania, shows that if one person is sleeping, and the other person is watching Ghost Hunters, Paranormal State and Destination Truth, nightmares become more common in the person that is sleeping.

Subject A rolled over and fell almost immediately asleep at 11:37pm.

Subject B watched the afore mentioned television programs on Tivo.

Subject A began to moan a bit in her sleep around 1:45am.

Subject A began screaming "Footprints, Footprints" at 1:52am.

Subject B woke up subject A.

Subject A recounts the following nightmare. (Be warned, it will make you laugh, it is not until the end of the story does it become frightening for Subject A)

So, Jenn and I bought this hugantic (tis my replacement word for ginormous) new house. Well, not new house, actually it was quite old. And the guy who used to live there is giving us a tour and tells us it is haunted-AWESOME!! He also tells us that he thinks one of the ghosts likes to murder people as many, many people have been murdered in this house-he's seen the bloody footprints. So we call the guys from Ghost Hunters to come out and see what they can find. I'm walking the bald guy around the foyer and he says to me, "Lady, we are never going to figure out where the ghosts are coming from with all these doors. If you count the one under the stairs there are 87 different entrances to this room."

I send the Ghost Hunters away.

We head to bed for our first night in the house and our cell phones start acting all weird. Pictures of Martha Stewart are stuck on the screens but the phones are ringing like phone calls and texts are coming through. It freaks me out a bit, but I figure it is just the ghosts having some fun.

Then I start to hear barking coming from downstairs. All the sudden my phone works and it is the guy who used to own the house calling to tell me that he forgot to tell me that this is the official dog walking house. That all the neighbors leave the dogs in this one room so that we will walk them. Weird.

But...I ask Jenn to come downstairs with me to help walk the dogs, she refuses!! This has me totally baffled as the Jenn I know would have beat me down the stairs to play with all the dogs.

Cell phones start acting wonky again. Jenn turns on the TV to David Letterman. Except it isn't David Letterman's voice, it's the voice of the guy from Destination Truth.

I go down to the room where all the dogs are and they are playing with the phone that is in there. Duh, I say, this is why our cell phones are acting weird, the dogs keep knocking over that phone and it is programmed to auto-dial our cell phones!! Mystery solved.

Jenn has the television really loud. David Letterman with Destination Truth guy's voice is going off on how there is this big old house in Pennsylvania that keeps their big dogs outside in the pouring rain. Did I mention it was pouring rain?

Crap, I run to the back porch, which resembles my parents back porch, and there in the windows that are 10 feet off the ground is a big 10 foot tall greyhound looking back in at me with the saddest eyes, as well as like 30 other dogs. I again ask Jenn to come help me. Fine, go get the leashes out of the garage, she says.

I open the back door and all the dogs go running in (I have no idea how the 10 foot tall one got in that little door.)

I start walking along the cement path that leads to the garage.

I look down and see footprints, and I know that the man is in the garage waiting to kill me.

I scream FOOTPRINTS FOOTPRINTS, but know it is too late...

Then Jenn woke me up.

Subject A remains awake for quite a bit of time quite shaken by this both hysterical and haunting dream. Subject B comes to the conclusion that watching such shows while Subject A is sleeping may not be a good idea.

Poor Customer Service Stinks or How to Entertain a 33 year old for 2 hours.

We've been busy little bees today!! Lots of errands checked off our list!!

• 11:30am-Injectables class. Again, a whole lot of information inputed. I start daily injections of 20 units of Lupron on Tuesday. I took good notes and Jenn practiced drawing up the injections, using the Follistim pen, and injecting fake flesh.
• 12:15pm-Arrive at one of my favorite dining destinations Isaac's Deli. Their mascot is a flamingo, but they make great food too, killer red potato salad (side note, when I was pregnant with Blue I ate a whole quart of this killer red potato salad for dinner one night). We are seated.
• 12:35pm-Luke, our young waiter, rushes past with apologies and says he will be right back to get our drink orders.
• 12:45pm-Luke brings us our dish of pickles (holy cow, I lurve them) and promises that this time he really will be right back to get our drink orders.
• 12:50pm-Luke gets our drink orders.
• 1:00pm-Luke brings drinks and promises to be right back to get our food orders.
• 1:15pm-Luke gets our orders. A Finch-replace the muenster with cheddar, extra mayo, and a toasted pretzel roll with butter and jelly for Jenn. A flamingo with extra Ikey's (horseradish) sauce and red potato salad for me. Both of us would prefer Baked Lays instead of the scary veggie chips that normally come with our meal.
  
• 1:27pm-Luke comes back with my potato salad and asks Jenn what she ordered as an appetizer. We remind him and he disappears into oblivion again. Now mind you, I understand that it was fairly busy in the restaurant, but seriously, this is getting a little old.
• 1:31pm-I am already finished with my potato salad because it was that darn good.
• 1:35pm-Luke brings our sandwiches. With scary veggie chips.
  
• 1:35pm-Luke removes our sandwiches from the table.
• 1:36pm-Luke brings our sandwiches. With Baked Lays. Jenn asks for a refill on her drink.
  
• 1:45pm-Luke brings Jenn's toasted pretzel roll with butter and jelly.
• 1:53pm-Luke asks how we are doing, fine, can Jenn get a refill. "Oh yes!!!"
• 2:04pm-Luke brings the refill. I ask for a box for the other half of my sandwich (that will be my lunch tomorrow). Jenn begins playing with her new drink. We shall call this pin the straw on the lemon wedge.

• 2:15pm-Luke stops by to see how we are doing. Fine, can I have a box?
• 2:20pm-Jenn wins the first round of pin the straw on the lemon wedge.

• 2:23pm-Luke stops by, how we doing. Great!! Can I get a box. "Oh, Yes!!!"
• 2:25pm-Jenn moves on to seeing if she can get the stabber into the straw and pull it out of the glass without the lemon wedge.
• 2:33pm-Luke brings me my freaking box. Anything else?? Yes, check please, hopefully sometime this year.
• 2:37pm-Jenn gets the stabber into the straw and pulls it out of the glass without the lemon wedge.
  

• 2:39pm-Holy crap, Luke brought our check!! He apologizes for the long lunch, and doesn't charge us the $1.50 for the toasted pretzel with butter and jelly. Thanks. OH, and he'll take the check whenever we're ready. What?? We don't pay up front anymore???? Well if I would have known that I would have had the credit card ready cause heaven only knows when you are actually going to come back to get it!
• 2:42pm-wow, Luke came back for the credit card.
• 2:44pm-I say a little loudly, I'd appreciate if you didn't take my credit card on a tour of the place, as Luke sets my card and bill down on the table next to us to take their order. Thank you for broadcasting my credit card number.
• 2:freaking57pm-Luke brings me my receipt to sign.
• 2:58pm-I leave a $1.00 tip.

This has gotten pretty long. Not by my fault, but by Luke's. So..we went to Costco, Wawa, Giant and home. Then we went out a bit later to see how long it takes to get the place where Jenn has an interview on Monday.

Now, I'm watching Survivor and heading to bed!!

xxoo

And then I got home to a birthday present on my front step!

Okay, so it wasn't on my front step, but the sticky note was, even though Fed-Up, I mean Fed-Ex was supposed to leave it there (since I knew I would be home right about when they would deliver as I always pass them in the parking lot) Talk about fueling my anger. But we got it, and all is well. Enough of that rant, onto my goodies.

Ta-Da!!



Let me break it all down for you

1-Progesterone Suppositories. Yes, suppositories. As in they get inserted INTO my vagina 3 TIMES A DAY. (Sorry you had to read that Dad.)



2-My very own sharps container, actual sharps (I know, they aren't really called sharps) and alcohol pads (guess they didn't know I've been "borrowing" them from the Dr's office)



3-Ovidrel-To help evict the follicles once they have turned 18 and are legal (or when they've hit 20mm and are mature, however you want to look at it.)



4-Follistim-To tell my ovaries to start making the follicles!! (I should have done this all in a better order, too late now, I'm too lazy to go back and fix it)



5-Lupron-to tell the ovaries that they are no longer in control, but Michelle is.



They are now nice and comfy in my fridge. If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you will know that Jenn likes a nice organized fridge. Having to give up about a quarter of the fridge to these drugs was a bit stressful for her. Please take note that Jenn arranged it so that the majority of what you see is healthy. Trust me, we aren't.

I don't think I'm depressed.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking I am, but not wanting to do anything about it because I am tired of taking drugs. But during a phone conversation about Thanksgiving I came to the realization that I am not depressed. I am royally pissed off.

I am pissed off at all the loss. Ours, Lyz's, B & K's, Sara's, Isn't it Pretty to Think So's, Travelher and Pufferfish, Beth's, my Aunt Bridget's and sooooo many others. If I didn't name you, it isn't because I have forgotten your pain, it's because my fingers are tired of typing. I'm getting angrier with each person's face that pop's into my mind which is making my fingers stiff and hard to move. It is horrible how much loss we have all had to endure.

Then there are the other people who have been denied even the loss. Not only in the blogs I read, but people close to my heart who I shouldn't name because that would be unfair to them to broadcast their infertility without their permission. Those that are trying again month after month with nothing to show but their broken heart.

I am enraged. I am enraged at the unfairness of it all. I am enraged that someone I know and love gave birth to two beautiful and wonderful children and treats them horribly. Treats herself like crap with drugs and alcohol and does not even care one ounce about the wonderful lives she has brought into this world. Okay, maybe she does care a little, but somehow I fail to see it.

I don't cry very often about it all anymore. I shake, my face turns red, and I start biting my lips. I peel the skin off of my lips way too often. But I don't know how to stop being angry.

The other night while watching the Emmy's I texted a friend complaining that every-freaking-one is pregnant and I am tired of looking at them all. Without even thinking that the friend I texted is pregnant. While I know that this friend shares my feelings, I came to the realization that I don't think about my anger before I spew it out to others. How selfish of me.

I need to get over the anger so that I can move on in the grieving process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never reach acceptance, but anger is not the proper place to be resting.

We are SOOOOOO Smrt!!

Look!!!




On the left is a certificate for my scholarship for being an outstanding Hotel/Motel Management student (or is my major Travel and Tourism now???? hmmm)

On the right is Jenn's Dean's List certificate!!

We be smarty pants!!

Too Much Information

Dear goodness. For a twenty minute appointment I feel like my brains melted and started running out of my ears.

• I start the Lupron 9/30.
• We go back, with our pile of syringes on 9/25 to teach Jenn how to shoot me up.
• Stress is bad.
• This is a little more expensive than I had planned. (Fees insurance doesn't cover, two orders of swimmers...copays on the druggies, etc.)
• I'm stressed.
• I may be referred to a high risk doctor.
  
• My last cycle control pill is 10/6.
• My period should come a few days later.
• When that happens, call them for my first of many ultrasound/bloodwork appointments.
• They will tell me then, when to start the Follistim.

When Michelle was talking about stress she asked me what is stressing me. Um, this. She said, so when we get your pregnant the stress will go away? I got teary eyed. No, when I get pregnant I will just become more stressed. What will take my stress away? A baby, breathing, in a crib. I have faith, hope, whatever you want to call it, that I will get pregnant again. It's after the positive test that freaks me out. Will I just kill another one?

I spent the afternoon in a high, knowing we were moving forward again. We went and picked up our new glasses. We used our trial membership at BJ's and found that they have some good deals, and some that Costco totally kicks their butt. The nice thing about BJ's is the accept Visa, where as I have to use my ATM card at Costco, and BJ's accepts coupons, and well, I am the queen of coupons.

Just a little bit ago I sat here reading through the folder that Michelle gave us, and I have begun my panic. It's so much money, which is tight in our house right now. It's not a promise of a baby, breathing, in a crib. It's just another hope. Last week while I was peeing on pee stick after pee stick always getting the same negative answer, I mentioned an Albert Einstein quote to Lyz.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Am I insane to try and get pregnant again, and expect to keep it? What makes me think that I will get a different result this time?

The Lies We Tell Ourselves and Others

They are little lies. They are not meant to hurt someone, more like delay their hurt. It's the little lies we fuel ourselves with, or others, to get them through to the next blood test, pee stick or day.

Examples??

My blank pee sticks on 13dpo. "It's too early" she said. "It's only 13dpo."
Lie. It's not too early, my body always gives me a positive by day 12. But, it makes me feel better for that day. I have hope that tomorrow may bring a positive, instead of my period.

The first beta comes back at 78, the second at 84. Now you've got to start pulling up the stories. You either say "Vanishing twin" or "It must have been the trigger shot still in your system" or "I knew a girl on my message board that had the same thing happen, she's now holding her four month old son." Lie. Yes, I'm sure it happens, I even know someone it has happened to. But as Lyz said "It just doesn't happen to us."

We don't tell the lies to be mean or hurtful, we are honestly telling them to delay the tears, even just a bit.

I've told the lies, I've been lied to. What I want to know is in this situation, would you rather have the lie which comes with one extra ray of hope, or would you rather know the truth and just start the crying and mourning now?

Me? I can handle the lies. It does only give me one little ray of hope, the other 99% of me still knows the truth, and yes, I can handle the truth. I just need all of you to support me. And thank you for doing so.

Send out your good thoughts and prayers please.

Our world has been rocked by another loss.

She isn't a blogger but please keep Beth in your thoughts today.

Yes, Dakota, I hit the panic button.

I am much MUCH better now. After hearing me having an emotional breakdown in the lab, Michelle came in (Have I ever told you how much I love her????) to calm me down, even though she was in with another patient the next room over. Dr F would have ignored me.

Basically this bloodwork is to see how much of each drug to give me. Am I suppressing myself enough, too much, too little? She said that there is very little chance that I will fail the test, but that she just wants to make sure she understands my body right to be able to give me the best cycle she can.

Then I started crying. Oh the relief. Oh I can breathe again. Oh my. It was as the clouds parted, the heavens opened and angels started singing my relief. Michelle smiled her warm smile and told me to relax, then went back to her other patient. And I didn't yell at her for using the r word on me, I think I was too busy breathing again.

Thank you all so much for your kind cheerleading. I don't know what I would do without you all.

Does this still have the worst case scenario?? Yes, but I'm less afraid now. Phew.

Scared to Death

Yesterday Jenn called the fertility center to tell them I got my period, set up the injectables appointment, and to ask about birth control pills so that my cycle won't be 99 days long. When they called her back they told her they want me in for bloodwork today to check my ovaries. I haven't been responding well to the clomid, so they want to make sure my ovaries still work.

Now I'm scared to death. I spent all day yesterday somewhere between teary eyed and full out flipping out. It hurts to breathe, my stomach is in knots, I don't know what to do.

If my ovaries are dead, this is all over isn't it? If this bloodwork comes back bad, then my miracle is squashed.

I wasn't ready to let go of this yet.

Please, let them come back okay.

Happy 8th Birthday Annabelle!!

Eight years old. How the heck did that happen?? Jenn and I discussed it on the way to the party, and we think the kids should have to ask our permission before they start getting all grown up and stuff.

From a very young age I started training Belle. Training her in what??? Well to be a flamingo lover of course!!! And all of my hard work paid off. Proof is in the icing:



Blowing out the candles:



Waiting for her turn to hit the pinata:



Belle's Birthday Wishlist:

• Pony
• Football
• Remote Control Car

She's a bit of a tomboy, must come from having two older brothers.

We got her a football (of course Auntie Jenn got her a football!!!) and since we couldn't afford a pony, we got her a virtual pet horse game for her DS.

See:


(the smile says it all)

The gap between our two major sets of friends is closing...Lyz and Avery were invited to the party (Chris had a golf tournament to attend). Jenn and Avery spent quite a bit of time swimming in the pool, again, no pictures, my camera hasn't gotten over its fear of water yet.

In the goodie bags there were sets of plastic fangs. My three favorite models showing off their new dentures:

(Avery, Belle's cousin Abbey, and Belle)



Slightly off subject, it's slowly becoming fall here. You wouldn't have known it yesterday, it was the hottest day yet of the year, but it really is. Jenn decorated our bay window with our fall decorations (she really wanted to put the Halloween stuff out, but the rule in my house is Halloween stuff comes out closer to my birthday). Anywho, long story short...they've been ruined. How you ask? See for yourself.



No? You can't figure it out, here I'll give you a close up.



That's a cat head there on the left. Silly cat. She moved the cornucopia out of her way, knocked over a couple of turkeys and pushed a bunch of plaster pumpkins off to the side, so that she could have her place as a baking cat in a window.

More nonsense.

I kinda like when I don't post for a few days and then just pile it all into one, it is fun for me.

• I had some kind of stomach problem this week which left me rolling around and moaning a lot. I self diagnosed many things over the course of four days. Appendicitis, gas, stomach flu, pregnancy, cysts, an ulcer or 12, OHSS, etc. Sometime yesterday the pain just up and disappeared. Now I've self diagnosed it as stress.
• We went out to dinner with Lyz and Chris Friday night, they were childless, well, not counting the baby in the belly. Lyz and I spent the entire time talking about pregnancy, miscarriage and babies. Poor Chris and Jenn must have been like "dude, we were doing this dinner for adult conversation". Oh well.
• After dinner we headed out to Lowe's to pick paint out for Avery's new room. (Dinosaurs in case you were interested with bright pink and brown paint...too cute)
• Then we went to Jenn's favorite store, the Spirit store. Jenn likes Halloween just a little bit :).
• Jenn stayed awake most of the night Friday chatting with our friend B about Ike. Thankfully B and K are fine (all be it in the dark without power and wind blown.) They even sent us their own video footage in the middle of the night. We panicked a bit in the wee hours of the morning after not hearing from them for an hour and a half...but they were just sleeping.
• Yesterday I had a meltdown to put all meltdowns to shame. Poor Jenn.
  
• Michigan lost again yesterday. Maybe that was the straw the broke the meltdowns back???
• My period arrived this morning. Sigh. Yet again the pee sticks didn't lie even though I really wish they had. At one point during my pain I texted Lyz to see if maybe it was a bladder infection, and the high acidity of my urine was bleaching the 2nd line right out of my stick. (look for a post in the near future about the lies we tell ourselves and others)
  
• Speaking of the sticks. We call evap lines "imaginary lines" Jenn gets very excited about imaginary lines. I let them get my hopes up that "maybe they aren't imaginary, maybe they are the beginnings of real lines". Stoopid imaginary lines.
• Today we are heading out to Belle's birthday party. It is a luau. It is very hot outside. I texted Jenn this morning to bring an apple to the party. I'll stick it in my mouth and call myself the pig roast. (well, before we go to Belle's party we have to go out and buy her a gift, since my meltdown yesterday was during the time we had planned to go out shopping.)

Anywho, that's enough of my nonsense for the morning. There will be no clomid or swimmers this cycle. I'm going to call tomorrow and see about birth control pills so that my next cycle is soon and not 100 years from now. On to daily injections we go!! Fingers crossed that one of these next three tries works.......

I'm Vocal, Okay!

So, Dr. F's wife is the local news channel's doctor on call type chickey.

She was just on reporting on how starting to day Pennsylvania has now caught up with the rest of the east coast and banned smoking from indoors.

I looked up at her and screamed:

"Your husband sucks, he can't get me knocked up."
(Only with a few other choice words thrown in too)

Jenn looked over and said "feel better?"

Maybe a little.

untitled

A year ago today I got my period. It was cycle day one of the cycle that would bring us Blue.

Today, I've got a sink covered in one lined pee sticks.

This means that there will not be a baby come June 19th 2009 either.

This breaks my heart.

Happy 8 month Birthday Blue.

Hurricane Hanna

Seriously. I live in Pennsylvania. At least once a year we get a hurricane rolling through. Isabelle was the ickiest, left the hotel without power for three days, the three busiest days in September. Thomas the Tank Engine was in town too, but the railroad tracks got damaged and let me tell you, a hotel full of screaming toddlers, with no electricity, is not the most fun place on earth.

Today it is pouring. There are three spots in the lobby where water is coming in. I have no idea how I am going to walk out to my car without getting whisked away by the river that is currently flowing through the parking lot. Jenn says our patio door is letting more water in than it is keeping out. Would you like me to keep going?? I could.

Seriously?? A hurricane, in Pennsylvania. Sigh. Whodathunkit.

***Edited to add--It's not really awful, just pouring rain and the occasional blast of bad wind. We are not evacuating, and are safe and sound at home watching Harry Potter!! Don't worry about us!!***

Lots and yet nothing to say.

I had the last two days off, and over the course of those two days I kept making mental notes about things I wanted to blog about. Guess what, I don't remember a single dang one of them.

I had funky dreams last night. I looked back through my notes of previous cycles...days 4 and 5 seem to bring funky dreams on both Blue's and Honeydew's cycles, but no others. Did I just forget to jot the dreams during other cycles down in my notes? I know I had crazy dreams the entire time I was pregnant with Blue. I blamed both the hormones, and my mother. She is the queen of crazy dreams.

Am I pregnant? Sigh, this screwing with my mind thing has got to stop. I am yet again getting my hopes up, and really didn't like the way they crashed down last cycle. I don't want a repeat of that.

Pray for the Turtle. Turtle's mommies didn't get the news they wanted this morning, and I'm hoping that it wasn't the worst news.

I have come to the conclusion that Jenn is having a mid-thirties crisis. (I refuse to say mid-life because she better live past the age of 66). Her hair is her new best friend. She made me take pictures of it last night while we were at a baseball game. She wanted to see how good it looked with a visor and her sunglasses on. See, she's also moved on to contacts. Glasses just aren't cool enough for her. I told her the other day that this will have to stop, we simply cannot afford a schnazzy Porsche convertible right now.

Jenn has started to look for a job. We did say she'd start in September. And it's started with a bang. She had two interviews last week, and has been called back for a second interview for one of them. I'm excited, but sad that they are still in the banking industry. I know this isn't her dream job, but I hate that she has to take a job just to "support" the family. (My cobra insurance is killing us!! But not having the cobra would kill us more). Job interview for next week doesn't even offer benefits to cover me, so while it is a good job, she is still looking beyond it.

I *think* that we have finally untold everyone about Blue. We had our eye doctor appointments on Wednesday and one of the receptionists said "Oh!! You didn't bring the baby!! I was looking forward to meeting him!" I was last there in December of last year. I was just starting to show and the girls there were all so excited for us. Sigh. Seeing her face fall as neither Jenn or I answered her and the tears fell out of my eyes was killer. She started apologizing and then noticed the note on our chart from when Jenn called and made the appointment "Don't ask about the baby, he's moved on to heaven." Poor girl. Thank goodness I don't go to the dentist, there would be a whole-nother person to untell.

I'm not trying

In the past I have tried various things during the two week wait to try and insure a pregnancy:

• Lighting a fertility candle for an hour each evening.
• Eating enough pineapple every night to make my lips and mouth bleed.
• Eating an Egg McMuffin on 7dpo.
• Wearing mismatched socks to all doctors appointments.
• Not peeing on sticks.
• Peeing on sticks.
• Chanting odd things.
• Singing Dory's song from Finding Nemo

Really this list could keep going.

This month. Nothing. Okay, I wore the socks. And I've sung the song. And we lit the candle last night (not for an hour though, because it overflowed and dripped wax onto the carpet!). But I'm not doing any of the crazy things. I'm actually rather relaxed. (Yes, I did "yell" at someone via text this week for using that word on my, sorry)

Have I been peeing like a racehorse for the last 24+ hours?? Why yes, but I'm only 3dpo, there is no way that a little baby would be causing that symptom already. I blame it on leftover trigger shot in my system.

I really plan on taking a rather what happens, happens approach this cycle. I can't help but remember that the last time we threatened my body with daily injections, Blue was conceived...maybe my body just needs a threat?